I got together with a wonderful guy almost a year ago. I love him to bits. A Tinder date that was much more than I could ever have expected. Our first date was a quick coffee, but on your second date he told me a little a bit about his problems with cocaine and when things started to get more serious, he told me the rest. It involves abuse, crime, violence, jail and drug problems. He spent over a year in a clinic dealing with this and all of this is in the past or I wouldn’t even be thinking about it.
However, needless to say you can’t just cancel a life like that. He works very very hard with his therapist and is doing well, also studying to become a counselor himself and I think he is amazing. He also takes responsibility for his life and problems and tries to protect me from his stuff, but nonetheless, out of nowhere I find myself dealing with a reality I wasn’t prepared for, with fears, with difficult emotions like sadness and rage. And he also worries about being “too much”, about burdening me with all of this. So he offered to pay for some therapy for me, too. Now, I would actually pay myself, but having no experience at all with therapy, I was basically wondering:
Can you actually go to therapy to “offload” or to deal with this one specific thing? What I mean is, I’m not particularly perfect, but I’m not really “in the market” for working on myself, but I like the idea of talking to someone about this, also because I can’t really to talk to my friends/parents about most of this. I’ve taken some far away friends into confidence, but all of my friends here know him and I don’t really want to spill his very private stuff, so sometimes I feel a bit isolated. Is it okay to go to a therapist for this kind of thing or will they say “Look, if you’re not willing to open up about your stuff, you shouldn’t be IN therapy”. I mean, of course I would open up about my feelings about all of this, but I’m just not really looking to change/work on the rest of me. Would that be alright?
Sometimes all you really need out of therapy is a sympathetic ear and someone who can offer a bit of advice, but also someone who isn’t then going to judge you or your partner, in the way that a friend or family member might if you share this type of personal information.
I agree. It’s a lot to handle and process. I can totally understand both the need to talk to someone about this, and the desire to protect his privacy. And it seems like a therapist would be very helpful for you in this regard.
Not everybody is in therapy ‘to work on themselves’, sometimes it’s to have someone hear their concerns about stuff that’s external to them. Therapy can be helpful in a lot of ways.
I’d do it, if I were you, and wanted a future in this relationship.
(But I’d also refrain from discussing such therapy with your guy. It’s for you only, in my opinion. I’d keep the two separate.)
For me, one of the few good things about last year was going to therapy. It probably would have been more useful years before, but it helped me clean up some leftover corners; at one point and with just one word, the therapist did more to improve my relationships with my most difficult relatives than I would have done by myself in decades. Actually, more than I had done by myself in decades.
Like any other sort of counselor there are good ones and bad ones, but in any case they are people whose calling involves acting as a sounding board and helping you sort your problems. In your specific case, “my boyfriend is a mess in some aspects” is both a duh kind of thing (everybody is a mess in some aspects, really) and a problem (his mess is pretty large and has sharp corners); but also, “my boyfriends tries to protect me from his messes” is… both nice of him and a possible problem. A good therapist can help you figure out where his, your, your-plural landmines are, which ones to avoid and which ones force to explode - from a safe distance and while wearing all your PPEs
But it was his suggestion in the first place. I don’t really think there’s any problem telling him, he’d be delighted. Or do you mean tell him what I’d discussed with the therapist - that I wouldn’t do!
In any case, thanks for the info. I really don’t know much about this and I thought therapy was/might be only for “working on yourself”.
It’s up to you of course, but I wouldn’t feel ‘but it was his idea’ would obligate me to share it all with him. The things you initially discus in therapy may indeed be easily shared with your BF. But I was thinking of a future where that may NOT be the case. Difficult then to set some boundaries about sharing, I think. Might be better to START with boundaries, is all.
I would certainly share that ‘it’s going well, it seems to be helpful, I’m finding it useful’, but beyond that I would be more reticent.
(I think your new BF sounds a really quite thoughtful guy and doubt he’s the type to pry and probe about your therapy anyway!)
Do it. Seeing a counselor is nothing to be ashamed of, and telling your troubles to a complete stranger who is not part of your life is very cathartic.
Of course it is OK to go in for a specific issue – it is a current situation that is bringing up emotions you need help working through without being concerned about your friends judging you or him. It is possible that when you are comfortable with a therapist that you may explore other things, or other background that may contribute to how you are feeling about this particular situation. But a skilled therapist would know how to work with you while keeping you feeling like it is a safe place. He or she may challenge you to some extent but within the context of a therapeutic environment where it is meant to help you.
I know how hard it is to make that first visit - go for it! You’re just seeing how it goes.
People go to therapy for all kinds of reasons. When my cousin was studying to be a rabbi, she knew she’d be doing some counseling with people, but she’d also be recommending that some people needed professional therapy or psychiatric help, and not just religious counseling, so she saw a therapist for six months just to see what it was all about, and went in to talk to a psychiatrist to ask what an intake appointment was like. Since then, she’s accompanied congregants to psychiatric intake appointments, and first-time therapy sessions.
If therapists are cool about that, I think they’ll be cool about you just wanting to keep abreast of your relationship, and not want to work on things like childhood issues. You could even tell her (or him) that you just want to “work on” your relationship, because there are some things you are dealing with that are new for you, but you feel secure about other areas of your life, so you really want to devote your limited time to the relationship issues. If the therapist doesn’t agree, that’s the wrong therapist for you.
Bear in mind that the first person you go to may not be the one you end up with. You may need to start out by getting recommendations from friends, or a professional you know, and then read some online reviews, and interview three or four people before deciding who you want to see on a regular basis.
Sorry, it was me misunderstanding your first post in a daft way. I thought you meant not sharing the very fact that I was going to a therapist. Which would be weird, but that’s how I read it. My bad.
Of course I wouldn’t share what I actually discussed with the therapist. He doesn’t share what he talks about with his therapist either, beyond the occasional thing and I wouldn’t expect it and neither would he expect me to divulge. In fact, the fact that he has been to a shit-ton worth of therapy makes him extremely understanding of how these things work - and extremely understanding in general.
Thanks! That’s what I wanted to know. And good point in saying that of course my issues/background/personality affects how I deal with things, so the things are not going to be completely separate.
Feel free to say you’re scared to the therapist! They may start by asking “What brings you here?” or “What do you hope to achieve by coming here?” and feel free to tell them all the things about it that have been spinning in your head. It is too bad it is a taboo but luckily your boyfriend is supportive and encouraging about it.
I agree with everyone else that it would be a good idea to go and try if therapy is, to you, a positive thing.
I also think your boyfriend’s offer is a good sign, meaning your boyfriend is serious about his recovery, serious about his relationship with you, and serious your wellbeing. Therapy is not cheap, and he is willing to make the investment.
It also says he is confident that therapy is likely to improve the relationship: and that is not the attitude of someone who has reasons to fear a smart professional outsider might warn you away from him. So, it’s both a good idea, and a good sign. Kudos all around !
Some thoughts on finding a good therapist:
Finding a therapist is a lot like finding a friend. Even although many people are decent, helpful folks, that doesn’t mean you will feel at ease to confide in everyone you meet. It isn’t easy to find someone that listens to you in the right way for you, and then say the things you need to hear.
Therapists are, of course, trained to be far better listeners and helpers then most decent, helpful folks. So the chance of connecting is much, much bigger. But it still takes a bit of trial and error. Your perfect therapist might be another guys mismatch, and the therapist recommended to you by a friend might be just not your type.
So, on a more practical note, expect to talk to at least 3 therapists before you “click” with one. A very practical way is to look up a few in the yellow pages and talk with them on the phone a few minutes while explaining your situation and asking them what sort of therapy they provide. Do they subscribe medicine? How much and how do they charge? Etcetera. The important thing (besides getting some practical information) is determining if you feel a “click” with that person. Is it easy to talk to him/her? Do you get a bit of positive energy from that talk? Does the talk make you feel a little bit better about yourself? Do you feel understood, accepted? If the answer to these questions is “no”, then thank them for their time and move on.
A bit more about what psychotherapy is and isn’t can be foundhere.
I was going to say that it’s a horrible idea when I read the title, because you going to therapy won’t fix someone’s issues and trying to do so just hurts you (and possibly them). But when I read what you’re actually doing it seems like a good idea, it may help you and at worst you’ll just find it ineffective for you.
Yes, actually, I regretted the phrasing as soon as I pressed enter…I should have said something like “Should I get help in how I react to my boyfriend’s difficult stuff”. I don’t want to fix him, he’s doing that himself.
Hey, I didn’t know you were I psychologist. Thanks for your valuable input, especially your point of speaking to more than one therapist. I have a friend who is very happy with hers, so I might start there, but of course I’m not my friend. I agree it’s a good idea to “interview” more than one person.
It is too bad it is a taboo but luckily your boyfriend is supportive and encouraging about it.