How many people do not want to get involved with someone who has a child?
I think I’ve read many on this board say so, but I have been date free for 10 years(almost) and am thinking maybe its the fact that I have a wonderful son.
We go out in public mostly together, so any prospective daters would know ahead of time.
I want you guys opinions; I’m getting a complex thinking its that or I just look really bad.
I’ve dated both kinds of women, those with and those without children (I have two daughters myself), and the ones with children sometimes send off a signal (that I’m sure I send off myself) that “You, mister, aren’t the center of my life, nor will you ever be.” You need to find a way, IMO, to have that truth tactfully repressed, or else you’ll find guys who feel the same way back to you.
When I once tried newspaper ad dating, I had my first date with a woman at a local cafe for lunch. We were getting on well and talking about what to do that evening, when it came out I have a daughter, who lives with her mother.
She already knew I was divorced, but thought somehow that the daughter should also have been mentioned in our initial 2 minute phone call to set up the lunch date. She got up and left, before her last menu item arrived.
That I don’t understand.
Long ago, I dated(briefly) 2 guys (not at the same time) who had small children ad said they were the most important thing in their lives.
I found that a Good thing, not a drawback.
Be very straightforward with your kid. He’s not going anywhere, that much at least should be clear to potential suitors. I’m not personnaly interested in a girl with kid(s), a specific mention of children gets the point across real clear.
Dating a woman with kids wouldn’t be a problem with me but I would have to think long and hard about marrying her. For one, I don’t think I am mature enough to be a father figure and support a family and for another, I just don’t think I would be able to handle having a possibly bratty kid as a permanent fixture of my life. It would just be too much for me to handle.
no comment
I got married 15 years ago at age 30, so my experience isn’t real recent, but FWIW … A woman with children was a total non-starter. Harsh, but that’s now I saw it then. Being odd man out in a dysfunctional triangle with a single-parented (i.e. psychologically scarred) child was not my idea of a good time.
Now in my mid 40s, if my wife cashed in and I was looking again, I’d be OK with a woman my age with grown kids or maybe the youngest being 16-1/2 and almost gone. A woman with any kid younger than that would be still be a non-starter. And a woman with troublesome grown-and-moved-out kids would still be a non-starter.
I imagine that if I really was out looking now I’d discover that women meeting my desired demographics are real rare and I’d have to adjust my standards or remain forever dateless. I can adapt when I need to, but it would be just that, adapting to an undesirable environment. And it’d take me 5 years to make the switch.
I know my post’s not real friendly-sounding, but you wanted opinions. I really do hope you find somebody who’s disposition is more favorable to your situation. I think they’re pretty rare though.
I know there are support groups for widowed parents, which often turn into dating clubs. I imagine the same things exist for divorced or never-married people with kids too. The M-F raatio in those groups would be real skewed against you, but at least you’d be dealing with men who have kids too and understand the whole single parent life.
Good luck (sincerely, not sarcasticly).
When I was dating, I let people know up front that I had a son. I figured as long as it was out there, the guy would either stay or bail. I didn’t want anyone to think I was hiding anything, and I certainly didn’t want to waste my time with someone who was turned off by kids. Most of 'em stuck around, but some never wanted to include my son in our activities. Which is fine, as long as the relationship was clearly defined.
Could you please elaborate on this? Because it sounds like you’re saying kids of single parents are FUBAR from the getgo, in which case my two happy, healthy boys might disagree with you. :dubious:
As to the OP–the vast majority of guys won’t hit on a woman with kids. At least not in my age bracket where there’s plenty of childless singles to go around. I’ve noticed it myself, and it *can * be a little hard on the ego.
I’m 42, never been married & childless, and I gotta admit this really limits my social life, but I don’t have an income that would be adequate to add a wife & child to my life, nor do I feel mature enough to become an instant Dad (I’d be a great uncle but the responisibility of kids freaks me out)- maybe this makes me also too immature to be a Hubby. Maybe if I was more financially stable the feelings of immaturity would be allayed because I basically like kids. In fact, my main concern would be “competing” with a possible real Dad/ex-Hubby for affection & respect (mainly if he would try to interfere with my position in the household).
That said, there are lots of guys I know who have no problem adding children into the mix. How much do you put yourself “out there”, Vanilla? It may be that not enough guys in your circles know you are available?
I am a single mom too and the dating field is slim to none. Part of the problem is of my own making because I spend 99% of my time outside of work with my boys. I think a big solution is to go out and meet lots of people. I have good friends who have married their spouses with little ones in tow so it CAN happen but you will have to really put yourself out there. Good luck to you! I wish I had the self confidence to follow my own advice.
Though I’m a guy, I can definitely relate. I’m divorced, 40 yrs old, and have three young sons who live with me half the time. I’m dating someone now, for the past few months actually, but it was VERY hard to find women who were at all interested once they found out I had young kids living with me. I can imagine that it would be just as hard for single mothers, too. In fact, the woman I’m dating now has a son of her own, so maybe you’d have better odds if you looked toward guys who have a kid (or two or three) of their own: they’re bound to be eager for company.
I am the parent to two wonderful grown kids, one of whom has given me the sweetest grandchild! So I would have to say that since I have raised my kids, I would not be interested in dating a man with younger children. It may be selfish of me, but I want to have fun now! I’ll babysit my grandchild occasionally, but the rest of my time is mine!
After my divorce, I began dating a woman with 3 young daughters. I have no children of my own and entered this relationship with trepidation because I had little experience with children (who I had always termed as “larval humans”). Knowing that this would be a tremendous adjustment to my previous bachelor lifestyle, I did some reading on how to interact with children from a divorce and what to expect. This research helped a great deal to understand the psychological effects that adding another male figure to the fractured family would have on the children. Things went very well and I ended up marrying the woman and becoming a step-father (instant family!). Their mother was very upfront in the beginning that her daughters were central to her life and that I neededto understand how my life would change, so I took it upon myself to do the reading and put the recommendations into practice. I did not try to supplant their father in their eyes, and it has worked very well. They, and I, have adjusted to the new family unit and we have developed a very loving relationship. The youngest still believes that everything her father says or does is wonderful, while anything I do is suspect, but she is moving beyond this slowly. They are now teenagers and doing quite well, although I have come to the conclusion that teenage girls are alien species!
All being said, the person entering into a relationship that involves children must be open-minded, armed with knowledge beforehand, and must be ready and willing to make sacrifices and adjust to new dynamics within the family unit. gone are the days when I could come home from work, flop on the couch, and read the paper undisturbed for the evening!
It seems to me that age has a lot to do with how open people are to dating someone with kids. My best friend had two kids fairly young, and a lot of guys didn’t want to get involved with a divorced mother of two in her early 20s. I had my son at 30, and it’s never seemed to faze guys at all.
Now I’m engaged to a man with two kids of his own, and the only weird thing is that because his are much older than mine, he’s in a teenage-parenting mindset, and I’m in a toddler-parenting mindset. Just another adjustment, though…
Thanks for your opinions!
FriarTed, I am 45, and a widow, so there is no ex husband or any relatives to deal with( I dont want anything to do with his family for reasons I will not go into, if I did, you would agree).
As for getting out, we go out lots, church stuff, libraries, stores, poltical gatherings.
I will only accept a Christian guy so that limits us though there are not many christian single guys my age.
At 38, I don’t have much of a choice except to date women with children. There are very few women in my age range that don’t have kids. Not considering the company of women with children just isn’t an option anymore.
I’m meeting women in their late 30s that have teenagers, which throws me off a bit because high school is still very fresh in my memory. Usually not a problem, though, as long as they’ll accept me as their stepfather.
Where does it become an issue? I understand that a woman’s kids come first before any suitor, but if she can’t spare any time for you, then what’s the point? The “no time to spare” issue is an epidemic among women who have very active kids between 8 and 12 years old; there’s soccer practice, music classes, school activities, and everything else, and the child isn’t old enough to spend a night at home unsupervised, so there’s problems getting babysitters.
It’s also an issue when a woman has a belligerent or special needs child, because dating just becomes too much work, sorry to say. The idea of a woman in her 30s with grandchildren seem a bit … well, Appalachian, and I steer clear of that situation too.
Wanting a child of “my own seed” really isn’t an issue anymore. There’s a history of mental illness in my biological family, and I really don’t want to pass the trait down to a child. I also fear what would happen if I breed with another smart, somewhat quirky soul; increasingly, the result seems to be a child with Asperger’s Disorder.
Really, the most prominent thought running through my head is “If this relationship works out, and we get married, will the children bond with me?” Will I always be the odd one out, or can we function as a real family?" If the answer is “no,” then there’s no hope for the relationship.
Check in your area for “grief support groups” - there are actually groups meant for widowers and widows to get together and stuff - social events, dinners, etc… It may be a good place for you to meet people who have also been there, and who know what it’s like. Many of those groups are linked to religious organisations, so it may be more up your alley.
Worth a shot.
Hey, thanks.
I will do, though there was definitely no greif about it.
There is a chapter of parents without partners around here, I believe.
Should be a good idea.