You can date a high schooler. But unless you’re another high schooler you probably shouldn’t.
That said I dated a twenty year old when I was sixteen. My parents adored him because he was on full scholarship at a well regarded college. His best friend (same age as him) is my husband of thirteen years.
I’m not surprised Danalan, of all people, seems to feel that way.
(Yes, it’s an old thread, but it doesn’t seem like he’s changed all THAT much-or at least he’s gotten more discreet)
I see it the opposite-just because something’s legal and consensual doesn’t mean it’s a good idea, and one should go full steam ahead.
I don’t really see a problem with it.
Wow, I had no idea what a phenomenon this thread had become! I usually surf the SDMB at work, and I have this week off for Thanksgiving.
Anyway, I really appreciate all of the interest and responses. I do agree that there’s a lot of legit advice here, even though some of it is really off-base or going on major assumptions. There are several factors that people brought up that I hadn’t really given full consideration, but most of those are more long-term concerns that will matter if this turns into a longer-term relationship.
I didn’t want to give too much info out, but here’s a little bit more about her and the circumstance in which we met - we’re both Mensans, and it was a local Mensa event that brought us together in the first place. She’s a second-generation member - her parents were there, and I met them at around the same time that I met her. Because you don’t tend to meet people that young in the organization, I initially assumed that she was just a petite 18- or 19-year-old, so I was extra impressed when I learned her age after about 20 minutes of conversation. I really can’t stress how bright and mature she is by any standard, but especially for her age - she’s witty, spunky, self-deprecating, and dropped a Thomas Pynchon reference (
) like a tiny Tina Fey (she’s pretty much exactly what I imagine a 16-year-old Tina Fey to be, in fact).
Anyway, I can’t stress enough that I’m asking about DATING her, rather chastely, and just taking it one day at a time. I’m not thinking marriage, prom, meeting my “colleagues” (if you can count the broke-ass local emcee who still owes me about $300 for last week as a colleague), etc. etc. etc. - just that I haven’t felt a crush like this since I was…well, her age, and haven’t felt this sort of snap-crackle-pop-fireworks insta-chemistry with anyone in years.
So, an update, and then I’m pretty much done talking about this for fear of putting too much personal info out there…I had dinner with her family today, and they were totally laid-back about the whole thing. I didn’t really announce my “intentions” as much as just get to know them as their daughter’s guest, and by the end of the night I think we all felt totally comfortable with each other and her mother tacitly let me know that they felt fine with me taking their daughter out and that they trusted me. They’re on the more eccentric end of the Mensa spectrum, just straight out of The Royal Tenenbaums or Salinger’s Glass Family stories, so I can tell that they’re just being totally open-minded about the whole thing. Thank God for Mensa - any other parents would have probably already written me off as a creep, but they were already suggesting a great sushi place for me to take their daughter.
I’m picking her up from school tomorrow (half-day…nice!) and we’re going to get lunch and check out new comics. One day at a time!
Not every sixteen year old can be judged by the same measure. When I was sixteen, I had very much outgrown the boys my age. I dated a 21 year old as my first boyfriend. We did it all above board - my parents knew him, he was a frequent guest at my house for dinner… mentally, I was very much suited to his maturity level.
However, sexually, I was not. Thankfully, I had a mother who was really frank and open about sex, and we kept in constant contact about the relationship. The boy and I did not take things to that level for a very long time, much longer than my friends who fumble fucked their way through their teenage years with boys of their own age.
Still, 27 seems a wee bit old for me. I say back off for now. Even another year will add a tremendous amount of emotional growth for this girl, you’re flirting with a very dangerous thing. No matter how mentally mature this girl is, she still has the raging hormones of a sixteen year old, and may not be making a rational decision at this point… I think this may be doubly so if she is a genius… smart kids can be isolated from their peers and may gravitate to anyone who will accept them, which does not always make for an emotionally stable situation.
Good to hear things are going positively, Freejooky. You seem to have a good handle on the situation for the time being, and I wish you and this girl both the best in whatever friendship develops between the two of you.
The thought that came to my mind earlier was that intelligence does not imply maturity. Don’t confuse the two.
:dubious:
Doesn’t any of that paragraph strike you as slightly… off?
I’d seriously consider where you’re at, emotionally. I really think you’re only hurting your own growth as an adult by pursuing this relationship. A bona fide adult relationship would be perhaps more challenging, but that’s exactly why this one will do you no favours.
I’m still not buying it. You can’t tell shit about someone from 20 minutes of conversation. I’m sure I would’ve come off as much more intelligent and mature in conversation when I was 16 than I would now, even though I wasn’t, by a long shot. Part of growing up was not giving a shit if people think I’m smart and mature anymore.
This is sure to offend, well, everybody, but I qualified for Mensa (scored in the top 2% on an acceptable test; someone suggested I look into it), did some research, and decided not to join because they’re the only community I’ve ever found that is more insular, self-congratulatory, and clueless than this one. Knowing this girl is a member at her age makes me more suspicious that she is just thirsty for the approval of her elders. Don’t let that stop you from taking advantage of her, though :rolleyes:.
:eek: Whoa. And you were doing so well in that post before this.
When I was 21 I dated an 18 year old senior in high school. Even though there was only three years between us, I never felt like more of a creep than the few times I picked her up from school. And like your girl, mine acted “very mature” (so much so that most people who just knew about the 3 year gap assumed she was the older one).
Wait until she’s in college.
So why start this thread, if your mind was already made up in the first place? (Now I’m seeing why the OP might think a 16-year-old was more “mature”)
I’m not seeing a happy ending to this.
Even better, he asked the question, saw her again, and THEN came back to read our thread and basically ignore the (apparently) superfluous wisdom of the Dope.
Pure gold.
Well, thank you for the insight from the Crystal Ball Crowd.
Back off, everyone. Her parents know what’s going on and are cool with it, the OP is not talking sex but reading comics, he is not making wedding plans but thinking about the next day. So far, so good. Let people enjoy their lives. (or maybe you are just jealous that life is peachy for some people)
When I was a teenager with my twenty something boyfriend, I was attracted to him because he was a really nice guy. He lived down the street from me and I was friends with his brother (who was my age). He was smart. He was funny. And he was truly nice. He wasn’t too bad looking either.
He didn’t spend a lot of time telling me I was either mature or special - no more special than any of my subsequent boyfriends my own age (boyfriends are, after all, supposed to tell you you are special).
I sort of regretted dumping him - still sort of do - he really was a great guy and probably one of the more compatible people I’ve ever been with for me - but he ended up married to his next girlfriend - which sort of lets you know where he was in his life - and I went off to college 400 miles away. And I had a much more angsty sixteen year old boyfriend who was edgy and disturbed (I was dating them both, and two other guys as well - dating in this context does not mean having sex with…I settled on the angsty sixteen year old - dated him three more months when he dumped me for a girl with a bigger chest).
Just a note to update you – my wife’s nephew was well-liked by the families of his young girlfriends. They also said they were cool with it.
He was also into anime & manga comic books with these girls.
He’s still in jail. I’ll say “hi” to him for you this Saturday.
Well said.
I’m not seeing that his mind was already made up. He said he took a lot of what was said under consideration, but you didn’t honestly think that this little message board thread was going to be the ultimate decision-maker for him, did you?
“I’m not making any move until I hear back from the Dope.” :rolleyes:
You mean he made a decision about his life before everyone here had their say??
How dare him!
So, it’s not okay to ignore people who might be wrong?
I did not know what.