Why not?
Thanks, Dio. That’s exactly the kind of thing I was looking for. (As long as you’re not screwing with me on the zebra thing.)
You’d have to be just as prepared to talk about selling our palantir and replicator services.* Also I’ve gotten permission to bring Kim, and she certainly wants to go, and I’m not sure if I trust you with my wife. 
Because it’s a bit too early to celebrate; Wild Card games are played by the teams that oftentimes barely make it into the playoffs, and they have the longest road to travel, so to speak, to win the Super Bowl championship. Celebrating after a Wild Card game win might happen, but the Gatorade-dumping level of celebration would probably only happen after the team wins the Super Bowl itself.
Put another way, celebrating with Gatorade-dumping after a Wild Card win would be like throwing a party when you get a client to agree to a first meeting to discuss possible business ventures.
Gotcha. I’d heard about the Gatorade thing,but I didn’t realize it was only done after the Super Bowl.
Why are the special teams not considered part of the offense? I take it that in this context “offense” = “guys who can run really fast,” whereas I always took it to mean “big guys who can effectively bar the other guys from scoring by kicking their ass during a tackle,” which I now see must be defense.
Both sides will send their special teams out at the same time. If it’s a punt or field goal attempt, one team is still on offense, and one’s on defense, but they use different players than they would for a normal play. There’s plenty of personnel overlap between special teams and offense or defense, especially for things like linemen on punts. It’s more that the job being done when special teams are on the field is different enough from what the offense or defense normally does, that it calls for some specialists who do nothing else (like kickers). But lots of special team members are part of the offense or defense as well. DeSean Jackson is the Eagle’s punt returner, and also plays as wide receiver. Which leads to more advice - whenever he has the ball, refer to him as a “hot dog” or “showboater” - he’s the guy who spiked the ball before he got into the endzone in the Eagles first game against Dallas this year. (Often when a player scores a touchdown, he’ll throw the ball into the ground, aka spiking. Doing it before you cross the goal line is a fumble, and a really stupid thing to do.)
They’re a completely different unit, with different personel (though there is overlap with defensive or offensive units), and they’re not always used on offensive plays, but more often on change of possession plays (i.e. kickoffs and punts), and much of the same personel is used whether they’re kicking the ball or receiving the ball. The only time a special team could really be conidered an offensive unit is when they’re attempting a field goal.
Has anybody mentioned replay challenges yet?
If you see a coach throw a red flag (or “rag” or “piece of laundry”) onto the field, that means he’s challenging the call on the field and wants the zebras to look at the instant replay. Usually the kind of thing that gets challenged involves possession of the football or scoring. For instance, a coach might argue that an opposing player stepped out of bounds or did not really catch a ball). If the replay shows “indisputable visual evidence” that the officials got the call wrong on the field, the call can be corrected. Each team is allowed two replay challenges, and if they lose the challenge (if the officials do not reverse the call after looking at the replay), the team that made the challenge loses a timeout.
Not everything can be challenged. Penalties, for instance, can’t be challenged. Mostly it’s stuff that involves possession of the ball, spot of the ball (including disputes over whether a player has crossed the goal line) pass completions and determinations of whether a player was in or out of bounds.
In the last two minutes of each half, replays can be reviewed only at the discretion of the officials.
Bring ear plugs.
One of our ploys is to be as obnoxiously loud as possible, which has caused issues with other teams.
Remember to only be loud when the home team is on defense, though. The idea is to make it hard for the offensive players to hear their quarterback, causing them to make mistakes or jump offsides.
When the home QB is calling out signals, the home crowd is quiet.
Both sides need some fast guys and some big ones. The offense needs fast guys to run with the ball, but also big guys to protect the quarterback (or other ball carrier while they’re still near the line of scrimmage) from the defense’s big guys. And the defense needs big guys to try and tackle the QB etc. near the line of scrimmage, but also fast guys to run after the ball carrier when that doesn’t work.
It’s not quite as simple as that. Offense and defense both have big, strong, slow guys and small, speedy guys, depending on what their job is. In general, the players on one team match up against guys on the other team with similar physical attributes.
Look at the picture here. That’s a pretty typical formation at the start of a play. (The yellow line isn’t actually painted on the field, it’s just added to the picture as a reference.) The team in white has the ball. The guy in the middle with his hand on the yellow line (you can’t really see the ball) is the Center. On either side of him are the offensive linemen, and they’re facing the defensive linemen. These are the big brutes on both teams. At the start of a play, they crash into each other and push. After the play starts, the linemen only touch the ball if things are going very wrong.
The other guys in white are the Quarterback, the Receivers, and a Running Back (behind the quarterback, out of the picture). Receivers are the speedy, skinny guys. A Running Back should be fast, too, but also strong enough to fight off the defenders who are trying to tackle him.
Facing off against the Receivers are Cornerbacks and Safeties. They have to be fast, to stay close to the Receivers and prevent them from catching the ball (or maybe catch it themselves). Behind the defensive line are Linebackers; like Running Backs, they’re a combination of fast and strong.
The guys in white have a plan. They know what’s supposed to be happening. The linemen know where they’re supposed to push their guys. They may be trying to open a certain gap in the line for a runner, or just protecting the quarterback and buying him some time to throw the ball. The Quarterback will give the ball to a runner, or throw it to someone who looks likely to catch it.
The defense has a plan, too, based on what they think the offense will do. They may guard the Receivers man-to-man, or just move to their assigned areas. The Linebackers may drop back to guard against a pass, or they may go forward to stop a run, and maybe even tackle the quarterback before he can throw the ball.
Special teams aren’t just for the offense. When one team is punting, the other sends out special players who are good at catching and returning a punt. If one team is trying to kick a field goal, the other sends out players who are good at blocking a kick. I suppose you could view them as ‘offense’ and ‘defense’, since one team has the ball and the other doesn’t; but the players are specialists and they’re trying to do something very different than a typical offensive play.
(They’re not all specialists, of course. Teams can only have 43 players, and they choose them carefully. Typically, the player who catches punts will be a backup receiver in case one of the starting receivers gets injured.)
I never realized how hard this all is to explain clearly, especially with only text. I hope we’re helping.
My two cents:
Don’t fake it. An understanding of football is similar to an understanding of computers. They are both subjects where knowledge is basically “all or nothing.” When someone tries to fake knowledge about computers, it’s completely obvious, right? It’s the same with football. If you start trying to fake it with someone who knows about football, you are going to be transparent and they are going to be put off. If you start faking it with someone who knows nothing about football (and is just at the game for business), they are going to be bored and disinterested. Better to just scrap the whole concept of faking it from the get-go.
Now, as for learning enough about football to watch the game. I think it’s really tough to absorb football knowledge in the abstract like this. Not totally useless, but tough. A much more educational (and fun) approach is to try and sit with someone who is knowledgeable and rabid about the game (hereinafter referred to as Mr. Football). Just casually lean over before the game and say to him, “I like football, but I really don’t know a lot about it and I don’t really follow the NFL.” No need to explain any further or plead nerddom. If you need an icebreaker, you can always joke about how you think every guy’s first NFL game should be a playoff game.
Figure out which color uniform you are pulling for (hint: look for purple). Be sure to cheer and jump up when the fans wearing that color do. Now and then, you can turn to Mr. Football and say, “what happened?” or “what’s going on?” In my experience, those small questions will turn into a gracious and organic crash course on football. You will learn a lot really really really quickly. You will be able to appreciate when something good is happening, understand how good and bad plays affect the momentum of the game (and the psyche of the crowd), and have a great time. Don’t forget to buy Mr. Football a beer or two.
Second of all, I’m assuming you want to enjoy watching the game. I have an interesting technique I’ve used to help my wife enjoy football games we’ve attended. She doesn’t know a lot about football (by choice) and is typically less than enthusiastic about the whole experience. What I do is I pick a player or two for her to keep an eye on and tell her why she should care. This gives her something simple to focus on and when her players do something good/bad, she is always really interested.
So, my friend, for your game:
When the Eagles are on offense, watch their running back, Brian Westbrook. Despite the fact he’s been injured quite a bit, he’s an extremely versatile and exciting player. The Eagles will give him the ball a lot, handing it to him to run or throwing it to him on short passes. If you keep an eye on him, you will more than likely see him do something exciting. When the Eagles are on offense, he will usually line up almost directly behind the football, either behind or beside the quarterback. They will move him around, though, so when he positions himself somewhere else at the start of a play, keep an eye out for something interesting.
For the Vikings, watch their quarterback, Tarvaris Jackson. The Vikings’ chance to win this game is going to depend on how he plays. He was the starting quarterback for the Vikings, but lost the job due to crappy play. Recently, the Vikings’ quarterback got injured, so Jackson stepped back in. He wasn’t brilliant, but he played well enough for the Vikings to win and make the playoffs. The question at hand for this game is: will he choke? Will he play well? Every fan in the stadium is going to be watching him closely to see whether he can get the job done.
Sorry this turned into a manuscript. I hope it was helpful and not just tedious. Have a great time at the game. Be sure to let us know how it goes for you.
And if you see someone walking around wearing a Philadelphia Eagles jacket or jersey, feel free to kick and/or spit on this person. Believe me, if the game was being played in Philly and you were spotted wearing a Vikings jersey, they wouldn’t hesitate to do the same to you. Hell, Philly people booed Santa Claus.
I really hope you’re kidding with that last piece of advice. You realize I’m going for WORK, right? Nothing else is getting me into a football game.
Nah, unless you’re wearing Packers Pride crap. We’re too nice here. We’d just stare at the offender until they felt uncomfortable and left. 
Ah, yes, Minnesota Nice!
You can tell I’m a transplant.
Hey! He blew the Gjallarhorn (spelling?) to kick off last week’s game.
Skald, I’m jealous. My family has 4 tickets to the game, but I’ve been forbidden to go by the husband because we’re spending it with his family. That said, I really, really want to go.
About the Metrodome. It’s warm inside, maybe 65 - 70? Long ago, I heard it said that it was “always sunny and 75” inside, but it’s clearly not that warm, especially with the cold spell we’ve got right now. It’ll be loud. If you’re in the lower deck, or near any speakers, it’ll be louder. We like to say we have “the loudest fans in the NFL,” but that loudness is at least partially due to the volume of the speakers - they really crank it. That said, it’ll certainly be louder because it’s a playoff game.
Do you know where you’re sitting?
As for other team members, watch for #5, Chris Cluwe, on punts - he’s a really good punter, often punting the ball 40-50 yards a time. He’s also good at punting to corners, which can pin the other team close to that end of the field, meaning that they have to go that much farther to score. Which brings us to…
Field position. One poster said that football is a game of clock management. Equally important is starting field position, the location the offense has to start from. A football field is 100 yards long, flanked on either end by a brightly colored end zone. It’s also marked with yard lines that increase up to the 50 yard line, the field’s midpoint. The goal of the game is to get into one of these end zones as many times as possible (or kick as many field goals as possible) to score more points than your opponent.
To start the game, the teams flip a coin, with the visitors (the Eagles, in our case) calling the toss. The winner of the coin toss chooses whether they’d like to kick off or receive the ball (with most teams electing to receive). To start the game, one team “kicks off” to the other - to do so, the kicker places the ball in a tee on the 35 yard line, and kicks it as far as he can to the other team. The idea is to kick the ball as deeply as possible to hopefully give the opposing team the worst field position possible.
If you can trap your opponents deep in “their own territory,” or closest to the end zone they’re moving away from, you give them further to go to score, upping the chances that they won’t be able to go the 10 yards in four downs and will have to return the ball to you by punting. Likewise, if you can make them punt from deep within their own territory, you’re upping the chances that you’ll receive the ball a lot closer to mid-field, shortening the distance you have to go to score. Games are won and lost on field position and who can control it with their “special teams” - the guys who take the field during punts and kick-offs.
You realize that the game’s gonna be two hours of torture for me, right?
Ah well, At least it’s not a strip club or something.
About the Metrodome. It’s warm inside, maybe 65 -
2 hours of torture? Only if you leave early. And you can stop by a strip club on the way out on 4th Street! Bonus.
Grumble grumble lucky bastard gets to go to my game and he doesn’t even care grumble mumble grumble