Can I date a High Schooler?

In My Humble Opinion
21

(Bold added). Freejooky, Danalan’s post is thoughtful and nuanced, and I don’t want to suggest otherwise. But the points he raises are not applicable to you, and don’t change the fact that dating this girl would be a Very Bad Idea. First, note the bold portion above - the difference between a 40-year-old and a fifty-year-old is much, much less than that between a teenager and a 27-year-old. In the former case, both people involved are adults, most likely with plenty of experience in relationships, life and so forth. In your case, the 11-year age difference is the difference between an adult and a child. Consider: The girl you met probably has had teachers your age, or even younger. She views people who look like you as authority figures. That’s not a dynamic likely to exist between middle-aged adults.

As for the fact that dramatic age differences were more common back in the day - well, that’s true. But back in the day, men weren’t expected to look for real equals in their mates - their brides were also their wards. That’s not the case today, thanks to something we call “progress”.

Legally, the best way to stay out of trouble is to stay out of trouble. State sex-offense statutes can be notoriously complicated - you’d be very foolish to rely on something like a website listing ages of consent (possibly out of date) to figure this out. Further, I wonder about things like child-welfare laws and civil liability. (What if you got the girl pregnant, Og forbid?) I’m in no way an expert in this stuff, I’m not a lawyer, not your lawyer, etc - but fooling around at the margins of the law is never a good idea.

I’d respectfully disagree with Danalan here. Even if the parents were, by some fluke, okay with you dating their daughter - I’d still be inclined to say it’s not okay. Some parents are just plain odd. It’s so difficult to imagine a relationship between you and this girl being one between genuine equals that I can’t see how reasonable, responsible parents would consent to your dating their daughter. So, I would say: “Don’t do anything, period”.

At the risk of beating a dead horse, there is a world of difference between a relationship involving two sixteen-year-old peers and a child/adult relationship. One involves equals, the other does not. I don’t care how smart or precocious this girl is - she’s a minor, and there are excellent reasons that we treat minors differently than adults like you.

With all due respect to Danalan, the age difference here is entirely “prohibitive”.

22

Is this question for real? I mean…I kept reading and hoping for the word “hypothetically” to jump out at me, and it didn’t.

But, assuming it is for real:

First: No. No. No. No, no, no. It’s illegal, socially unacceptable, and morally questionable–she’s not a fully matured person by our society’s standards, and she hasn’t had a chance to explore the world on her own with the rights of a legal adult. She’s still hormone addled right now, and she deserves at least the rest of her time until legal adulthood to figure out her own life without the overwhelming attention of an older man. Teenagers are very susceptible to romantic attention from older adults that they are attracted to, and odds are, the average 16 year old will not approach a relationship like the average 28 year old. (Personally, I think that’s an understatement, but I’ll leave it at that.)

Second: When you say Juno effect, I wonder if you got the point of that movie or not. She was a savvy teenager and got in way over her head–she dealt with what was thrown at her reasonably maturely, but it left its mark on her and was traumatic. Her relationship with the father of the adoptive couple was only in his mind–in hers, she was treating him like a fellow classmate, maybe with an undertone of a teensy tiny crush. She didn’t know what she was getting into there–and when her stepmom told her that he was a married man and she was dealing with more adult shit she should leave alone, Juno didn’t get it. Until the dude came onto her, and she panicked because the signals she had been sending did not mean what he thought they meant–he was treating her like he would an adult woman, and she, no matter how intelligent and cynical, was not there yet.

23

Call me mean but secretly hope this happens quite often. Those kind of threads provide such endless potential for guilt-free snark.

I find it hard to believe that women his age are so vapid and stupid that this 16yr old girl would ‘put them to shame’.

24

The rule of thumb I’ve always seen for age differences is to take half the older partner’s age and add 7, for the minimum age of the younger partner. Thus, 13-year-olds shouldn’t be dating at all, 14-year-olds should only date other 14-year-olds, and a 16-year-old shouldn’t date anyone older than 18. Or coming at it the other way, a 27-year-old shouldn’t date anyone younger than 20.5, and an 11-year age difference isn’t really acceptable until 36 and 25.

This is only a rule of thumb, of course, but your case is far enough outside of this range to raise some serious eyebrows.

25

My wife’s nephew is currently in jail for exactly this.

I’m serious. We visit him every Saturday.

26

I was 15. He was 21. It was amazing, because he was old enough to drive and live alone and buy booze and was so much more mature than my classmates, and he was actually interested in me.

I spent the better part of two years sabotaging my relationship with my parents, because I knew that if they found out they would be furious and it would end. For the most part we have recovered. They still do not know I was involved with him.

It ultimately turned out he was probably less mature than my peers, and it ended very, very badly, and that further screwed me up emotionally. I can imagine ways it could have ended less traumatically, but I can’t imagine even a five-year age difference like that working.

If you do and people find out about it - which they will - you’ll look at best like a borderline pedophile taking advantage of her, she will either get in trouble with her parents or be forced to lie to them, and that’s not the foundation for a stable relationship.

As someone upthread said, if it’s ‘meant to be’ then it’ll wait for her to grow up a bit. Wait until she’s 21 at least.

27

This. Way too much of an age difference - the half your age + 7 rule is a good guideline to follow.

28

Her 18th birthday is presumably fewer than 24 months away, which isn’t too long in the great scheme of things. You can find out what the date is, then explain that you really like her but know it is inappropriate to date a minor and so you are bowing out in search of dates your own age - and you wish her luck at finding boys her own age to date as well. Tell her that if you aren’t in a relationship when she turns 18, you may send her a birthday greeting.

Then run away! run away!

If this relationship is truly meant to be, someday the two of you will be telling your grandkids the story of how she got the birthday card when she turned 18, called his cellphone but his sister picked up and there was a temporary misunderstanding that later had a humorous and happy resolution, etc. etc. Otherwise, that will be the end of it.

At 17, I started dating a 27 year old and we had a reasonably healthy, happy relationship for 4 years, when it ended because I wasn’t yet ready to settle down and he was ready to nest. In some alternate vision of the future, we might very well have had a long and happy life together. So I’m not quite as squicked out as some people above, but still … you gotta wait.

29

It’s fascinating to me that **purple haze **considers it a skeleton in her closet. :eek::confused::dubious::smack:

I wouldn’t say 100% of the (much) older men have dishonorable intentions. Young girls are often very sweet by virtue of the fact that men haven’t trashed them yet. That’s an attractive trait.

But hey in this day and age, kids ‘mature’ much faster. They learn the right things to say via movies and TV. Get them into a heavy convo where they have to think for themselves and you’d probably find that they can’t keep up.

So no, OP…you really shouldn’t go there. Give her some time to mature and if there’s a true connection, it will survive. I’m waaaay dubious. She’s still finding out who she is. But if it helps you walk away, cool.

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it’s yours.
If it doesn’t,
Hunt it down and kill it.

KIDDING!

30

Unfortunately, if it wasn’t for these reasons, Freejooky, you’d be sweet. But in this day and age, they’re deal-breakers, really.

31

Is she h… You know what, I can’t even finish that dead-horse joke. No. just no.

32

If you’re asking the question, you already know the answer.

33

Depending on what you mean by “date” and “relationship,” then you certainly can have a meaningful relationship with this girl. It’s by no means illegal to have an emotional relationship with her if it works positively for both of you.

I will warn you, though, that the odds are heavily stacked against you (as you can tell by the replies thus far). I have friends who are much younger than myself, but for various reasons, we can connect and have meaningful friendships. I draw my own boundaries, and you should do the same. I certainly wouldn’t suggest taking your friendship/relationship to a level where it does become illegal.

34

One of you will outgrow the other.

If she outgrows you first, you’ll have a few beers and move on.

**If you outgrow her first, you’ll scar her.
**
If your most attractive option is this girl, then you’re not looking hard enough.

35

Isn’t the legal age of consent 16 or 17 in many states? (and in countries besides the U.S., I know it’s usually lower than 18)

I find it curious that doesn’t seem to make a difference to anyone.

36

I find it curious that so many in this thread are assuming the OP wants to have a sexual relationship; which, in fact, is not necessarily implied by the broad term “dating.”

37

Just because you CAN do something doesn’t mean you SHOULD do something. It isn’t like he’s 18 or 19, barely an adult himself.

“Hey Freejooky, want to go see that band at the club?”
“Sorry, I can’t. My girlfriend isn’t 21.”

“Hey Freejooky, want to go to a double date matinee this week?”
“Oh sorry man, my girlfriend has study hall”

38

Of course. And I can see how the OP’s situation could get a little awkward. But as long as it’s legal and consensual I just don’t see the grand tragedy some others in this thread do.

39

A similar story happened in my younger sister’s circle of friends that ended up with the girl being pressured by her own parents into marrying the perv that was dating someone half his age. (They had to do it in Texas because she was too young to get married, even with parental consent, in California.)

It did not exactly go down well.

Don’t do it.

40

If you or the OP cannot see how such a difference in age at this time in life is too vast for a relationship of equals, no amount of discussion is going to matter.

If the OP really believes that his equal is a 16 year old girl, then I think he has bigger issues to deal with. Obviously YMMV.