How to handle daughter dating older guy (Long)

In My Humble Opinion
21

I agree birth control is definitely a good idea. Personally I’d try to get her on something that doesn’t require remembering daily like a nuvaring or depo.
Yeah, maybe she’s being careful, but it’s a biological reality that teens’ brains are not fully mature and they often act impulsively without thinking it through, so I wouldn’t just take a “she seems smart so let’s hope for the best” attitude on something as important as unplanned pregnancy. I remember reading a statistic a while back that some large percentage of teenage single moms are impregnated by older men, not boys their own age.

My experience has been that these guys who date younger girls often are more immature than guys who date girls their own age are. That means that I wouldn’t be surprised if she ends up outgrowing him after a while. I would not try to forbid her from seeing him since that may trigger the “forbidden fruit” reaction, but I definitely think you’re justified in expressing your concerns about him (as you would if she were dating a boy her own age you didn’t approve of).

22

I would tell this scumbag once, and once only, that he was never to speak to my child again, and that would be the end of it.

23

I’m glad you didn’t talk to her about it yet. She’s very nearly a legal adult and I don’t think it’s a big deal at all. How you handle this will provide the foundation for your future relationship to her as an adult. Let go of your emotional response, and treat her like the adult she practically is. Even IF the guy was a total scumbag, showing resistance to their relationship or trying to limit her freedom would cause her to cling to him harder and push her further away from you.

You don’t need to talk to her about birth control like it’s a new subject, she already knows about it either through friends, internet, or sex ed. Just tell her you’re going to schedule her a doctor’s appointment so she can get her first pap smear (offer to go in with her but let her go alone if she prefers) and some birth control pills/shot. Unless she has a reason for not wanting hormonal bc and is religiously using condoms, in which case it’s awesome she’s thought that hard about it already. But she still needs a pap anyway.

Anecdote time. My lesbian sister was dating a significantly older woman throughout her entire college career, but didn’t come out to my parents until after she graduated because they were homophobic and losing the college money would have fucked her life over, big time. Now she and her girlfriend are still dating years later, and both music teachers. It’s cute :smiley:

Lying about this kind of personal choice (like who your daughter chooses to date) for self-preservation (to prevent your ex from finding out about it and beating up the guy and possibly withholding future financial support for college) is not wrong. Acknowledge that she lied and you understand why, and that she can come to you in confidence in the future if she wants to about ANYTHING, and you won’t tell her dad about it–it’s her choice to tell him or not to IMO.

It’s okay to express parental disappointment, it’s natural to be disappointed in your children. This does not warrant punishment.

24

You have to look at what your options are. Forbid her to see this guy and threaten to throw her out of the house if she doesn’t comply? That’s a bad plan.

I think you have to accept the inevitable - she’s apparently decided she’s going to keep seeing this guy even if you disapprove.

So tell her that you think it’s a bad idea, but also tell her she’s mature enough to be making her own decisions. Hopefully she’ll come to the realization that you’re right and she’ll break off the relationship on her own. (And who knows? Maybe she’s right and they’ll happily spend the rest of their lives together.)

And tell her you don’t want her lying to you.

25

It’s only 8 years, that’s not a big deal

26

Thanks all for the advice. Many of the suggestions have flown in and out of my head all day.

Yes, my big fear is the “You are forbidden to see him!” will just have her run off to live with him in 6 months. I am currently trying to talk her father out of that mode for that very reason. She’s going to want to get away from the “horrible strict parents” when I think, left to it’s own devices, it could fizzle out on it’s own.

I am definitely not on board with getting this guy branded a sex offender or anything like that. I don’t want to ruin his life. He may be showing some poor judgment, but I don’t think he’s malicious or some kind of a predator.

For now, though, seeing him is not happening because she is punished from activities with ANY friends for the time being. I was very clear that this was because she LIED. She accepted that.

We did talk about sex, and I told her that at 17, I was more upset about her lying to me than if she was having sex. I confided in her that I was her age when I first had sex. She said she hadn’t had sex yet, and that Guy said it was not important, and he would wait until she was ready. I’m leaning toward believing her… we’ve always had a pretty open line of communication. Still, there are doubts.

We talked about going to the doctor and getting on birth control; she again said it wasn’t necessary, but she agreed to go at my suggestion, because at 17, it’s bound to happen sooner or later, so I think better safe than sorry would be the best course.

Icarus - I like all your suggestions; college has been a priority and pretty much drilled into her brain since she was a baby.

Her: “Pretty car! I want one when I grow up!”
Me: “You know how you can have one when you grow up? Go to college!” :wink:

I will bring that point up again.

When The Guy called today, I told him I appreciated his concern, but did tell him I was NOT happy about the situation and that there was definitely more that needed to be settled with Daughter, Dad and myself before we would talk about anything else.

Cat Fight - I did ask her to look the situation from an outside point of view, not knowing the people involved. A 25 year old guy and a 17 year old girl just doesn’t sound right. I acknowledged that everyone is different and SOMETIMES it can work out, in general most people would disapprove. She said she understood my point.

HawksPath - I’m not so bothered by a big age difference if the youngest person is over 25. And not my Daughter :wink:

Jophiel- Your personal hunch is mine as well. He does work full time and has a small place of his own. His mom has been staying with him while her house is being rebuilt. Or so I’m told.

Manda JO - I agree about not making a big deal about it. I would probably stay in a miserable relationship to spite my own mother TODAY if she told me not to. But that’s another thread entirely :wink:

As far as the phone call, Daughter called him during a big fight with her dad. When The Guy couldn’t reach her back, he called me to see what was going on. That said, I still felt weird about talking to him. I didn’t realize why until you explained that way.
(By the way, as a lurker, I’ve seen your advice on some other topics. You seem to always give the best advice!)

SeaDragonTattoo - Thank you for sharing your story. It makes sense; you matured and he basically stayed the same. I could picture that, should this turn into something more.

And thanks to all I didn’t address specifically.

So many thoughtful replies! I teeter on the brink of “Am I totally screwing up my kids??” almost constantly. The fact that the replies have been similar to some of my thoughts has reassured me that I may not be screwing them up as bad as I thought :wink:

27

Overreaction alert.

A 25 year old guy has been hanging around your 17 year old daughter. Of COURSE he likes her. So what are you going to do about it now? If she’s behaving herself and going to class and not being a typical teenage pain, then you’re seriously overreacting.

I was fourteen when I had my serious “crush”. He was 19. Our parents didn’t like it, so we stayed friends. They respected that. He was always extremely respectful. After he joined the Marines, we’d write letters back and forth and talk on the phone. He was seriously my best friend. During one of his leaves, he told me that he loved me (in that ofhanded twenty one year old I can’t believe I just said that aloud way). Still stayed friends. Talked every day. He helped me through boyfriend problems, school problems, parents problems, etc etc. That is man who loves you.

Our families kind of thought that I’d grow up and we’d date and get married and ya ya ya. Then this little thing called Iraq happened after I graduated HS and I won’t get into details, but I am not a military wife.

I will tell you that had my mother flipped and tried to ban us from seeing each other, it just would have made it all the more sweet.

When I was seventeen, I fell for this guy who as 23. Mr. Marine was off doing Marine-type things overseas at the time (before Iraq). This guy ended up being my “first” (sounds so silly to type that) and taught me a lot of things about men. All the things that made men good and bad, I guess. He didn’t do drugs, he had a great job, ya ya, but he was older. My mother didn’t like it but didn’t ban it. That was an off and on thing for a few years.

I’m glad I had both experiences. I’m glad I also briefly dated the football captain, the tortured musician, and the drama nerd.

Dating is practice for the grown up stuff. Just make sure you’re there for her and make sure she has all the tools she needs for the right decisions.

She’s seventeen years old.

28

Oops, too late! I talked to her; I kept the tone casual and light. I mentioned the birth control because it was a topic we’ve talked about before; just not to the point of actually going to get it.

I can appreciate your point of view about the lying and I can definitely understand why she would not want her dad to know. She has confided in me once or twice about other things, knowing I would not tell her dad. I don’t like to be put into that situation, but I kept my word on it.

She’s dated a little bit in the last year or 2, and not felt the need to ask permission; nor have I felt the need to give it. But this was different. She lied about dating him, she lied about places she said she was going to be and people she was going to be with.

She has had fairly free reign to do what she wanted because I trusted her. If I can’t trust her to be where she says she’s going to be, I can’t let her go. She’s nearly an adult, but not quite one yet. And while I’m paying for food, home, clothes, etc. I do expect a level of respect. And lying does not express respect to me. Just MHO. Although I can understand if others disagree.

29

When you take her in for birth control, be sure to get her the HPV vaccine if she hasn’t already had it.

30

Condoms alone have a high failure rate, especially among teens. This is what I meant by relying on luck - even if they are using them, they’re not a reliable method.

Young grasshopper, you have so much to learn!

31

I think 17 and 25 is a big difference in ages. Between 18 and 23 you go through a lot of growing up, even physically your body still has changes till after 21, when it starts settling down.

A 25 year old has a lot more life experience under his/her belt. And is usually done with the school and starting out in life on a career. Granted this is not an absolute by any means.

That said, there’s little you can do, but if she’s 17, she still owes it to you to respect your wishes. And as long as their no danger to her physically or she won’t have her bank account emptied, the worst that will happen is a broken heart, which is almost never fatal or forever.

32

My suspicion is that a 17 year old is going to outgrow a 25 year old who is interested in dating a 17 year old.

33

I’m 29 and pick up girls 18-24 (one 17yo who lied about her age to me). You don’t even want to know the things a lot of 17-25 year olds do with random sketchy strange guys at the bar. Your daughter sounds like a smart kid and this guy sounds like a nice dude…they’re friends, he’s respectful with regards to pushing for sex (they’ve probably done it but if she says he said he was willing to wait till she’s ready odds are he DID say/mean that back at the start). It’s not like he’s some creepy pedophile preying on her. He’s part of her social circle and while he was akward with the phone call he’s at least TRYING to show you he’s responsible.

You can’t snuff out attraction, just make sure you fully educate her on birth control and STD stuff and make sure she knows the nuances of the pill (missing a few days = baby city) etc so she can be safe about what they’ll do with or without your approval. Then trust that you’ve raised a kid smart enough not to jeopardize her future.

Odds are she’ll date him thru college (better that guy than her getting railed in threesomes with drunk fratboys right?) and he’ll get closer to 30 and she’ll grow up a bit and they’ll both want different things and break it off.

Definately stick to your guns on punishing the lying though, I fully agree that the two are separate issues and as long as she userstands it’s the lying she’s in trouble for and you aren’t trying to ruin the guy’s life for having the audacity to dare like your daughter, you have a very solid foundation for having a trusting open communication relationship with your daughter with the topic of sex in the future.

All in all good work! I think you handled it great and just remember she could be seeing a lot worse of a guy than a dude who doesn’t get shitfaced every weekend and doesn’t lie about his age to her and doesn’t avoid meeting her parents.

  • TWTTWN
34

Tell me another one, Professor!!!

35

I think you have a very good attitude towards this- you seem open to taking a nuanced view while still dedicated to protecting your daughter as she moves into adulthood.

Normally I am generally against any relationship with a significant age/power imbalance, but you’re right that this particular set of circumstances seems fairly benign. Sure, there is room for things to go wrong, but there is room for things to go wrong in a more symmetrical relationship as well. She’s close enough to 18 that it’s not unreasonable for her to start making the kinds of choices adults make. And if she is happy and he seems like a decent guy, maybe it’s an okay thing. Mature 17 year olds having sex is not an automatic recipe for disaster, but more of a warning to be cautious.

That said, I generally don’t think young women should be getting into serious relationships of any sort. It’s very easy to lose perspective and make sacrifices for a relationship that realistically isn’t going anywhere. I wouldn’t encourage them to play house or start inviting him to family holidays. Even if they date for a long period of time, take it slow before he “becomes part of the family.” Getting serious can be very tempting at that age, and it feels good to be treated as an adult. But when you start thinking about a boyfriend, you stop thinking about yourself. I kick myself when I think of all the opportunities I missed when I was young because I was busy investing in relationships that I pretty much knew were not going to last into the next stage in life. I should have been maturing independently, not attached to another at such a young age.

As for birth control, plenty of 17 year olds are capable of being responsible for birth control, and there if she’s as mature as you say, she’s probably as invested in not having a baby as you are. Make sure she gets to the doctor, but I wouldn’t intrude too much on the details- let her work it out with her doctor. She seems old enough to take control of her sexual health.

36

Thanks for mentioning this. I will have to check her records, but I think her doctor recommended it, and she got one a few years ago at a routine check up.

This is what I think may happen as well.

Thanks for the advice and encouragement! But holy shit, dude! I REALLY didn’t need to read THAT! :wink:

even sven - Thanks, I put a lot of effort into trying to balance letting her learn her own lessons and knowing when to step in. I constantly second guess my decisions. In spite of that, she has been a great kid and has managed to avoid most of the troubles some of her friends have gone through, so far. I guess that’s why this has thrown me for a loop.

I had the same experience with the over investment at a young age. Daughter and I have talked about that as well.

And she has said on many many occasions that she NEVER wanted kids. I always used to smile and say, “You never know, you might change your mind when you get older” Now I just say “GREAT!!” :stuck_out_tongue:
Thank you all again. I know it’s not so horrible on the grand scale, I just really want to handle it the best way I can for all of us.

37

Of course when I wrote that I didn’t stop to think “wait, what if they DO break up before she goes off to college? Maybe I shouldn’t be typing this…” haha

My apologies for any future anxiety attacks. :slight_smile:

  • TWTTWN
38

A 25 year old man interested in a 17 year old girl seems creepy to me. Whether he is just a little creepy or super creepy, I don’t know. I would insist on meeting this dude to find out where are on the creep-o-meter he is. Once you meet him, you can have a better judgment on the situation. Even if he’s super creepy, you can’t forbid the relationship because that would just backfire, but you would be possibly prepared on the trouble your daughter might be in store for.

39

I was your daughter a decade ago. My parents pitched a fit about my 9-years-older boyfriend, forbid me from seeing him. I saw him anyway. I got myself on birth control thanks to Planned Parenthood.

13 years later, the boyfriend is now my husband. He supported me financially while I was in school. I have completed two college degrees and have a job that pays me rather handsomely. He runs a freelance business. My husband and I are working hard to pay off our debts and otherwise be good citizens. We hope to start a family later next year.

40

I guess I am old school, but what ever happened to the girl bringing home the boy and introducing him to her parents? Had she already guessed that neither mom nor dad would like her dating the boy? Interesting.

Be sure and tell her that even though you are helping her get birth control, that you are not condoning sex outside of marriage. I don’t care what you did when you were single and dating. Neither you nor your ex are condoning sex at your daughter’s age. Right? She can decide IF she wants children AFTER college. If she thinks it would be so much fun to have her very own baby to love, you may be a grandmother before you think.

Back to her dating an older man. Ask her to think about dating an older man while she is in college. She is studying and hanging out with fellow students in those odd hours that most students have (remember all those free afternoons at the lake?) The guy is holding down his 8 to 5 or whatever. Two different worlds.

Ask her if she is thinking of the guy as marriage material. Yes? OK, another bag of worms. If the answer is no, then be nice, but point out that she shouldn’t be wasting his time or hers in a relationship that she knows she doesn’t want to be in. Date with the idea of figuring out who you are, what you like, and where you want to be one day. If the “the rest of your life” is not in the equation, why are you still dating that person?

Another suggestion: Copy all this thread to a file and let her read it. Heck, you can even edit out certain statements if you want. She is a mature 17-year-old, right? She might get a kick out of total strangers’ opinions. And get other points of view, too.