I’ve been a lurker here for some time, and I’ve seen some great advice given out. I’d love some words of wisdom for my situation.
I found out that my 17 (18 in 6 months) year old daughter is dating a 25 year old guy that she had previously only been friends with, and I’m not sure how to handle this.
First off, my Daughter is a smart, funny, mature, independent girl with a lot of friends and who does very well in school, and is preparing for college next year. She hasn’t dated much, and that has been by choice. She broke up with her last boyfriend (who was her age) because he always had drama going on around him, and unlike a lot of teenagers I know, she hates drama. (She’s up to ears in it now, though!)
Daughter met him some months ago when her friend got her uncle (The Guy) to drive them to the mall. Since then, he has driven their coed group of friends around town to movies and such on occasion for some months now. This whole time, I’ve been constantly asking why is a 25 year old guy ok with hanging out with a group of 17-18 year olds? Just didn’t sound right to me. But Daughter said that Guy doesn’t drink and all his friends do, and he doesn’t like to hang out with a bunch of drunk people. So I trusted her and let her go. By now, I’ve met Guy a few times and he actually seems like a nice person.
So the last few weeks, I notice her texting and talking on the phone to Guy more and more. I start to question her on the nature of their relationship. A lot. But she insists they are just friends.
Today the shit has hit the fan.
Her dad and I (We are divorced, but try to keep a united front in the raising of the kids) found out they have been dating for a while and are possibly having sex. She and I have discussed sex, safe sex, responsibility and consequences on numerous occasions, and she has confided in me about some of her friends activities; some that she disagrees with. On that note, I feel she is comfortable talking and being open with me. (We’re going to talk more specifically later tonight)
I know she lied about dating because we would not have approved, and that is true. So there will definitely be consequences for that, but as for the rest, I am at a loss. I can’t change what’s already happened; I just want to find the right way to deal with it and move on.
My knee jerk response is 17 and 25? NO F***ING WAY! But knowing her, I can understand what an older person would like about her. She’s always had her head on straight, I don’t think for a second she would allow anyone to pressure her into anything she didn’t want to do, and I’ve always believed she is WAY more sensible than I was at that age. So I generally trust her judgment. But now that she’s lied, I don’t know what to do.
And Guy has called apologizing about lying and they both have said he wanted to tell us, but she didn’t. He also said that he would do anything he could possibly do to show that he really cares for her. And I think he really does.
On the other end of that is my ex. I spent a lot of time today talking him out of finding the Guy and doing bodily harm to him. He has refused many times to even meet the Guy when he thought they were just friends, and now has labeled Guy a sick pervert. :rolleyes:
I don’t think he’s some sicko perv, but I AM uncomfortable with the age difference. I feel like I can only condone or condemn the relationship, and neither one really sounds like the right thing.
We made it to 17 without a bit of trouble, and now I just don’t know how to handle it. I don’t want to push her away with ultimatums and demands, as she will be 18 soon; she could just go do whatever she wants anyway, then. Conversely, I don’t want to treat the situation too lightly.
Or, hell, maybe I’m just overreacting about the whole thing. I just don’t know.
I’m planning a long talk with her later tonight, then talking to her dad and then figuring out where we all go from there.
Any and all advice would be very much appreciated.