American single mom, stay away from me!

The BBQ Pit
1

Okay lady, I’m SORRY that you’re a single mother and must “be there for” your kids, okay? I’m SORRY that your kids mean that you “sometimes” can’t be with me. I’m SORRY if my splitting with you because of this makes me seem selfish. I’m SORRY I don’t feel like competing with your shildren for your attention. I’m really, really SORRY that you think after not seeing me for a week and your kids EVERY DAY, you think that it’s okay to ditch me after four hours because your teenaged daughter couldn’t remember to cook dinner for herself. I’m SORRY that after meeting your kids exactly once, I wasn’t properly enthused about spending all day with both them and you, and that you didn’t understand why I didn’t want to entertain your kids on my free time and probably at my own expense.

I’m just tired of competing with their kids for the attention of single moms. I swear before God that I will never knowlingly ask out or get into a relationship of any depth with another one ever again. If they show interest in me, fine. But I finally understand why my friends used to call kids “man repellant.” Who needs this shit?

[sub]And I was raised by a single mother. Ain’t that ironic? I finally understand why she never had a life. Not that all that attention lavished on me was worth a damn thing once I grew up.[/sub]

2

I guess you have the answer. You simply are not designed to date single moms. And before anyone chips in, which they will, it may as well be said that there’s no reason why you should have to. Just go for gals without kids. Is that too simple? They’ll give you the time you need, and the single moms will appreciate being able to more easily find men who’ll make good dads.

That’s what you’ve just had a deep-end taste of. Being a dad. Takes sacrifice to deal with that before you’ve had a honeymoon period. Just remember what you’ve learned, though.

3

To preface my comments, I need to say that I had a ten year relationship with a woman with five kids. Then my wife (who obviously I married) had one. I truly love Josh, Jeremy, Ronnie Beth, Amber, Ben, and my step-daughter Alex.

Having said all of that, I feel your pain. Your single mom did not make things as smooth as they could have been. She has to realize, that until you get to know the children, you are dating her and not the kids. She can’t expect you to take them “all” out. SHe also needs to make a deal with the kids that “Moomy needs some time alone with her friends.”

As for spending time with the children, there are reasonable ways to make it happen. “I’m taking Suzy to her soccer match tommorow afternoon, would you care to join us?” or “Me and the kids are going to the movie tommorow…”
Most men would go (if their schedule allows) because they get some bonus time with the mom. It allows the man to get to know the kids. If he likes them it even can lead to him taking the kids out almost as much as their mom. He could even babysit while mom goes out to get lighting fixtures and door knockers at Home Depot.:smiley: (Veiled reference to Home Depot thread)

It happened to me. Twice.

4

I for one would like to say I applaud your decision, even if some people think it makes you a callous, selfish, (you get the idea) SOB. I tend to pick not only dates but also friends based on whether or not they have children. When it comes to kids, some of us don’t like them until we get to know them, and sometimes not even then. I don’t want someone’s little brat to stand in the way of my good time; therefore, I don’t try to have good times with people who have what may or may not be little brats. Simple. To me, that attitude isn’t selfish, it’s self-preservation. Why should I let a factor I can control make my life less pleasant?

–Miss Davis, who has (obviously) no kids of her own

5

as do former single moms and single moms everywhere.

Between my two marriages, I dated several men, and the ones I stayed with (or who stayed with me) are the ones who liked children, and/or did not feel the need to compete with my children for my attention.

The problem is, you are not going to get their (single moms’) exclusive attention very often, because their first responsibility is their kids.

And, as Ross said, you got a taste of what being a dad is like, so that you may use that for future reference. If more guys considered this, there would probably be lots fewer kids growing up without fathers in the home.

You are honest about this in this thread, and it might work well for you to be honest about that when beginning a dating relationship. Good luck to you, Lizard.

6

OTOH, props to her, whoever she is, for insisting that her kids have to come first. I know too many single moms who, when asked to choose between their kids and their new heartthrob, pick the heartthrob every time, leaving the kids sucking hind tit.

The time she has with her kids is limited. All too soon, they’ll be grown and gone, and she’ll have plenty of time to get laid.

Years.

7

Yeah, sometimes things don’t work. A single mother has to pay attention to her kids first and boyfriend second. If that doesn’t suit the boyfriend then it’s just not going to happen.

So walking away is the right thing to do. The wrong thing would be trying to force a romance in a situation where the stresses would just be piling up. Bad bad bad.

So well done.

8

Bravo. I too was a single mom. I let the men that I dated know up front that while I didn’t expect them to entertain my child or support my child, to me my child did come first. I then let the man make the decision on whether or not he wanted to pursue the relationship any further. I recently remarried, a man with an 11-year-old daughter who lives with us. So basically I’m starting over in the kid department. But I knew the deal before I started dating him and I accepted the circumstances.
It’s your life and you have the freedom to pick and choose.

9

A-fuckin-men. If more of us single mothers put the kids first, then there wouldnt be so many messed up kids out there. I have seen my share of women who do their thinking from between their legs, they were sadly lacking in the mom dept.

10

I once dated a woman with 3 kids. She seemed way more interested in me than her kids.
It was creepy. I was really put off by it.

11

When I met my husband I was a single mother of two. He had a daughter, and now together we have five.
It was touchy for us at first. My kids come first. Like DDG said time is short.
I did make alone time for myself and explained to the kids that sometimes mommies need time to be with people their own age so they can have adult conversations.
We also had time when it was he and I and the two kids. That let the kids know he wasn’t trying to take me away from them.

Now my sister is a whole different story.
She is a single mother who prefers being with her boyfriend over her children.
My oldest niece is repeating kindergarten because of maturity levels, and my youngest niece doesn’t talk. At least not to where anybody can understand a word she says.
My sister has no problem leaving the kids with someone so she can go off for a few days and spend time with her boyfriend at that time…
My moms girlfriend is the one who sits down with the oldest and does her homework with her. My sister is either never around, around and wrapped up with BF, or just having no patience.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my sister and her kids, but she isn’t a mom.

Now, which picture do you prefer?

Lizard it is hard to find that balance of mom and girlfriend/wife.
Good luck, and I am glad that you found this out before making permenant choices.

12

Man, I love single moms. They drive me wild. As soon as I see a woman with a child I check for a wedding ring, man alive.

I think you just don’t like kids. Competing for attention? What do you do, throw a temper tantrum in the corner? Refuse to eat your beans?

I wouldn’t either. What did you say, “I like you, but keep your kids away from me!” Yeah, I can see why she’d want to date that person.

I would think it is pretty obvious that if one dates a woman with a child that the person should have a vested interest in the child, as well; why else would you date a mom?

Unless the “just sex” thing was understood at the beginning.

13

Hey, I think I dated you. As a single mom, or married mom, my child always came and comes first. However, there is a way to have a healthy balance.

When I go out I have cell phone for emergencies. Rarely do I get called, but it’s there. I make sure that my son has a great sitter with him. I’m very up front with any man I go out with. No lies or games. I have a son with a disability, wanna run away? okay, feel free.

My son goes to bed fairly early like most kids which therefore leaves me the evening to curl up and watch a movie, or whatever we want to do at home.

The man I go out with now is awesome with my son. It took a bit for him to get used to the fact that when my son needs me, he gets me. But, I also have time for him as well or what would be the point of building the relationship.

Don’t rule out single mom’s. That old tale that we are all looking to be taken care of is utter bullshit. Yep, kids come first, but there is always room for someone special in our lives.

14

From the other side of the coin, I am a divorced dad of two who has joint custody. I have had more than my fair share of women just walk away when I told them I have kids and that they are my number one priority. I’d love to find a nice woman, mom or otherwise who understands my situation. Unfortunately they are pretty rare here in Chicago.

erislover, I look for the ring too! I took the kids camping this week and I sat next to a woman and her two girls in the Burger King- no ring and man was she hot! Too bad I was 2 hours from home and all nasty from living in a tent :wink:

15

I understand your pain. I once dated a woman that seemed very nice (and she was a hottie) but WOULD NOT EVER GO OUT WITH ME WITHOUT TAKING HER 3 year old! It was very frustrating and I couldn’t get emotionally close to her because we were never alone. I then met someone else and she was history…and hurt (but to me it was her own fault). It was like she was always shoving the kid in my face saying see…see…see…I have a kid…your dating me knowing I have a kid so you can’t be disappointed…see…see my kid…see…see…here he is. I had the feeling she had been burned before with guys leaving her when the found out she was a mom so she was going to make sure that never happened again and instead drove me away. Either that or she was looking for an instant dad and $$ support since I always had to pay.

However, I don’t understand most of your gripe. Yes, it’s frustrating to meet someone you’d like to get close to but can’t, however, she was dating you. You write like you can’t keep dating her and date others also. Did you have an exclusive relationship, and if so, why? Why have an exclusive relationship with someone you see only 4 hours a week?

Date single mothers but date others also. That way you can be cool with spending less time with her, enjoy it and keep looking and dating others trying to find someone compatable. Given time, you both might find out you really are compatable, it just takes time. It also gives the single mom the opportunity to find ways to give you her attention in order to get closer to you. I’m sure it takes practice and time, like most everything. On the other hand, you might meet someone more suitable for your needs.

Now, think about this. Say you meet a single mom and the kid she has is great. Friendly, emotionally solid, curious, and nice to be around. Wouldn’t you want to have her be the mother of your children if you were looking for that. Now, say her kid is demon-like, would you like to have children by her? Think of it as a seeing how good a mother she is :wink:

Blink

16

Oh, this worked for me…

If the single mom insisted she meet/spend time and $$ on her kids, tell her you’re uncomfortable with that. Tell her that you tend to get attached emotionally to children and don’t like to break that bond if things don’t work out between you and mom. Also that it is hard for kids to take emotionally to have people yanked in and out of their life.

She would see this as good advice and would be a ‘bad’ person to insist you meet. Tell her you’d love to meet her kids once things get very serious. If she is unable to spend time with you then things can’t be too serious and so she needs to make an effort if she wants to bring you into her kids lives.

Blink

17

Another single mom checking in.

First of all, any guy who acted as if he needed to compete with my kids, acted put out when I am called to mom-duty, or could never be bothered with their presence, would be history within a very short time. Selfishness and childishness aren’t traits that I look for in men that I date.

Secondly, I learned long ago how to juggle my single woman life with my single mom life. I have taught my kids that mom needs time alone with her friends too. That my word is good when I tell someone that I will go to dinner or the movies. They also know that they can count on me to be there for them as well, no matter what comes up. It’s called responsibility and not being flaky by breaking promises, a good trait for kids to learn.

However, the men I date better understand that if I get a call that my 10 year old is puking or that my daughter is stranded because her car broke down, they take priority. They can either roll with it and reschedule our date, postpone it an hour, or help me washed barfy sheets or tow a car home, or they can get pissed off and never date me again. I don’t expect them to do anything, but what they do and how they react will more than likely make up my mind as to whether or not we will ever date again. No, I don’t expect anyone to pay for my kids - I can afford them just fine, thankyouverymuch - but if you really like me and want to impress me, invite my kids once in a while. I don’t expect you to, but you will earn major brownie points if you do.

Also, acknowledge them. Say hello. Answer them when they talk to you. You’re not their dad and I am certainly not shopping for one, but they are still my children, treat them as human beings.

Lastly, any man I date better understand that I am a mom. I will spend a lot of time alone with him, especially since my kids are older (10 and 17, the 19 year old lives on his own) and do a lot of things on their own (it’s rather sad :frowning: but you know how important friends are at that age). He also needs to accept that I will be sitting on the sidelines of every baseball, football, soccer, and basketball practice and game that my son plays. He also needs to accept that me and my daughter have our girls day out (shopping, lunch) and no boys allowed. He needs to realize that I won’t run the kids out of the house or hide them in closets every time he comes over. If we decide to be bums and just hang out at my house watching videos and drinking beer, he can expect that a kid or two as well as a half dozen of their friends may be running in and out.

If I invite him to go boating, hiking, or camping, an amusement park, or maybe to a matinee, there is a possibility that my kids will be there also. Of course, I will tell him before the fact. He must also understand that he doesn’t sleep over if my kids are home (the exception is someone I have dated exclusively and seriously for a long period of time, but then it will be rarely).

He can also expect that I will make time for him. That the kids don’t always have to be home. They sleep over at friend’s houses or go to their grandma’s or dad’s house some weekends. That we can have the house to ourselves to soak in the hot tub and BBQ steak. That he can sleep over and have loud, hot monkey sex without anyone hearing. We can go out alone without him feeling like a member of a makeshift family. Camping, amusement parks, and movies don’t always include kids. It takes two people spending time alone together in order to build a relationship. I know that and I have taught my kids to respect that as well.

One last thing, I love single fathers. They seem to have a better understanding of the things written above. They also have my great respect because I know from first hand knowledge just how hard it is raising kids. They seem a little bit “tougher” having been through it. :smiley:

18

Former Single Dad checking in.

Before I remarried, I had joint custody of my kids, when it wasn’t my turn with them I had a regular call schedule. I knew I’d marry my wife when on a date she reminded me it was time to call my sons. I’d always call them on Friday before their bedtime. She’s a great stepmom and we have custody now.

Anyhow, it takes balance and honesty. I was upfront about my kids, and their place in my life.

MikeGI’m sure my wife isn’t the only wonderful woman like this, so keep on trying.

19

I know of a real nice single lady in Chicago. Her name is Mary. :stuck_out_tongue:

Heck, I like a man better when he is all nasty from living in a tent. Next time, talk to her!

20

I wanted to post this when I first read the thread, but I didn’t have the time.

I have an incredible amount of respect for anyone who can manage by themselves to keep their kids alive and well and still keep their sanity. I consider myself a pretty involved father, so I am used to the unpleasantries of children. However, when my wife goes away for 4-7 days, I am frazzled by the time she gets back. This includes having her mother watch the kids (for free) while I am at work. Even when the kids are at their very best and most fun, watching them all the time takes quite an emotional toll.

Mrs. Babe’s father took off (“went walking” as her mother puts it) when she was 6 and her sister was 10 or 11. He just left a “Dear Jane” letter and disappeared. He called a few years later to ask Mrs. Babe’s uncle for bail money from writing bad checks. Hands up, who thinks he got it?

He left Mrs. Babe’s Mom pretty much destitute. They got to pick out their favorite toy and and had to sell the rest. One step away from being on welfare. Her mom could have moved in with her grandfather, but when she overheard him say “She’ll never make it on her own,” she knew that wouldn’t happen. She never once complains about it, nor does she speak ill of her ex. She even gets a little upset (while laughing) when Mrs. Babe refers to him as “a mere sperm donor.”

Through it all, she managed work her ass off to raise two great children, only to retire and get ovarian cancer. Fuck that. The treatment is working well though.

Any way, I assume that it was not as hard on most of the single Doper Moms, (that doesn’t really sound right, but you know what I mean) but my hat is off to you who can bring home the bacon and raise what I assume are good, well adjusted children.

Kudos.

ps. That was actually pretty cathartic to write that.