[QUOTE=9thFloor]
<SNIP>
Standing in line, I pretty much like to be left to myself. I’m a dour person.
<SNIP>
[/QUOTE]
I love this line. That could be me.
But I’m trying to get a little better. I think I could be a little friendlier and it wouldn’t hurt me.
But I do agree with you that if a person doesn’t want to be bothered, let him be.
Having been born and raised around the New York / New England area, YES, excessive friendliness is percieved as intrusive, rude, inappropriate and even aggressive or psychotic.
This sort of behavior is usually reserved for imbeciles, metal patients, or people in some sort of sales, HR or marketing job where they think putting on a cheerful facade makes them more effective at that job.
There are a couple of reasons why people do this:
or
or
I simply tell them to mind their own business.
What you’ve got here isn’t people being friendly; it’s people being familiar. Overly familiar.
To treat a stranger like someone you are personally intimate with, whose moods you are allowed to comment on because of an emotional bond between you, is r-e-w-d RUDE. It doesn’t matter whether you’re being complimentary, sympathetic, or hostile. The mere fact of requiring a stranger to put up with your invasive personal remarks constitutes rudeness right from the get-go.
People who go around being intrusively familiar with strangers as a personal hobby do so at their own risk. (Of course, as long as we’re channeling Miss Manners, the correct response to intrusive familiarity is a snubbing chilliness and refusal to play along, not a sarcastic wisecrack or a punch in the snoot, richly as the perpetrator might deserve it.)
People who incorporate being intrusively familiar with strangers into their job duties, on the other hand, should be corrected by their supervisor. Sounds like the OP needs to have a chat with the manager at this post office. (I think the USPS has been trying over the past few years to counteract its perceived “surliness” customer service image. Which is fine, but anti-surliness strategies can be carried too far.)
And by the way, yes, there is some regional variation in the rudeness of familiarity with strangers, but not that much regional variation. It is never polite to continue being intrusively familiar with a stranger who has snubbed your first attempt at familiarity, for example.
Kimstu, that is a great distinction. I agree. Friendliness shouldn’t be intrusive. A smile and a wish of a great day is friendly. What the OP described is intrusively familiar.
I made a written complaint about a rude coworker recently. I’m a pretty mellow person and would not normally make a complaint like that, but her behavior was sufficiently strange and hostile that I felt it needed the attention of her supervisor. I understand (actually overheard her saying) that she was called into HR regarding the write up.
Since then she has been very pointedly and overtly polite to me on the rare occasion we bump into each other.
For example, I was waiting for the elevator. When the door opened, she was the only occupant. She started to exit and noticed me. She stopped at the door sill briefly, then said “Are you waiting for the elevator?” I said “Yes, I am.” She then stepped to the side and waved her arm into the elevator and said “Here it is, then,” and walked away. I said “Thank you.” and got on.
This seems very nearly like a normal and friendly exchange, but something about it was not.
This lady had tried to engage me in conversation since the initial event of the complaint, but my history (and I’m not the only one who has problems with her) with her has shown me that she is hostile and volatile, so I try to not interact with her… which is pretty easy since we are not in the same department.
I wonder what this type of overt, almost hostile, friendliness is called.
[QUOTE=Ca3799]
I wonder what this type of overt, almost hostile, friendliness is called.
[/QUOTE]
I’ve seen it described in literature as “brittle”, though no specific noun comes to mind.
This is fascinating to me. Like your boyfriend, I say hello to people when I’m out in my neighborhood. It’s how I grew up, and I do it automatically. To me, it would seem extremely unfriendly not give a “hey” or “mornin” to my neighbors. If you hadn’t posted how uncomfortable it makes you, I would have said you were being very rude to the guy by not greeting him back. Now that you’ve explained, I don’t think that either of you were being deliberately rude, just that your wires were hopelessly crossed.
Where I’m from, we have a name for people who exhibit aggressive friendliness. We call them assholes.
In the Pit a week or two ago, we were talking about people trying to be friendly while driving- waving other people through when it’s your turn & stuff like that- that ends up being a big pain in the ass for everybody.
It sounds like those two Postal people have a bit too much Joy Joy Joy Joy Down In Their Hearts. Unfortunately, in cases like this, it could be Down In Their Hearts To Stay.
FWIW - I split my time growing up between an inner city neighborhood where a person was likely to get their ass kicked for making eye contact with the wrong stranger; and an area deep in the woods of southern Indiana where a person was likely to get their ass kicked by not making eye contact with the wrong stranger. I found it is important to learn about one’s environment and act appropriately, thus not being at the risk of an unexpeted whomping.
A post office would not be an appropriate environment for this behavior.
I try to avoid both of these areas now and opt for places where a simple nod is all that is socially required.
[QUOTE=Khadaji]
I love this line. That could be me.
But I’m trying to get a little better. I think I could be a little friendlier and it wouldn’t hurt me.
But I do agree with you that if a person doesn’t want to be bothered, let him be.
[/QUOTE]
LOL, thanks. Yeah, me too which is why it’s a bit of a dilemma for me.
This afternoon, for example I’m happy to report, I went by and was perfectly friendly and we all connected well; but that’s cuz I was already in a good mood. I guess I just don’t like the emotional imposition so the post about overly familiar is probably a good one because it’s one thing to try to cheer someone up (if you think they need cheering which generally I don’t anyway) but to declare yourself to be the one to do it is where it gets sticky, especially in a service environment. Oh, and they were closing and took me anyway so I guess that helped LOL <I’m such a stinker>
I may be somewhat beyond the pale though; I used to fantasize about restaurants where there’d be a little jukebox-looking thing at the booth (like a mini version of the menus at drive-thrus like Sonic) and you’d look through that menu with pictures and all that and choose what you want, swipe your card, and the food would be swoooshed! out to you through a fucking TUBE (like at the bank’s drive thru) that’s optimally designed to safely and gently deliver the food onto the table. No waiters, no waitresses, no “hey, what’s that you’re readin’ there?”.
Just me, myself and I (and a book).
Ahhh, bliss…
[QUOTE=Ca3799]
I made a written complaint about a rude coworker recently. I’m a pretty mellow person and would not normally make a complaint like that, but her behavior was sufficiently strange and hostile that I felt it needed the attention of her supervisor. I understand (actually overheard her saying) that she was called into HR regarding the write up.
Since then she has been very pointedly and overtly polite to me on the rare occasion we bump into each other.
For example, I was waiting for the elevator. When the door opened, she was the only occupant. She started to exit and noticed me. She stopped at the door sill briefly, then said “Are you waiting for the elevator?” I said “Yes, I am.” She then stepped to the side and waved her arm into the elevator and said “Here it is, then,” and walked away. I said “Thank you.” and got on.
This seems very nearly like a normal and friendly exchange, but something about it was not.
This lady had tried to engage me in conversation since the initial event of the complaint, but my history (and I’m not the only one who has problems with her) with her has shown me that she is hostile and volatile, so I try to not interact with her.. which is pretty easy since we are not in the same department.
I wonder what this type of overt, almost hostile, friendliness is called.
[/QUOTE]
Maybe it’s Guinastasia. 
[QUOTE=Kimstu]
What you’ve got here isn’t people being friendly; it’s people being familiar. Overly familiar.
To treat a stranger like someone you are personally intimate with, whose moods you are allowed to comment on because of an emotional bond between you, is r-e-w-d RUDE. It doesn’t matter whether you’re being complimentary, sympathetic, or hostile. The mere fact of requiring a stranger to put up with your invasive personal remarks constitutes rudeness right from the get-go.
People who go around being intrusively familiar with strangers as a personal hobby do so at their own risk. (Of course, as long as we’re channeling Miss Manners, the correct response to intrusive familiarity is a snubbing chilliness and refusal to play along, not a sarcastic wisecrack or a punch in the snoot, richly as the perpetrator might deserve it.)
People who incorporate being intrusively familiar with strangers into their job duties, on the other hand, should be corrected by their supervisor. Sounds like the OP needs to have a chat with the manager at this post office. (I think the USPS has been trying over the past few years to counteract its perceived “surliness” customer service image. Which is fine, but anti-surliness strategies can be carried too far.)
And by the way, yes, there is some regional variation in the rudeness of familiarity with strangers, but not that much regional variation. It is never polite to continue being intrusively familiar with a stranger who has snubbed your first attempt at familiarity, for example.
[/QUOTE]
Really, that’s the correct Miss Manners response? YAY! MM would be prouda me.
I can do chilly. Oh, I can dooo chilly. :eek:
How about giving someone a Glasgow Kiss - Where you act all friendly and then headbut them in the face?
[QUOTE=burundi]
This is fascinating to me. Like your boyfriend, I say hello to people when I’m out in my neighborhood. It’s how I grew up, and I do it automatically. To me, it would seem extremely unfriendly not give a “hey” or “mornin” to my neighbors. If you hadn’t posted how uncomfortable it makes you, I would have said you were being very rude to the guy by not greeting him back. Now that you’ve explained, I don’t think that either of you were being deliberately rude, just that your wires were hopelessly crossed.
[/QUOTE]
I’ve spent most of my life living in (or visiting) urban areas. Strangers all over. Unless you have business with them (what’s the time? Where’s the nearest bus stop/Metro station/cafe?) you avoid eye contact and go about your business.
Now, if you inadvertently make eye contact with someone, a nod of the head or a hello is acceptable. But where I’m from, if you’re strolling along the avenue greeting everyone you meet, you’ll stand out. People will think you’re odd. Some, like me, will find the attention of strangers uncomfortable.
Yeah, so I’ve got a bit of social anxiety going on. But like I said, the behavior I’ve observed among my fellow 'burgers is that strangers don’t interact.
Neighbors are different, since they’re not totally strangers. A good morning is friendly. Although I still don’t interact with my neighbors as much as others might, since I’m very shy and tend to not like people much.
I think it’s really an urban/rural thing. If you’re from a small town, out in the country, or live in the suburbs, you know your neighbors better. You have fewer people around to interact with. You don’t run across bums in alleys. That guy coming towards you on the sidewalk probably isn’t a crackhead, junkie, or otherwise someone you’d rather not talk to.
I dunno. I spend most of my time out in public trying to blend in, so if someone acknowledges me, it’s like, “Oh, shit, now they’ve noticed me! insert long list of embarassed, anxiety-filled thoughts I probably look like an idiot!” :o
I think Kimstu hit it on the head - these guys aren’t being friendly, they’re being too familiar, and assholes at the same time.
[QUOTE=RedRosesForMe]
It pissed me off. It made me uncomfortable. I’d say it was rude. My BF totally doesn’t understand this. Maybe this guy was also from a small town where this was polite and friendly. In my world, to go out of your way to greet a person daily who is trying to ignore you is rude.
I dunno. I just don’t feel comfortable making eye contact/interacting with strangers. I also think it’s rude when sales people touch me. That also makes me extremely uncomfortable, and much less likely to buy anything. I need a lot of personal space, and not a lot of eye contact.
Wow. I must sound like a totally antisocial bitch now. Oh well.
[/QUOTE]
Naw, you just sound a bit grumpy. Cheer up!
Seriously - I don’t think it’s rude or pushy to say “good morning.” Expecting a response may well be, however. YMMV, of course. And I never did fit in living in NYC.
To dig a little deeper into the city folk/country folk divide on public friendliness…
A city dweller is conditioned to be wary of strangers and especially wary of strangers who try to strike up communication. Even a brief “good morning” from a stranger, if responded to, could lead to “oh, no! I’ve given them an opening! Are they going to ask for something from me? Will they get creepy if I don’t respond how they want me to?” This is learned from experience. If a stranger starts up with you, most of the time it doesn’t end especially well.
Whereas non-city dwellers have a different expectation. Most of the strangers they might meet in their environment share the common experience of relative safety. So, a stranger saying “good morning” is not immediately a threat. This is learned from experience for them.
Just my 2 cents.
Icarus, that reminds me of a story I’d read once somewhere (great cite, I know. I spend most of my time in IMHO) about a country boy just moved to the Big City. He encountered a huge number of panhandlers, religious nutjobs, and weirdoes, but couldn’t figure out why.
He eventually deduced that Big City folk avoided eye contact on the street at all costs, because of the crazies you meet all over. Not used to this, he made or maintained eye contact with these folks, giving them an opening to start asking for change or if he’d found Jesus or whatnot.
I was standing in a pub a few years ago when a stranger seeing my expression said “Cheer up mate it may never happen”
I then informed him that my mum had died the previous day.
So cheer up - it won’t happen again!
Regards,
Shodan