Seems like lately, a fairly high proportion of the women I’ve met either online or in real life have kids.
I dont’ want to date them- it’s not a rational feeling; something about it just makes me uncomfortable and screams “bad idea”.
What does the collective wisdom of the SDMB think of this? Am I being an idiot, or is this a reasonable way to be?
Depends a bit on your age and maturity… and what you are seeking in these potential relationships.
The older you are the more likely it is you will date women with kids. The more mature the better you can deal with it. Do you want sex or a steady relation ?
I don't blame you for being reluctant thou... I have been involved twice with "mothers" and it can be a problem. If you want details just ask me. The second time around it was just for sex... and so I didn't have as many problems.
My recomendation is be a bit more open minded about it... and don't get emotionally involved with the kids or vice versa.Guess it depends on whether you want kids or not, too. I don’t ever want a family. I dated a man with a 12 year old once (he was much older than me and also very young when his son was born). I really liked his son a lot, but it was hard when we broke up and I moved away. I would not want to go through that again. I knew he liked me and I felt like I hurt his feelings needlessly.
It’s easy to not get attached to the kids, but sometimes it’s easy for them to take too much a liking to you, I think.
I personally wouldn’t want to marry someone with kids unless the kids are in their 20’s and independant. That is because I am not ready to settle down with a family, I would still like to move arround to different parts of the world with my spouce. Such adventure is I believe unhealthy for a child who needs security and stability. I don’t want to date someone with whom there could be no possibility of marrage.
The only right or wrong in this situation is not fooling yourself about whether you’re comfortable with it. If you’re not comfortable, don’t date women with kids. It may be stupid and irrational, or it may be an honest appraisal of what you want. Regardless, don’t get involved with someone when that land mine is sitting out there with you dancing around it. You’re under no obligation to date someone, especially if there’s some hard-to-articulate ick factor involved. Don’t subject yourself, her, and her kids to that.
Having said that, you should probably do a little soul-searching and try to figure out what it is about dating a woman with kids that bothers you. If it’s misconceptions or worries about what the kids mean, that’s something that can be cleared up with some good communication. If it’s that you’ve maturely and sincerely decided that you don’t want children, it’s probably okay to avoid dating women with children. The point is not to let some kneejerk reaction determine the rest of your life. You simply might not know what you’re missing.
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all! It takes a very special man to go into a relationship with ready-made kids: and really, if he doesn’t love those kids like they’re his own, it would be a major disservice to the kids for the relationship to continue. Plus it would suck for you to enter into a relationship with a woman with kids, only to find that the kids don’t like you when you meet them. What then? You and Mom are in love, the kids don’t like you, and if she’s a good Mom she’d hafta break it off. Too much trouble. You’re being smart by avoiding the situation altogether.
From a purely mathematical point of view, the kids are just another failure modality that can wreck things. You need to have A and B instead of just A. Where A and B are “compatible with the woman” and “compatible with the kid(s)” respectively. The combined probabilty of A and B is always lower than that of A alone. I know, this is a pretty cold way to view it but it is true.
On the other hand, from a purely mathematical point of view, you may be narrowing the field considerable if “all you ever meet are women with kids.”
(But I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Kids complicate things).
:rolleyes: Killer chat-up line you’ve got there.
I think it’s perfectly reasonable to not date people with kids, especially if you don’t want kids at all or just aren’t ready for kids right now. Even if you’re compatible in every other way, you wouldn’t be compatible in a really, really major part of her life and that would doom the relationship.
Sometimes I really wish my brother hadn’t been willing to date women with kids. He wound up married to a woman who was a complete and total harpy, but by the time she started to show her true colors he was already in love with the kids. So he stayed through the cheating, and the verbal abuse, and the lies and the manipulation, and the utter ruination of his credit. He put himself through five years of hell because he loved those kids.
CrazyCatLady I thought I was the only girl in the family, but it sounds like we share a brother, except he’s hung in for ten years and in addition to the two of hers he fell in love with there are the two that are “theirs”. It’s a sad, sad situation.
Are but Dr. Zoidberg you are forgetting the reproductability function. A women A with availability quotent p is more likely to be able to bear children a[sub]1[/sub], a[sub]2[/sub], a[sub]3[/sub]… if she has allready born children a’[sub]1[/sub] than if currently childless for a large enough p to accept a date.
Speaking as a single mother, if you’re not comfortable with the situation, don’t even bother getting into it. Its just not worth her, or your time. I wouldn’t feel bad about it though. There’s a lot of lifestyle choices that you have to put aside when you decide to get involved with kids. As a mother, I’ve found that, on the whole, the relationship I have with my son is worth the loss of my freedoms, but I would be stupid to think that everyone would think that way about the boy.
I do have to disagree with SnoopyFan over the “loving the kid like they’re your own” concept. I live with my bf, and my son. It was perfectly clear to all parties from the start that my son has a father and doesn’t need another one. I’m not interested in having my bf love my son like his own…in fact, I’d be weirded out if he did. OTOH, they respect each other and get along well. My son does respect the bf as an authority figure, but not as a father.
Heh around here most girls have their second kid by 18. Whenever I run across a girl that doesn’t have kids I’m always shocked.
Dating a girl with kids you have to judge if they actually have enough time for a relationship or not. If their entire world revolves around their kids and every conversation starts with “you know what _____ did today?” I don’t date them.
I have problems dating girls that are pregnant with someone else’s kid. Too creepy for me.
Well yes, but that assumes you want a[sub]1[/sub], a[sub]2[/sub], etc… Hmmm… a[sub]1[/sub], it’s a better name than Moon Unit at least. I think I’ll use part of your post at the pub next time. “What’s your availability quotient baby?” 
Yeah, I probably should have chosen Farnsworth rather than Zoidberg for my handle.
Speaking as a soon-to-be-single father with full child custody, I have some perspective on the issue from both sides.
First, I agree with what several others have said. You don’t have to date anyone. If the fact that a woman has one or more kids effectively removes her from your dating pool, there’s nothing inherently wrong with that – even if you can’t really explain it. There are a number of perfectly legitimate arguments against dating someone with kids.
That’s not to say that someone with kids is a hopeless prospect. There are some positive aspects to the situation as well.
So it goes both ways. As I see it, the fact that a woman already has kids opens up a whole world of potential complications. Whether or not you’re prepared to deal with these is entirely your call.
I always said I would not date a man that had children, Because I didn’t ever want to deal with the “Other Woman” or the “you’re not my mom” situation.
That being said, I am about to marry a man with two children. I decided that there are worse things in this world than children*, and to stop looking at them like they were a potential relationship buster.
That also being said, If I didn’t think I could handle it, I would not do it, It would be a terrible disservice to the children, and the parent other wise.
*Its not that I do not like children, Kids are great, its just some of the “other woman” issues. And not ever person with children has an ex that is evil.
plus, you know that she “puts out”
Bump, If your gut says you shouldn’t date a woman with a “ready made” family, then you probably shouldn’t. It sounds like you’re just looking for permission to be so shallow as to not date someone because you might have to be more responsible than you’re comfortable with. Nothing wrong with that, just be open with yourself about it.
Wow, how do you two hold paintbrushes that wide without falling over?
Having kids, or wanting to date someone who has them, in no way indicates anything about a person’s maturity level. What it indicates is that the person has kids.
On what did both of you base this sweeping generalization?