So, in the course of watching Smallville run itself into the ground, my pal Jimmydude and I have come to discuss the pansiness that is Clark Kent and the inconsistent plotlines that just conveniently IGNORE THE FACT THAT HE IS SUPER for the advancement of the lame teen angst.
The latest crap in the crapfest, Mama Kent’s worry that “If Clark goes away, he won’t be able to come home more than a couple of times per year.”
Earth to Mama Kent: Clark is SUPER. He can run home, do his chores, and be back at UCLA (or NYU) before his roommate is done watching the latest streaming video on Tiffany Teen dot com. He could even stay for dinner and not be gone longer than a trip to the grocery store for us non-super types.
However, we come to the point where we start worrying about the (gasp) secret. What if someone sees Clark? What if Clark goes all teen-angst and rips someone’s spine out? What if Clark gets hammered and decides to (seanbaby dot com- style) burn holes in people from across the bar?
Jimmy’s contention is that Clark’s body would recognize it as poison and he’d be invulnerable to it.
My contention is that yes, he can get drunk. He’s not like Wolverine where the toxins get purged from his body- he can still digest human food normally, so his GI system must be humanlike. So if he gets nutrition like us, his liver must be humanlike, so it would not filter the alcohol.
Clark has avoided alcohol in the past on shows (he only had one beer on red K, and nobody his size would get drunk on that, so who knows?). Whether that’s upbrininging, unsurety as to its effects, or surety as to its effects, I dunno. What I do know is that, if I were Clark, and college were coming up (especially in Kansas), I’d get a few cases of beer and go into the barn with Papa Kent and a green-K sledgehammer (just in case) to see just what kind of effect some Rolling Rock would have.
So sound off, Dopers. Can our favorite super-Dawson get plastered like a laser-eye-shooting fratboy, or will he be one big waste of alcohol? And, since nothing adds to a comic-book discussion like snark, let’s do this: Imagine Clark at a frat-party, trading off between keg-stands and shots of tequila.
Two guys are in the bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One says to the other, “It’s not widely known, but the updrafts from the street are so strong that you can jump out the window and they will carry you back up safely.”
The other guy says “You’re out of your mind – no way is that true.”
The first one says “Well, watch…” And he walks over and jumps out the window and sure enough, a couple of seconds later he floats back up and lands on the ledge as light as a feather.
So the second guy says "Wow! That looks fun. I have to try that!" And he jumps out the window and falls screaming to his death far below.
And the bartender says, "You're a mean drunk, Superman!"
Do we know this? Has anyone ever followed Superman to the bathroom to see what happens? Do the maintenance guys get called to the Daily Planet a lot to fix the plumbing fixtures? “Jaysus, what th’ hell was this guy eatin’?”
Well, the evil Superman got pissed in Superman III. He flicked the bar nuts into the mirror and broke it. Apparently, he doesn’t like to shave when goes out for a bender either.
Oh, good heavens. Smallville is so far from canon that it’s not even funny. Lana has a magical Kryptonian butt-tattoo, fer chrissakes!
So, within the context of the series, sure, he could get drunk, but it’d have to be laced with liquid Kryptonite like everything else he comes across.
I like how from time to time they have people with super powers where they don’t explain where they come from. The telepath, the flash, the guy from this week’s episode. They’re leaving the option open for other people out there with powers who weren’t smacked by green meteors.
It’s pretty clear that Superman cannot be poisoned. Alcohol is a toxin. Ergo, Superman cannot get drunk. Nor could he use any other drug (medical or recreational). He does eat, but metbolizing calories is a different process than metabolizing toxins.
On a related “note”…what would a Super-Fart sound like? If Spue had a couple of push-cart burritos for lunch, could he shatter the toilet with the resulting gaseous discharge?
Reminds me of an old cartoon: man in bed on his back; over two chairs are a woman’s dress and a Superman costume—he’s looking up at a hole in the ceiling and saying, " . . . Lois?"
In at least one comic a young Clark is shown to be affected by alcohol to the point of impairment. It was a fairly wretched “don’t drink and drive” issue story and IIRC some friend of his ends up dead or crippled in a drunk driving accident. In the comics as in Smallville it’s now canon that Clark’s powers developed gradually, so it could be that alcohol might affect him in large enough quantities. Presumably his metabolism is super-efficient so he may metabolize the alcohol so quickly that it doesn’t intoxicate him. Which raises the question as to whether Superman could drink enough at super-speed to stay ahead of his metabolism and get drunk.
I don’t really have a cite that says he can’t be drugged, but I’ve never seen it done. You’d think Lex Luthor would have figured it out by now if simple ether would knock out the man of steel. Everything is either laced with Kryptonite or some exotic alien or magic poison.
Biochemically speaking, processing food and the effects/metabolism of toxins are quite different pathways. Superman may function semi-normally in one, but not the other.
I was a confirmed Comic Book guy throughout my teens. I sought out and bought a limited edition hardcover of Watchmen. I love superhero stuff.
But when I read this thread title, I was immediately struck by the memory of two of the kids in the movie Stand By Me talking when one asks “Can Mighty Mouse beat up Superman?”
Off hand, I’d say that the people who write the Superman stories, who have shown in canonical material that alcohol affects (at least teenaged) Kryptonian physiology, know what he’d need.
