OK, I need help handling my feeling on this latest “my boys are interested in girls” situation. I swear last night my head wanted to spin around, then I wanted to take my son’s head and spin it around a few times to make sure it was properly connected. On the whole I think I’ve handled myself well. I tried to be non committal while at the same time expressing my concerns. Still, inside, I want to scream “WHAT. ARE. YOU. THINKING, while shaking him until my arms get tired.
Last night I met the latest girl my son has been dating. She. Has. A. Child. Somewhere south of 2. Now to be fair, he’s had a lot of girlfriends this year, and this could be typical of his 4-6 week relationships. He’s also very responsible 17 year old, and does decently in school. We had THE TALK years ago, and we regulary talk about condoms, STDs, waiting to be responsible, blah, blah, blah. But … SHE HAS A FREAKING KID!!! I really don’t want to make too big of an issue about this. Please tell to be calm, this too will pass. I think I’m going to have some bourbon now.
I understand your concern. Young guys date baby mamas for one reason and one reason only. That might not be the end of the world in itself, but I think the way you should approach it with your son is to explain that he is in no way ready to take on a relationship that involves a child. He will probably try to argue that he knows what he’s getting into, which, of course, he does not.
I know it’s usually supposed to be bad advice to forbid a kid to date somebody, but you could still let him know that you think it’s a bad idea, as long as you make it clear that your concern is about a certain level of responsibility (which he can’t possibly be ready for at 17, no matter what he says) and not about a judgement on the girl herself.
Even a casual, short-term relationship is not good for the kid.
ETA, if it makes you feel any better, the chances are it will probably be over pretty quickly. A 17-year-old kid is not going to be able to provide much of what this girl is looking for.
As you say, it will probably peter out in short term. I’d focus on the pitfalls of possible emotional attachment to the kid and of the kid. Honestly, it took me (a single mom at 18) a LONG time to learn not to introduce my boyfriends to my kid, even though I loved to “play house” and see how they interacted with him. Even if he and she thinks that they’re being all casual and friendly, the kid could get very attached very quickly, and the later separation is that much more difficult and even damaging.
Of course, I don’t expect he’ll listen to you any more than I listened to my mother at that age, but at least you’ll know you tried. Rent Jerry Maguire and watch it with him. That’s what finally got the message through my thick skull.
I agree with DtheC – he’s most likely dating her for one specific reason. What he should be told, IMO, is that there are other girls who put out in high school, but understand that having babies is stupid.
If my daughter decided to start dating a guy with a kid (or my son, when he’s in high school), my response would be to sit her down, have a long talk about what is involved in all this idiocy and if she decided she still wanted to date him, well, I’d vry likely make it quite impossible for her to do so. Of course, I am pretty sure I won’t have to worry about that, as my daughter loathes children, and since her cousin had her first crotchfruit at the lovely age of 12, my daughter is well aware of the (un)joys of having a child instead of a life.
How old is the girl? If she’s 20, you have a different type of issue than if she is also 17, or younger. Not to say you don’t still have an issue…
It seems like a good time to try to get a lesson through about how his most-likely-hormone-driven behavior could be harmful to others, even if they don’t realize it, making it all the more important for him to be considerate. Maybe you could try to get the point across about how absolutely responsible you have to be when you are a parent, and that (at least while he’s under your roof…) he has to be at least that responsible while he dates someone who is a parent (babysitters, car seats, whatever other buzz-kills apply). I guess I’d prefer to see you handle this in some way that doesn’t consign the girl to date only creeps for the next however many years, though.
This might be a good time to talk to him about this again, and/or buy him a supply of condoms.
It’s been my experience (from observing my male friends’ relationships with moms, not to mention the young moms I’ve dealt with as a med student on obstetrics) that girls who have one accidental pregnancy tend to go on to repeat the pattern and end up having multiple “accidents”. I definitely understand why you’d be worried about this just because of that potential factor.
Thanks I didn’t think of that, I’ll make sure to bring that up. I pretty much said what Diogenes said without making any direct comments about the girl at all.
Who said she was a skank? The concern here is the responsibility involved with a 17-year-old taking on a relationship involving a child. I don’t see any judgement being passed on the girl in this thread.
Hmm. Not one comment per se, just a feeling I got from reading the first few responses. YMM obviously V. Stuffy himself says he’s “trying hard not to judge”.
I wish it were. Unfortunately, it is very much correctly typed. She just turned 22 and has 5 or 6 now. Ugh.
NinetyWt is right, not all teenaged mothers are skanks – my neice is one who was never a skank – the only boy she’s ever had sex with is the father of her multiple children. My response was not about the skankiness of the girl, but about her mental capacity – she’s old enough to have sex and get pregnant, but not bright enough to use protection? Sure, I don’t know the girl, maybe she was raped, maybe her religion requires all teenaged girls to have children, maybe she used protection and it failed, who knows? Who cares? The OP’s responsibility is to his son, making sure his own child doesn’t ruin his own life while he’s still too young to know better – not to the son’s current girlfriend. The boy needs to be aware that a girl with one child is quite capable and perhaps likely to have another one – is he ready to be the father?
Ultimately, it’s up to the OP’s son as to whether or not he will continue dating this girl, but my advice stands – if it were my situation to deal with, I’d be having a very frank discussion with my child and making my views known.
Oh my…I’m usually one of the last ones to go there, but my sirens are flashing…
What evidence supports your conclusion that this girl, or any 17-year old mother, is more likely to get pregnant again? Even more enraging, why do you imply that this very well could ruin his life? If the OP loves and respects his son, and trusts him to make good decisions, then any kind of “talk” about it is unecessary.
And, if the OP’s son is intelligent, he won’t be fooled by a talk about “protection”. He will see it, correctly, as a judgment on his new girlfriend. As are most of the posts on this thread…
Do not start by freaking out and coming down on him as a parent to a child; he’ll just retreat into childishness. If he’s dating a young mother, he is at least potentially going to be a young (step)father. Act as though you’re fine with that, and approach him as equals over the subject of parenting.
Casually ask in passing what kind of jobs he thinks would be good for helping to support a single mom and child. Or comment about how hard it is get a good babysitter. Or mention what it’s like to deal with schools these days and what do you think about <issue X> on the local school board? Or describe the posting you saw on a new father’s message board about dealing with lack of sleep while still gong to work.
Emphasising the Responsibility ought to scare the poo out of him. It does me, and I’m 45! (And that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t accept such a responsibility, but I’ve had thirty years to learn about people and find my own strength to deal with such things.)
And you might find that your son is readier then he expected to be a father.
Rent Jerry Maguire and watch it with him. That’s what finally got the message through my thick skull.