Just be honest with him. As stated above, don’t make it parent v. child, talk to him like you would a peer. I know your kid is not your friend, but at 17, there is room to bring equality into a relationship.
But mentioning things “in passing” isn’t going to fool him, and will more than likely make him feel like he can’t talk to you about it. Just have a conversation - “you know what? I’m concerned about this new relationship. What are your feelings about it? Here’s how I feel…”
Trust me, telling him about responsibility will mean nothing to him compared to the experiences he’ll have just hanging out with this girl, even without the baby.
I think this is one of those “Everybody knows it’s true” kinda things. You want to fight against a statement like that because it sounds bad, but I’d bet good money some hard statistics would confirm it’s true.
This girl might well be a good, responsible kid who’s making the best of a tough situation. But I don’t blame **Stuffy **for being concerned. And while fathering a child at 17 might not ruin his son’s life, it’s not what any reasonable parent would want for his kid.
Two childhood friends of mine both married into “pre-fab” families (pre-existing children), scaring the hell out of all of us. Ten years or so later, they’re all doing just fine and everyone else I know is divorced.
I’m not advocating marriage for 17 year-olds, I’m just saying mileages vary.
I read the OP, then fully expected to join in the pile-on of people saying “WTF? What’s wrong with dating someone who has a kid?”
But no, everyone seems to agree that this is OMG! AWFUL!!!
Huh? Why on Earth does it matter if she’s got a kid or not? They’re only dating, he’s not marrying the girl and signing up to being a daddy! Give the boy a break.
Maybe I’m wrong but I think a lot of the concern is over what happens if the relationship ends (as relationships between 17 yos often do) but the tyke is attached to Stuffy’s son or vice versa.
The dynamics of dating a single mom of any age are different than what is typical of teen relationships and I don’t think it’s unreasonable for Stuffy to hope his son doesn’t skip over teendom.
Hmmm…I didn’t read (or intend to write) that, I read that this is a potential land-mine of a relationship, and it’s bound to be more complicated than the average 17 year old is emotionally, financially and perhaps even physically ready to tackle. As such, careful monitoring by all the parents involved and some serious heart-to-hearts about the various complicating factors are in order.
I’d offer much the same advice about a 15 year old who wants to backpack Europe alone or a C-student who wants to apply to medical school. You might be getting in over your head here, and here’s why…
Well maybe I misinterpreted what the OP meant by “dating”. If he’s just hanging out with her, going to the movies, having constant teenage sex, whatever, then what’s the big deal (as long as he’s careful with the latter, and it sounds like that’s the case)?
If, on the other hand, he’s serious about her, wants to move in with her, etc, then yes, it’s more of a big deal. But that’s not what I understand by “dating”.
That is correct. I can tell you don’t have any kids. Once you become a parent, your days of being a “normal teenager” are history. It’s not like having a dog, you know.
I’d say that depends a lot on her family status - a lot of teenagers have kids but their parents do a lot of the actual parenting. I’m not saying that is a good thing, but she is not necessarily out to sink her claws into Stuffy Jr and turn him into a surrogate father.
It’s not just about Stuffy Jr. being in peril of becoming a stepfather. It’s more about the kid. You can’t have a bunch of casual fuck buddies coming in and out of the kid’s life all the time.
Yes, exactly. Or rather, if you are any sort of decent parent, you don’t. At least, not in the same “normal, teenage” way that your childless friends do.
WhyNot,
pregnant at 17, mom at 18, first functional, non-damaging (to self or child) relationship with a man at 25
This is what I mean…what evidence do you have to demonstrate that there is a line of “fuck buddies” in and out (ha!) all day? And, what basis do you have for declaring that, once you have a kid, there can be no dating?
Hey - guess what! I had a baby at 18, was single, and managed to:
Not get pregnant again
Not “trap” a new daddy for my baby!
Not be a total whore
Date many boys, with all but two ever actually meeting my daughter
Find a fabulous husband, manage the time they spent together, and find a perfect fit.
It takes time and careful planning, but it can be done. Most of the time, an unplanned pregnancy pushes a normal young woman (from a decent family, socially and economically) into adulthood, and the caliber of the decision making goes up as well.
What exactly are your credentials for acting like an expert? :dubious:
Your 4th and 5th points contradict your second and third points. You dated “many boys” and all but two met your daughter? How do you figure that was healthy?
That’s kind of my point, isn’t it. The maturity that comes with parenthood precludes causal dating with immature high school kids (and it’s really inappropriate to keep introducing them to the kid like you claim to have done).
Expert?
I have kids. That gives me the “credentials” to have an opinion on responsible parenthood. I don’t claim to be an “expert” on anything.
Well, exactly! And “time and careful planning” are not things that most 17 year old boys possess in great abundance. Which is why, just like every other life skill, he may need his father’s help, or at least monitoring, in order to accomplish.
I think you might be taking this a little personally. No one’s attacking the girl here, we’re feeling protective of the boy. The fact is that many 17 year olds - with or without children - are fairly promiscuous, like to spend lots of time with their peers and go on dates on the spur of the moment. These are things that a good mother doesn’t do - which puts her outside the realm of “normal teenage” behavior.
What feels like “dating many boys” when you’re in it looks a whole lot like “a line of fuck buddies” to the dispassionate observer. More than one teenaged mother has fooled herself into believing her kid thinks she and her boyfriend are “just friends” or that the kid won’t be upset when “Uncle Mike” doesn’t come around to play anymore. Do we know that’s what’s going on? No. But we don’t know that’s not going on, either. We’re not saying, “run away, she’s a slut!”, we’re saying, “Be careful and don’t make her *into *a slut.”
Can you date a single mom? Sure. Can you date if you *are *a single mom? Sure. But it works best for everyone involved if you do so, as you say, with time and careful planning, and a certain emotional maturity, long-term perspective and concern for the welfare of others before yourself that most teenagers don’t have.
Or maybe it should be phrased that he shouldn’t treat her as a slut or go into something like this looking only for sex (and for a 17-year-old that can be a tricky thing. A lot of young guys imagine they’re in love with the first girl they sleep with). I think it needs to be impressed on the kid that this is a family he’s getting involved with, not just a chick who might put out, and he needs to respect that.
Well, on review, I managed to screw up my list. I meant, only two met my daughter… :smack:
Perhaps we define “casual dating” differently, but if I was going to a movie with a new boy I’d just met, why would they meet my daughter? And if we went out a few times, and it wasn’t working out, I never saw them again. This is my definition of “casual dating.”
I agree it’s inappropriate to keep bringing boys home to meet the kid.
I understand the OP wanting his kid to be cautious, and for being perhaps over-paranoid about it. What I do not understand is the rush of so many posters to immediately slander this poor girl without any hint of trouble. It seems like just “having a baby” makes her a slut, stupid, and waiting to trap any boy into her web of lies and poverty. For a board so full of people willing to step up and defend almost anything, and also one so dedicated to giving teenage mothers so many breaks, I find this pile-on to be unwarranted and unfair.
