I figured I would take my question here to the relative anonymity of the internet.
Now, I have confidence that if I went down to the Remand Centre and hung out in a miniskirt and heels I could probably convince some recently released chap to move in with me without too much effort, so that’s not really what I’m talking about.
I’m talking about men of the never-incarcerated type who have jobs and own homes and are somewhat normal.
Assuming you are, or were at one point, a man of that description, did you ever date single moms? Assuming yes, were there (or are there) any red flags a single girl would want to avoid?
I guess at the moment I’m sort of framing my life as though I’m going to be single for the next 16 years and then I’m a bit taken aback at the thought that someone might actually want a date. Logically I know that single parents do date, I’m just not sure how it happens - its a bit like knowing that someone wins the lottery every time doesn’t make it easy to imagine.
Now, just because this is starting to sound a bit maudlin, I haven’t actually tried to date anyone, and don’t particularly have anyone in mind although there is one cute fellow at work, so it’s not like I have evidence that I will never date again - its more like a vague feeling.
So, assuming I’m wrong, what should I expect? Do I have to start asking guys out now? I never have before just because I never had to - my social calendar was full with fellows doing the asking (I used to be sort of cute - now I mostly look tired). I’m assuming I’ll keep my kid to myself for months before any intros happen which means dateing would be limited to every second weekend and Wednesday nights - is that reasonable?
Sigh. I used to be so good at dating (well, at least I knew what I was supposed to do) - now I have no idea.
No, not completely undateable IMHO, but it does make things more difficult. Some men will be completely turned off by your single momness, but not all or even most. It does depend on how old you are and, to a lesser extent, the age of your child (or children). If you are a single mom in your twenties, you are more undateable than a single mom in your thirties. If you have very young single children, this too will make you more undateable. But I, personally, would have no problem dating a single mom.
One big red flag: do not try to work the men you are dating into your family until things are very stable between you and he. No guy is looking for a ready made family when dating. Many men are happy to take on whatever relationships are necessary if the chemistry is right, but nothing kills the buzz faster than a parent trying to introduce their dates to the children in the first 10 (or even 20) dates. That can come later…
I’m too old now (nearly 60) to date single mothers who have minor children, I’ve gone out with women my age who are mothers but I think it’s a very different dynamic when the children are fully grown adults who’ve graduated from college.
I will say that 20 years ago when I was in the age group in which most women my age who were single had a high likelihood of having children, it was basically a deal breaker for me. I would date younger women (so women more in their mid-20s when I was in my mid-30s) and I’d just be a lot more selective than I was when I was myself in my 20s (just assuming none of the women I’d be asking out were mothers.) In my 30s and early 40s I always made sure to find out if a woman had kids at home before making any attempt at a serious relationship.
So I probably don’t have any real information or advice you’d want, at your age I’d basically be in that category of guys who just wouldn’t date single mothers. But I did know a lot of guys back then, friends of mine with good jobs who were normal responsible men and who were handsome enough, who dated and even married single moms. It’s not impossible or anything. The biggest thing that would mess those relationships up, when the man was serious about dating a single mom, is when issues with the child’s biological father became a constant intrusion in the relationship. If you’re a widow or on good terms with the biological father, and he’s not going to be slashing tires or trying to beat people up for dating the mother of his children that’s definitely a big positive.
If you have a good job and stable income that’s another positive. A fear a lot of men (myself included) at that age have is single moms are desperate to find someone to basically sponge off of to help with the bills.
So, age 40 (well in 4 months), used to be hot - now somewhat tired looking but not horribly tragic or anything, height and weight are normally proportioned, fully self sufficient financially, good relationship with ex who is too mellow to slash tires or even raise his voice. Junior is 2. I feel that he is not really a factor in this as I have no plans to introduce him to anyone I wasn’t planning on marrying, and THAT isnt going to happen again any time soon.
I don’t have much input into the single mum dating idea, but if this means your marriage is over, you have my deepest condolences. I’m terribly sorry to hear that.
Well thanks. In retrospect it (my marriage) probably wasnt a very well thought out decision, but I do have my son now and he is a peach so it’s all good. I’m not nearly as upset as I think I should be which makes me think it’s the right decision.
If they were reasonably nice kids, it wouldn’t make any difference to me. If they were brats, or special needs kids, it might, but probably not if I was really into you. You might be surprised how many guys would be happy to have a convenient way to show how much they love you.
As far as how soon to get a date and your kids together, I have no clue. But certainly you should make it clear right away that you have them.
I’m 41. My last five relationships involved women ranging from 27 to 43. Of these two were mothers (each with two sons, now that I think of it). Three had no kids. the kids in question ranged from 2 to 13. So diapers to nearly driving.
It doesn’t make you undateable. But I will always think at least a bit longer when I hear about kids. They do complicate everything. And there is a certain knowledge as a man, that I will always come second in your life. Some women are worth that… some aren’t.
Sure, absolutely. But it’s sadly true many, if not most, people will not date single parents. I know, I’m a single parent. It’s the most common deal breaker.
I think there is an inverse relationship between age and single-motherhood being an obstacle to dating. The younger you are as a single mother, the more of an obstacle that that single motherhood will present towards successfully dating; this obstacle follows a regular path of decline as age increases.
So me being an old bag will actually HELP with the dating situation? Or as Junior gets older? Or both? I’m old and he’s young so maybe I’m splitting the difference here?
Wow, that’s been completely different from my experience of 12 years of dating as a single mom with a kid aged 0-12. My single mom friends of 1-2 kids all do fine getting dates too. Of course, if someone has a bunch of kids, that could be different.
It also depends how tied down you are. When I was going through the clubbing/partying phase (early 20s, I had my daughter young), my daughter’s father was taking her every Saturday night and all day Sunday, so I still had plenty of time to do stuff.
I’ve never met any man that, to my knowledge, ruled me out just because I have a kid. I’ve known exactly one who, a few years before we ever got involved used to say he wouldn’t date a woman with kids, and then later we dated.
But like you said, Junior is young (only 2, did you say?) and you are knocking on the door of 40 (“old bag”-please, lol) so it’s a bit of both worlds here. But I think the ages of the ones doing the dating is more significant.
This has been my experience. I have been told that “If you didn’t have a child, I would love to date you”.
On one hand, its great to hear it in that you know that type of person is not the one for you. But on the other, it hurts to hear just the same. My daughter is super awesome so they can piss off!
The problems I have had are this:
If A guy my age is single (a in never married, no children) then he will more than likely want a woman to have his biological children. As a 40 year old, this is not going to happen for me. If he has never been married, he will more than likely not understand how consuming parenthood is. They can’t understand, really, why you can’t just come on over tonight.
If he is divorced, then you have all his baggage to deal with. It’s not generally a deal breaker for me because i understand, but in some cases it is. They have visitation with kids that doesn’t match up with yours. They have issues with their ex, etc etc.
If you become a single mom, depending on your ex, you might have little to no free time to actually date or even meet anyone.
The one thing is for certain, it will be a hard road ahead. You need time to heal before you can consider a serious relationship. You need to be careful about guys that really don’t care about you at all.
I was divorced when my daughter was about 2.5. If you ever need to vent, drop me a line.
I’m really glad my father dated a single mom. Otherwise, I’d have never been born.
So yes, OP, there are men like that out there. More than you might think. It’s just FINDING them that’s the difficult part. They’re hiding, lying in wait. Preparing for the inevitable zombie single-mom apocalypse.
I am in my 40’s and have dated plenty of women with kids. At my age, my options would be very limited if I didn’t. I have only gotten to the stage of meeting the kid with two women that I have dated.
I don’t have kids myself but generally you will probably have more action from men who also have kids, especially if theirs are around the same age. A two year old will put you in a more difficult position than having a teen IMO but you will by no means be dateless if you don’t want to be.
