Yesterday I went on a date with a very sweet woman. We went out for lunch, and I really felt chemistry about the meeting. I’m hoping we go out again soon
Anyway, this particular woman happens to have a daughter. I was just wondering if there was any particular words of wisdom about the situation that would help me in this matter (or help me not to screw it up). I personally like kids, and dating a woman with child is not a turn-off for me, but at the same time I’m still pretty new to the whole thing.
As the child of a divorced mom (I’m childless by choice myself) the only advice I can give is to take it slow with the child, if things develop to the point where you’re spending time with her. A lot will depend on the age of the child.
Do not take it upon yourself to discipline the child, or to critize the mother’s discipline in the child’s hearing. My mother told more than one potential suitor to hit the road for trying to take a “daddy” stance. One guy was blustering “if that was my daughter I’d…” when Mom interruped, very sweetly, “well, it’s a damned good thing she’s not your daughter, isn’t it?”
Depending on were the father is in the picture, you will need to be aware that if it gets serious you will be in the role of, at least, “Uncle Incubus”. the gender and age of the child are important. Boys get along better with men and the younger the easier to get to know them.
Remember that a single mom is very busy and something as simple as time to relax is very precious. Meals, school, doctor appointments tend to take up all the free time.
Lastly, be honest, how serious do do want to get? Are you prepared to be married to a ready-made family?
I was (am) both the only child of divorced parents and was a single, dating mother myself. I’ll echo and enhance the GO SLOWLY WITH THE KID advice.
When I first started dating, with a kid who was 2.5, I had myself convinced that I wasn’t looking for a Babydaddy, and that my kid wouldn’t really see any difference between my dating partners and my friends and wouldn’t be harmed by having good folks come in and out of his life. (And at that age, maybe he wasn’t.) But as he got a little older and a little more attached to the men I dated, it became harder and harder to deal with.
Finally, I suffered what I call “The Jerry Maguire Syndrome”. I met a great guy who loved my kid (not in a creepy way), and liked me a whole lot, but didn’t really love me. We tried to make it work for two years, but it was dreadful in the end.
With my next boyfriend, I was much more cautious. My son was 6 or so at this point. We dated for two months or so before I introduced him to my son. It was a quick introduction on our way out somewhere. He didn’t hang out with the kid until we’d been together about four months. Then he saw him maybe twice a month. Once we’d been together for six months, the three of us hung out more, and after a year and a half, we got married and moved in together.
Go slow, for your sake (don’t get too attached to a kid who you may never be allowed to see again.), for the kid’s sake (don’t let him get attached to a new “daddy” who may go away again) and for her sake (love her for her, not for her kid).
I’ve dated maybe four single moms, and have probably a further half dozen as single friends in the dating world, so here’s some of what I’ve learned:
Forget about any relationship you may establish with the kid through your own initiative. She will define it and its boundaries, completely, and you can pretty much take it or leave it. Each mom is different. Some moms I’ve known would take care of everything and I’d never have known they were mommies at all if it hadn’t been mentioned in a perfunctory “let’s get this out of the way” fashion. Other mommies can’t shut up about their kid(s) and bore you to tears with it. Some will eventually mention how much babysitters cost (hint, hint), some would rather die before making it your problem. Some will introduce you immediately, some never will. I recommend figuring out what she wants from you, and you might be surprised. I’ve had some very sexy mommies who wanted a boyfriend and nothing more, they never developed an intention of me meeting the kid, and I had no problem with that. On the flipside, if you think she wants a replacement daddy…run. Don’t even think about it. Who you are is completely irrelevant to that particular pathology, in my opinion.
Mommies have to get extra slack. They get up at the break of dawn to get the kid to school, stay up late to do homework, & etc., all in addition to what normal single people do. You’ll be (at best) a second priority and even a great girl will let you know it from time to time. Ego bruising will happen, and things that would get a single girl dumped on the spot have to be excused for a single mom if you want it to work.
With #2 in mind, the kid is never your problem (except in dire emergencies, obviously). If I pick up from daycare, or take him to t-ball practice, or whatever…that’s a favor I did for her, and I want to be rewarded same as if I ran any other errand or did any other pain in the ass task that was her responsibility. We accept backrubs at all our locations and are not shy about requesting payment.
Don’t get into the kid. Don’t go buy a carseat on your third week of dating her. Don’t try to form an emotional bond beyond what the mommy is comfortable with and encouraging of. Especially don’t try to win points with the mommy by trying to get the kid to like you. Most mommies I know had horror stories about guys that were way too enthusiastic about her son/daughter (like the carseat thing). A mommy’s skeev alert is set to a way higher standard than normal, and an action that might normally have just a slight odor of loser can come off as the reeking stench of a serious creep. I suggest you ask permission before you buy so much as a birthday present, as mommies do not like surprises where single men and their kids are concerned, at all. Ever.
You might be the first guy she’s dated as a mommy. She may be a little uncertain about some things, and you might have to do a little more work in getting her to relax, be confident in her attractiveness, etc.
That’s what I got, hope it helps. In all, I don’t go out of my way to meet them, but I’ve dated at least one that I was mad about.
Remember that on date night you’ll have to pay for the cost of the babysitter and most babysitters don’t take credit cards. That rather obvious point hadn’t occurred to me until my first date with the mother of a 5 year old. So always bring enough cash to pay for the sitter.
I also second the point about disciplining the child is wholly the mother’s responsibility while you’re dating. I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut when mother’s normally verywell behaved child went on a screaming jag once.
Really, zamboniracer? I’m not a single mom, but I wouldn’t consider charging my date for a babysitter any more than I would consider charging him for the shoes I bought for the date. My kid, my responsibility, at least at that point.
The going slow with the kid thing is excellent advice. In reality you two should be dating a while before you get involved with the kid.
Remember, the kid comes first, be wary of the mother if she shits on the kid for your sake. She’s not a good mom and won’t be a good girlfriend/wife whatever.
Don’t offer the woman parenting advice. She’s the girl’s parent, not you.
Be understanding that the woman will not be able to devote as much time to you as much as a non-parent would.
When and if the relationship gets more serious and mom says you can hang with the girl, don’t be pushy about her accepting you or liking you. Don’t try to buy her friendship with gifts. Just be nice and don’t try to be instant daddy.
And, if things do get serious with this woman, I can’t urge you enough to discuss these things with her.
Chao- (former step parent to two teenagers for 6 years and dated a single mother of one for 3 years)
Wow cher3, you buy new shoes just to impress a date! As a guy who’s oblivious to women’s feet that concept just amazes me.
Seriously, I didn’t mind paying the sitter at all. I just hadn’t foreseen it but I didn’t want her to have to expend any cash on the first date. I would’ve drawn the line at buying her new shoes though.
Wow, thank you for all the feedback, I really appreciate it. I’m kind of surprised that the guys that are trying to make a nice impression on the kid can backfire; before I asked I had always thought that seemed like something a qualify a mom would want to see in a guy- guess I was wrong. Glad I found out about it before I inadvertantly came off as creepy! :eek:
I guess all I can do is be as laid back and patient as I can. Which isn’t too bad. In these kinds of matters, sometimes trying too hard is just as bad, if not worse, than not trying hard enough.
But why would you want a relationship with someone who is creeped out about a tiny gift? I’d run from them anyway since if their creepometer is set off by something like that, who knows what they’d try to twist the situation into if things got ugly.
Speaking as a single mom who’s recently started getting back into dating:
Spontaneity is pretty much out, unless the mom has a fair size network of family/friends who can take the kid at short notice. It takes time to schedule a sitter and to coordinate everything else that goes along with hiring a sitter, especially for a baby.
Have a plan for the date. It’s tiring being a single parent and having to think of everything all the time. When I go out with my kids I have to plan all the details and prepare for contigencies. When I go out to have fun, all I want to do is have fun - even if I suggest a location or event I just want all the details to be taken care of so all I have to do is be there.
If she works during typical business hours (9-5) don’t be cute and call first thing in the morning (7 - 9 am) to say hello. She’s most likely rushing around trying to get the kid and herself ready for the day and stopping to have even a short conversation is kinda irksome and can throw things off track. (At least I know it irritates the fuck out of me.) Ask when is a good time to call in the evenings - is it better to call after 8 or 9 once the kid has gone to bed? Are early evenings better because the kid isn’t asleep and there isn’t any concern over waking him up or is she busy feeding the kid dinner? Or is she okay with you calling at anytime?
For the love of all that is holy, if the kid’s father and mother are trying to maintain at least a civil relationship don’t be a jackass and act all jealous and insecure if she mentions his name sometimes. If he comes over to her place to spend time with his kid instead of taking the kid out somewhere so-the-fuck-what. Doesn’t mean she’s banging him. This has been a major problem for at least one guy I’ve had a relationship with - and given that until I get married, no one is going to tell me who I can’t and can have as a guest in my own home, especially one who is vitally important to the well-being of my child, you can guess who got told to leave.
But most of all - I’d say it’s more important in this dating situation to lay on the compliments and the romantic/slightly chauvanistic things. After awhile of just working and being “Mom” you kinda lose yourself a little bit and it’s nice to see that someone else sees you as a woman first.
grayhairedmomma , thank you for the down-to-earth advice.
She left a voicemail on my phone earlier today, saying she’d love it if I could come to her nephew’s birthday party this Saturday- she seems interested in introducing me to her family. I’m interested in seeing how it goes. From an email she sent she also seemed very pleased with the way I conducted myself when we met so here’s hoping it works out well!
I very recently broke up with a single mother of two, because she was a single mother of two and had different needs and a different five-year plan than I. It was getting too serious to ignore our differences.
You may like kids, but are you ready to be a dad? If not, that’s OK, but be aware from the get-go that she’s probably looking for one eventually.
Dating my last GF really opened my eyes to the way your life changes when you have kids. I felt awful dumping her, because she and I are both still quite fond of each other, and I hate to think that a gorgeous and intelligent woman like her gets the boot because of a couple of mistakes she made very early in life–but at the same time I realized that I wasn’t in the right time or place to save her. Our lives were just too different.
Be aware that this hot thing’s daughter may want a father really, really, really bad. You have to consider on the way in that you’ll break two hearts if you break one. That’s not something to be taken lightly. On the other hand, if you start the relationship, don’t stay in it because you don’t want to let her daughter down–that’ll only make everyone more miserable in the long run.
Basically, don’t jump into it too quick, because every decision you make about this relationship carries at least twice as much weight as the ones you made in other relationships before her. And relationships with kids involved tend to get serious much quicker than other relationships. I don’t know the girl, but if you’re the type to take it slow and you see any hint of instability in her life, be extra-cautious or don’t do it at all. My last GF was filthy rich (relative to me, anyway) but had other problems in her life situation that meant that she needed to find stability in her partner. I personally wasn’t ready for that, as a damn near penniless college sophomore of 19.
Think about the ramifications before you do what you do, is what I’m sayin’.
grayhairedmomma, are you me in an alternate universe?
I completely agree with all the advice given here.
However, and it may just be me, but if I’d only gone out on one date with someone, I would be wary of them wanting me to meet their family on the second date. If that’s your style, that’s cool and all. But I’d run like hell.
