My girlfriend and her husband returned from a 2-month long vacation… I thought they’d return feeling happier, more loving towards eachother blah blah blah… but when I spoke w/her last night, she sounded so sad and frustrated w/her husband’s profession (he’s an officer on a cruise line and can be away from home/her 4-6 months at a time). She said, “I’m going to meet with a therapist for the first time, I’m nervous… dont’ like to admit I NEED to see one of those peope,” to which I responded, “Oh, I think that’s a good idea.”
BUT then, my foot jammed into my mouth when I said later, “i know I never felt comfortable mtg w/a therapist, they’re all about money and keeping you sedated… I hope the person you see is not like that.” Oh boy, I knew right after that CRAP came out of my mouth that it was the wrong thing to say!!! I feel awful now! Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, what is the proper etiquette in responding to a disclosure like that? I’ll be talking with her again and sure it’ll come up as she seems to feel better talking about her frustrations with me, and I DON’T want to say something insensitive or outright STUPID again!
Yeah, wrong thing to say IMHO. I would have been supportive to whatever she felt she needed to do. And maybe a clarification from you to her about this view may be in order.
Your suggested response is perfect! Thank you for responding.
Ftr, I don’t have anything against therapy. I guess i do, however, disapprove of the type I mentioned, which was off the cuff and in retrospect, I SHOULD have kept my personal opinion to myself. I KNOW there are good effective therapists available–they’re just not as easy to find… and who wants to shop around? metaphorically speaking of course.
Well, people that you call therapist generally don’t aim to keep you sedated. Only a psychiatrist can do that and they don’t usually try to sedate all their patients until they have a breakdown themselves.
The proper thing to say is: “Best of luck. They have really helped some people that I have known.”
Yes, by all means be supportive. You might mention that finding a therapist who is a good “fit” for the individual is important. You can tell her that if she doesn’t feel comfortable with the first therapist she sees, she could consider seeing a different one to see if they mesh better.
I do agree w/everything you said, the others as well. I especially appreciate all the suggested responses–the more the better, please!
Btw, if my girlfriend doesnt feel connected/comfortable with this therapist, I know she won’t seek a different one… I’m keeping all fingers crossed and prayers for a successful initial consultation.
[QUOTE=ShagnastyOnly a psychiatrist can do that and they don’t usually try to sedate all their patients until they have a breakdown themselves.
The proper thing to say is: “Best of luck. They have really helped some people that I have known.”[/QUOTE]
I did mean psychiatrist, sorry for the confusion. And it’s true… I actually do know some people who received excellent therapy from their psychiatrist. How I wish I had said that instead! :smack:
How about: “I’m sorry for what I said earlier - it just popped out. I truly hope you find the help you need. You deserve all the happiness in the world and taking the first step can be so hard. I’m proud of you.”
I was raised to have a negative opinion of therapy and therapists. Then I found myself flat on my back and almost completely catatonic with depression. Needless to say, I changed my mind.
I’ve also put my foot so far in my mouth, I swear my toes were sticking out the other end! :eek:
There’s nothing wrong with apologizing, but you know that. There are also a lot of bad therapists out there and a therapist who’s right for someone might be wrong for someone else. You might want to remind your girlfriend of that, and let her know that you’ll stand by her until she does find a good one.
One thing: finding a therapist, even a bad one, isn’t always easy. A few years ago, when I decided I needed to get back into therapy, the first five I called weren’t accepting new patients. I kept asking them for referrals until I found one who was. She did tremendous work, including seeing me through an extremely rough patch three years ago. It’s been a couple of years since I’ve been in therapy now, but friends can tell you she made a noticeable difference, including my girlfriends! Please pass that on to yours, and let her know you’re on her side. I assure both of you, therapy can make a tremendous difference, if done right.
By the way, only a psychiatrist can precribe drugs; psychotherapists can’t. The woman who helped me so much a few years ago didn’t advocate them, although we did give Zoloft and Wellbutrin a try when I was laid off and in particularly bad shapes (we had my regular physician write the prescription). The side effects from both were so bad, we decided the best anti-depressant for me would be a new job. She also cut her prices when my health insurance ran out.
Good luck to you and your friend. Standing by someone in rough times isn’t easy, but, believe me, it is *much * appreciated!
CJ
The response to the title that keeps coming to my mind is “Good for you. Do you feel like talking about why you are doing so?”
Which strikes me as not THE worst thing one can say- but not particularly sensitive to the reality that the friend may not wish to tell me why she is seeing a therapist- and at the end of the day, It’s none of my business anyway, but the curiousity would get to me.
Good for you, I hope it helps or good luck without the prying strike me as better responses. Although, it isn’t beyond the realm of possibility that discussing the issue(s) casually with a friend could also be helpful.
It is either meeting with a therapist, or mating with a therapist.
If she actually said “mtg w/a” in a conversation then the therapist has his/her work cut out.
Which one? The one about admitting NEEDing to see a therapist or the one saying it’s a good idea?
I didn’t want to admit I needed to see a therapist, so I didn’t. I mentioned the results in my last post. Before everything blew up in my face, friends were telling me I needed to see one, but I didn’t believe them. Fortunately, if they got in any “I told you so’s” later, I don’t remember them.
Back on a Wednesday at the beginning of summer, my knee started hurting. I went on with life, including taking the bus to work instead of driving two days later because I didn’t think I needed to see a doctor. The following day, Saturday, my knee was so sore and inflamed I could barely walk and I realized I did need to see a doctor. After 10 weeks of treatment, hard work, and (physical) therapy, I’m back to being able to walk without limping, if not without pain, and I can see a point when things will get back to normal. To me, seeing a therapist when things get too much for you to handle successfully on your own is no different from me going to see a doctor (technically an emergency room) when I realized my knee wasn’t going to get better on its own.
In the workplace, I respect people who know when they can’t do something on their own and get help, rather than trying to do it alone anyway and making a mess of it. I don’t see why it should be any different when it comes to one’s physical or mental health. If someone has tried to sort things out on his or her own, and is sounds like pace’s friend did, then I see nothing wrong with seeking professional help. I just wish I’d done so 20 years ago, instead of leaving it until things got nearly fatal.
Siege, thanks for sharing your personal experience, it covers everything I was concerned about (g/f meeting w/a good psychiatrist, if it’s recommended she take antidepressants, the possible side effects, what will g/f do if she’s not satisfied with either? etc). And without quesiton, i’ll always support her, 100%!
Having crammed my foot in my foot and wanting to be more careful in the future, I guess i should be doing more than posting here for advice? are there books I can read to enable me to become more knowledgeable about what’s proper to say and what isn’t whenever she wants to be more open about her meetings with her psychiatrist, or about her frustrations in general? She’s pretty fragile right now, I could almost hear the tears streaming down her cheeks through the phone … well, one positive thing to mention is that I’m going to visit her soon (she lives in Italy) and I’ve already guaranteed her one-helluva great girlfriend time together! We’re going to Venice, Bologna, and Monte Carlo! Through the course of all that touring/driving around, we’ll talk more about anything and everything, so all the more reason now, for me to get more advice from good people like you and others who’ve posted already.
Not everywhere it isn’t, to be clearer girl friend might be just a friend but girlfriend would mean an SO or potential SO to many people, to be even more clear 'A female friend of mine, and her husband …" would work well.
Not that you aren’t free to use whatever term you are comfortable with, but please don’t get uppity if someone does not understand what you mean.
… well, one positive thing to mention is that I’m going to visit her soon (she lives in Italy) and I’ve already guaranteed her one-helluva great girlfriend time together! 
We’re going to Venice, Bologna, and Monte Carlo! Through the course of all that touring/driving around, we’ll talk more about anything and everything, so all the more reason now, for me to get more advice from good people like you and others who’ve posted already.