Like elmwood, at age 38 I understand that many women near my age are going to have children, and it’s not an issue for me, any more than whether or not she’s a virgin is an issue.
That sounded kinda funny, didn’t it? Can’t think of another way to phrase it though.
Certainly not necessarily FUBAR, but divorce (or other loss of a parent) is traumatic, and some kids don’t react well. I did date one woman who had such a child and it was * complicated *. The kid did a lot of acting up, played the parents against one another, and gave his Mom a lot of heartache. So I ended up consoling the Mom a lot and had to put up with the kid when he was wild, even though I didn’t have any ability to discipline him or do anything but try to reason with him and try to be a good role model.
No, not all (or maybe even most) kids of single parents are screwed up. But some are.
My friends wife recently tried to set me up with her best friend. She was a great person and pretty attractive. Ultimately it was brought up that she had two very young kids from 2 different marriage. It was decided that we would just be friends. Neither of us could bring what each other wanted into the relationship. I wouldn’t be able to juggle her hours and she wasn’t always avaibable because of her kids.
I’m 35, and not looking right now, but a few years ago after my divorce I actually thought it would be cool to date a single mother. I believed I would be a good dad but didn’t really want to have kids of my own, for reasons I won’t get into here. I did date a couple of women with kids, but it never worked out. Anyway, the thing that scared me the most was not the kids but the prospect of dealing with an ex and all that.
vanilla: You say you usually take your son with you when you go anywhere. That’s fine, but the natural assumption to make when seeing or meeting a woman accompanied by a child is that she’s married. You’ll need to figure out some way to get the “I’m single” messsage across.
Your best chance of getting a long-term partner will be with a man who is a parent himself. He wouldn’t necessairly have to have custody of his children. At age 45, you may even meet a man who is right for you whose children are already out of the house. By being a parent himself, he’ll have acquired a lot of knowledge about how parenthood works.
Long ago, I was single with custody of my 11 year old son. Met this nice Christian woman with three children of her own, and we got married.
We’ll soon be celebrating our 19th anniversary. She’s still a devout Christian and I’m still a godless agnostic, and we’re living happily ever after.
It’s your own choice on the religion thing, but we (obviously) haven’t let our differences of opinion in that area keep us from having a wonderful life together.
There were times when we had to round all the kids up and hold a group ass-kickin’, but that would have been the case even if we were both their natural parents.
Please don’t despair, the magic can happen for you too.
Good luck!
I dated several single moms, and wound up marrying one of them. Still got her, somewhere around here. 
First of all, there is a “window” of women I will date. I wasn’t gonna date all women, yes? ALL guys have a “window;” can’t be too old, too young, too beautiful, too ugly, too fat, too skinny, whatever.
Now, for some guys, “single mom” falls outside that window. It did not, for me; I was okay with it, if the woman was interesting, but other guys just flat would not do it.
As to whether I would continue with a dating relationship or get serious, that largely depended on the woman in question. I dropped one woman because she kept trying to get her kids involved in “us,” less than a month after we’d first met. It felt clingy and creepy, like she was trying to shoehorn me into a husband-and-daddy-shaped hole in her life.
This other woman I dated later made it clear that something could happen, but that her child was all she had, and that she wasn’t gonna shortchange her kid just to suit me.
That made sense, and we were able to work with it. Her kid disliked me on sight, but later thawed after I brought Mom flowers… and Daughter a bouquet of bubble gum and small toys. Got along fine after that. Been getting along peachy for more than a decade now.
'Course, you got to find the right GUY, too…
Single, never married, 32 years old.
I have only once dated a woman who had a child of her own, and it was made somewhat easier because her daughter was about 2 years old and could stay with Grandma if we ever needed time alone together. The daughter wasn’t yet an independent personality, so I didn’t feel outnumbered or teamed-up-on, nor was she (the daughter) difficult to interact with.
Yes, I agree with much of what has been said. Dating a single mother is not dating. It’s like attending a months-long job interview, always a constant feeling of being evaluated. Or maybe it’s like being the pediaveterinarian for a bear cub: overprotective mamabear is standing nearby and you daren’t do anything except be cloyingly nice, even when the kid is misbehaving so badly that the only thing that could make the kid behave is some decent discipline (ha! as if she’d ever permit some stranger to dare to even frown at her baby) or, worst case scenario, a chlorpromazine dart.
Added to that is the realization that you will date this woman for eighteen to twenty more years before you get a moment alone, and well, it’s not an appealing situation—to me. Sure, it might be cowardly not to want to date a single mother, but honestly, it’s a lot of work if you’re like me, never married, no experience with small children of my own.
As long as I have the alternative to look for a childless woman, I will prefer to do so. I do want children, yes, but seeing what my stepfather went through trying to raise me, and what my mother went through step-raising his daughters, I just don’t want to be in that situation.
Not to dispute you, Fish, but given a choice between raising my stepdaughter and raising the child I was (and, given my genetics, the child I would be likely to have), I’d pick my stepdaughter, any day of the week. Easier. Cheaper. Way less tiring…
I confess, I am not fond of children and I am less likely to date a woman who has one or more.
Of course, Master Wang-Ka. And given that I was born with a genetic liver dysfunction, and I am guaranteed to pass half of that recessive susceptibility on to any biological child of mine, it is certainly more logical for many reasons to want to raise someone else’s child. Logic might also suggest that one is less likely to be “on the hook” for paying child support if you enter a relationship where the child is not your own.
Logic isn’t much of a comfort to me, though. My own reaction to the OP’s question is that I feel very much out of place in a triangle relationship where I want to date a woman but I’m really dating a whole family.
That was what I was trying to say, although I said it too strongly and belladonna questioned me on it.
Dating a single woman with a single child is getting into a triangle where one of the participants is very emotionally immature. That’s not a slam; kids are by definition immature.
so I guess the lesson is don’t marry unless you are absolutely sure you will not be divorced or widowed or expect to be alone for about 20 years.
I have no choice but to do so.
So its about 7 more years for me.
No, I think from Master Wang-Ka’s example, and that of my stepfather, the lesson would be “some men accept the idea of dating a single mother, and some don’t, so find the ones that do.”
I’m a single guy, 42 years old. I’ve dated women with kids and women without kids. My preference at this point of time would be to date a woman without kids, but ONLY because it would be easier for her to take off for a weekend or vacation.
I wouldn’t date a woman who DIDN’T say that her kid(s) came first. I have no problem with that. Of course, I’m also the son of a single mom (my dad died when I was 10).
I’d glady date a woman with kids.
And from personal experience, I think that women with kids are better kissers.
Whistlepig