I wrote a very short story a few months back that I’m tempted to go back to and expand on. I don’t usually do that, but everyone I’ve shown it to so far has said " I wish it was longer," so…
If you would read the story, then read and answer the two questions I’m putting in the spoiler box below, it would be very helpful for deciding what direction I’d like to go in if I do get back to it.
To further be a pain in the butt, I’d also request that you put your feedback in a spoiler box ( like this{spoiler} text here {/spoiler} if you’re unfamilar with them, only using brackets instead of }'s ) as well, so no one figures out what the story is about before reading it. You can give other feedback as well( bearing in mind it’s merely a 1st draft and I’m not thrilled by all of the wording) if you like, but I’m mostly interested in knowing the answers to the questions below. If I had been born a cat I’d be dead by now
I’m wondering if we’re in the middle of a geocities update or something. It’s very weird that it worked, didn’t work, worked, and currently doesn’t work.
I had some trouble opening it, but I just copied and pasted the link instead of clicking it.
Okay, well, I read your spoilers before I read the actual story…but I still didn’t figure it out. Not till the end. Then I realized why it was so cold and dark…(Ahh, so the little light really does go off when you close the fridge- awesome!!) Anyway, I thought it was good and creative for a first draft. As you said, you should probably change some words around, but on the whole, I enjoyed it a lot.
HAHAHA I am such a lunk head. Excuse my laughing but i was slightly confused at first when i read it. But when i read it a second time i got it. Quite interesting.
Number 1: I found out the answer to this question by reading the line “Mom, there is nothing to eat” or something to that effect. Number 2: I found a clue near the beginning. “Yet new additions to their ranks appeared as often as old ones disappeared. It was, they insisted, the proof that the thing was good- it continued their life cycle for them by kindly removing the old and damaged, and giving them young healthy replacements in exchange.” Sorry for doing it this way, but i wanted to point that out without paraphrasing.
Now my thoughts. Very good, but do not bother shortening it or lengthening it. A good piece of writing will beg to be re-read and analysed and studied. I agree with your diction in some instances, while some others ask to be changed for flow control.
Hope this was meaningful. Peace out man and keep writing.
Had to copy and paste the link, but when I did, it worked .
I liked the story. Totally different idea, and after reading it, one wonders: “Why didn’t somebody think of that idea before now?”
It’s very original. I wouldn’t lengthen it, however. A good story leaves the reader thinking: “I wish it was longer”, which that one does.
Now, you could write another story, or many more stories, with the same setting, but I’d leave that one as is. Good luck!
I didn’t figure it out until the very end. A great surprise ending! The only clue was “Mom, there’s nothing to eat”, but once I got it the rest of it all made perfect sense.
I am sorry, but I do not use Geoshitties, WAY too many pop ups (or pop unders, or whatever they are called this week), but I would love to read your story, if you put it somewhere else post the new address here, I will check back.
[spoiler]This reminds me of some stories my brother wrote when he was in high school!
At first I thought they might be toys (the bit about coming back crippled or with their insides missing) and then I was trying to figure out what would need to be kept cold, and would shatter if it hit the floor. I thought maybe icecubes.[/spoiler]
[spoiler]1. I figured it out almost immediately.
2. The title and the first two sentences were pretty strong clues.
I got a sense immediately that the story was written from an “odd” perspective, so I started to think about what that perspective was. It reminded me of short story that another doper wrote from the perspective of an egg (thread here). I like the story (particularly Oscar, whose last name I assume is Meyer), but I’m not sure how much longer it could be without revealing the perspective. You could continue on from where the story ended, though.[/spoiler]
I noticed that a url in {spoiler} tags still shows up, so I had to edit my post a bit.
unclviny, if you cut a paste the url into your browser, you’ll get a Word document and not a Geocities web site.
I thought those were big clues too, but I guess not for most people, which I find really interesting And that story you mentioned is what inspired me to ask for feedback, actually; I’d pretty much put this story out of my mind until I noticed that thread asking for feedback as well.
Here’s a bonus question for those who are up for it:
What is Oscar, in your opinion? I had one thing in mind while writing this story, but not everyone who has read it came up with the same answer, although their answers were all produced by the same company of course.
[spoiler]1. I figured it out very quickly. Within the first few sentences.
2. As others mentioned, the title and the dark/light scenario were the giveaways for me.
A story like this depends on the reader not figuring it out until the end. The sense of surprise at realizing what the story was really about is the big payoff–and if you figure it out early it loses a lot. Maybe a title change and perhaps some misdirection early in the story would help?
I did like it–it’s a good idea. And you’ve got a good sense of narrative–the length and pacing were about right, IMHO.[/spoiler]
I’m going to agree and disagree with you on this point. Part of the success of this type of story depends on surprise of figuring out the perspective, but another part – in my mind, the bigger part – depends on the ability of the writer to develop that perspective. Even though I figured out the perspective right away, I still enjoyed elfkin477’s ability to convey that perspective and finding out what came next.
The link won’t work because it’s linked to a Word .doc file; you should have put it into HTML or at least .txt before putting it on the Internet.
In any case, this isn’t a story; it’s a summary of a story. Second, the “twist” is lousy. It’s obvious from the start that we are going to find some mundane explanation for the whole thing. This is the classic “Jar of Tang” story. See The Turkey City Lexicon.
OK, before I start, may I be nitpicky and correct some grammar?
[spoiler]1)Some, however, when to their fates prematurely. I believe you mean went, not when.
So he drifted and occupied him mind… Maybe his, not him?
A call to a change that would probably prove deadly didn’t broke much empathy of idea with them. Do you mean “didn’t evoke much sympathy?” I’m not entirely getting this sentence.
He just laid there, unable to move because the thing was looking down at him. You’d use lay, not laid, here.
And now to your actual questions. To be honest, I didn’t realize the society was what it was until the last line, when the ‘thing’ exclaims that there is nothing to eat. I found the rest of it very interesting, but no real hints until the very end. Very well done. Keep up the incredible work–you should publish![/spoiler]
