Recently my aunt asks if we will join my family for dinner next week. She mentioned my cousin will ne there with her boyfriend of 2 months.
What made my wife and I :dubious: was that apparently cousin’s beau has three young children. My cousin has already met them. My wife and I are a little concerned- my cousin is only 22, boyfriend doesnt work (but goes to school, apparently) and has full custody of his kids. We’re worried that she may be getting over her head with this guy.
We dont want to jump to conclusions, but a 22 year old guy with 3 little kids is unusual. I hope the best for my cousin but dating someone with children has extra complexities. I myself dated a woman (in her thirties) who had a young daughter. Her and I had a short relationship and my wife once asked would I have really been okay getting into a serious relationship with someone with kids. In hindsight, I realized I couldnt- I’d like kids myself, but dating someone with kids is simply too much potential drama.
I share your concerns. While a 22 year old guy does occasionally choose to be a father thrice over, it’s far more commonly a big “oops” situation. The reason for that is what I’d be worried about. Does he refuse to wear condoms? Does he get drunk and screw around? Does he fall so hard and so fast for women that he has sex with them and only a bit later realizes they’re not a good match? How many mothers are we talking about? (Not to be judgey - my two kids have two different fathers, but lots of babymamas tends to mean complicated relationships and drama.)
So yes, you can be concerned. You can gossip to your wife and aunt about your concerns. What you probably shouldn’t do, though, is share your concerns with your cousin. Sorry, but it just doesn’t work, unless you have a very special unusually close relationship with her and she seeks your advice on the matter.
Affairs of the heart are between the people whose hearts are involved. The rest of us are audience and safety net. If/when she falls, you can catch her and dry her tears. Until then, all you can do is watch the show.
And maybe buy a bunch of condoms and leave them lying around with some pamphlets about female birth control options.
First of all, I’d say mind your own damn business. Your cousin will no doubt think the same. Also, just consider that not everyone is the same - and in fact you never know how you’ll feel if you meet the right person, regardless of their personal circumstances.
martiju - who just married and inherited two stepchildren!
Hmm. I don’t know why you’re even concerned. She’s an adult. Maybe she really likes kids. Maybe this guy is a widower and an all-around great guy. Or, maybe he’s an asshole. But again, why do you care?
Maybe they’re triplets and he only made the big “Oops” once. Would that make you feel better?
Also, considering how most guys that age would leave the country rather than be responsible for their kids, I’d say having custody speaks rather well for his character.
I think this fairly describes all relationships, to be honest.
To be all,:dubious:, before you’ve even met this fellow is entirely judgey, to my mind. Back that up a bit and give them a fair shake. If you do, in fact, sincerely care for this young woman, that shouldn’t be too much to ask for.
Leave condoms around? Are you kidding me? What greater birth control incentive, could there possibly be, than caring for three small children and going to school? She’s got to be on the front line of that care, I’m guessing. Seems like the ideal lesson in birth control to me.
I say, give the girl a little credit, and the respect, of at least meeting this man before forming any dubious opinions.
Hahaha. If only it did work that way. No, I predict that the girl in this scenario will be pregnant herself in a few months. While I know correlation isn’t causation, several of my male friends who have dated young single moms (I’m not saying this happens with women who had a teenage pregnancy and are now dating 10 years later) ended up having a pregnancy scare (in one case, I strongly suspect that my one friend got engaged to his current fiancee, who had already had three kids before she met my friend, because they ended up having an accidental pregnancy together after just a few months of dating).
I have come to the conclusion that if someone has a past pattern of birth control non-compliance, they are at high risk to keep repeating their mistake. Though I do realize that some do learn from the first time, there are a certain number of people out there who simply are not capable of thinking through “Wow, I don’t want to have a kid, so I better not have sex without birth control” in the heat of passion.
There is also the chance that the girl may WANT to get pregnant because she feels like having their own child together will bring her and this guy closer together, or because if she’s going to be taking care of all these kids she wants at least one of them to be her own biologically.
When my cousin was 18 (he’s 6 months younger than me) he started dating a woman who is 13 years older and has 5 kids. I’m not sure if all of the kids lived with them full-time. I think only two did.
They got married and she stopped working and the older kids had 3 kids of their own when they were under 20 years old so now he’s 33 and has 5 kids and 3 grandkids. They’ve been married over 10 years now.
I don’t know how or why he does it but he does. My aunt says he gets along just fine with the 3 baby-daddies too.
Either way, leaving condoms around for a 22-year-old woman who has entered willingly into a relationship with a guy who has 3 kids is most likely going to be highly irritating to her. It certainly strikes me as condescending. It’s unlikely that she doesn’t know what birth control is or where to get it.
It’s like leaving “Smoking is bad” pamphlets for a smoker. They know smoking is bad, and your clever intervention isn’t going to have the desired effect. If you really truly need to get involved, talking to a person directly and expressing your concerns is far more respectful.
So… Did the kids look malnourished to you? Did they have wounds oozing with pus, and big black rats dangling from the ends of their dreadlocks?
If not, and the guy takes good care of his children, that really speaks in his favour, painting him as a responsible parent and and presumably a responsible person - as others have pointed out.
It is a piece of advice that I’ve heard many times, but I’ve never been in such a situation: link,link,link,link,link. It seems the prevailing opinion is that a relationship ought to be serious and commitment should be in the cards before introducing children to an SO, as opposed to introducing people one is casually dating. I have a hard time seeing a two month relationship as meeting that threshold.
I’m inclined to agree with the OP’s thoughts: there are caution flags here, but not enough to warrant a conclusion that this guy is no good. There’s a fine line between becoming too involved in a family member’s life and pretending that families have no business looking out for the best interests of their kin. I’d say the OP is on the right track.
Although I agree that it’s best to see what people are like before judging them, I am a bit nervous about the father.
After each ‘ooops’ kid, why didn’t he change his behaviour and use contraception?
In Incubus’s favor, though, he never said he was going to say anything to anyone in his family about this, or give advice to his cousin. In many families this would be a topic of conversation amongst people, but wouldn’t be mentioned to the people actually involved. It sounds like he has just told his wife and us.
I would not want that for my cousin, my sister and I would discuss it, but we would say nothing to our aunt or cousin, and we would put smiles on our faces when we met him.
And, I’m afraid, then discuss it again with each other. My sister and I like to talk.