Can Superman tear his own head off?

Cafe Society
21

From “JLA Self-Mutilation 80-Page Giant”-- THE PASSION OF THE BAT (Not a dream! Not an imaginary story!)

(SCENE: THE JUSTICE LEAGUE SATELLITE)

GREEN LANTERN: --and so, to resolve this question once and for all, Batman and Superman have both agreed to a race. At my ring-signal, Superman will attempt to tear his own head off before Batman can crucify himself.

WONDER WOMAN: Um… does anyone remember what the point of this contest was?

GREEN ARROW: Don’t act so innocent, babe. How can you expect people to trust a leader, if he can’t even tear his own head off when the situation demands it?

WONDER WOMAN: But… it’s impossible for a person to tear their own head off! I mean, physically impossible! And how can someone crucify themselves, for that matter? How could they nail their last hand down?

GREEN LANTERN (FORMS GIANT STOPWATCH WITH RING): And… begin!

(BATMAN INSTANTLY LEAPS INTO THE SHADOWS AND EMERGES WITH A SPECIALLY PREPARED BAT-CRUCIFIX. LEANING IT AGAINST THE WALL, HE JUMPS INTO PLACE AND PRODUCES THREE HUGE IRON NAILS AND A BALL-PEEN HAMMER FROM HIS UTILITY BELT. TEETH GRITTED IN AGONY, HE DRIVES ONE NAIL STRAIGHT THROUGH BOTH FEET, THEN HAMMERS HIS LEFT HAND DOWN.)

BATMAN: …HRNH! …HGHHH! …NNGGHHGHH!!!

(WITH INHUMAN DEXTERITY, HE DROPS THE HAMMER WHILE HANGING ONTO THE FINAL NAIL, ITS POINT FIRMLY PRESSED INTO HIS RIGHT PALM. BY SHIFTING HIS CENTER OF GRAVITY, HE ROCKS HIMSELF MADLY BACK AND FORTH, UNTIL THE CRUCIFIX FINALLY PITCHES FORWARD, CRASHING TO THE FLOOR… THE FORCE OF THE IMPACT DRIVING THE FINAL NAIL HOME!)

SUPERMAN (WHO HAS NOT MOVED AT ALL): Oh, well… I guess you win, then. (SHRUGS)

GREEN ARROW: … …Wow. You really are a dick!

22

Oh, so Batman wins if he’s specially prepared!

23

I may be the only one but when I saw the title of this thread, the first thing I thought of was this recent Elvis Costello song. (The lyrics have nothing to do with Superman though.)

24

Given that he has not posted in the thread since you suggested this, I’m going go assume that, yes, you can tear your own head off.

25

Oh yeah?

26

Oh, you’re absolutely not the only one. Incidentally, the Bangles did a very bitchen cover version.

27

You, sir, are God. standing ovation of one

28

I have to say, this would certainly be the most hardcore way to go.

29

Make that two. stands and applauds Terrifel

30

Not quite the same, but apparently Samurai were occasionally known to decapitate themselves as a show of badassness. They weren’t in much of a position to utilise that badassness after the fact, I would imagine, but still…

31

Ray Smuckles can tear off his own head, when very angry. Or at least, Beef thinks so.

32

You’re not trying hard enough. Give it another whirl.

33

No no, you twist, then whirl.

34

Bravo! Bravo!

And let’s face it. Bats had it comin’ to him ever since he did you-know-what to Robin.

FYI: Superdickery.com was hacked last week and was laden with viruses. The site appears to have been cleaned up now, but be on the lookout anyway.

35

That’s why god left quantum mechanics in the equation of the universe: he CAN have his cake and eat it too. :cool:

36

I remember this being addressed as part of the newspaper comic once. A reader asked how it was that Superman was able to give Lois Lane a blood transfusion when the doctor couldn’t have possibly penetrated Superman’s skin with a needle.

Superman had gashed his own flesh with his fingernail, allowing the doctor to insert the needle and effect the transfusion.

That’s no big deal. I’m not Superman and I find I can’t stomach those crappy Patio microwave burritos regardless of how much (or how little) I microwave them.

Didn’t John Byrne try to explain Superman’s power this way when he was writing the series, and everything he wrote pretty much went into the trash as he wrote it? At least that would explain, though, how he had Rebuilding-the-Great-Wall-of-China Vision in Superman 4 and never pulled that stunt again.

Where the hell is Candid Gamera?

37

Nothing to add other than I wish we had a prize for Thread Title of the Month.

This one would definitely be in the running.

38

Maybe also how General Zod could point at a guy and shoot a beam capable of lifting him 40 feet in the air in the second film. And what was the deal with the giant cellophane “S”?

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Here’s what may strike you as a very odd coincidence.And you may be hearing this for the first time.

In one of the three or so meetings between Superboy and Superman in the Silver Age, Superboy ended up trapped in Superman’s “time-zone.” Superman showed him with a stick writing on the ground that neither of them could focus enough force/energy to break this sort of “hex”. A story ensues in which neither of them seemed bothered by the idea of young Clark Kent walking around in “modern-day” Metropolis. (I think they used a different name for him and had people believe that he was a younger cousin. Or brother, or something. Also, folks may not have seen -Boy in costume.)

In the end someone got the idea to have -Man charge at -Boy in the usual i.f. meets i.o. cliche metaphor. That got -Boy shot “head over heels” back where he came from. With one huge headache that he kinda’ slept off on the family couch.

And, of course, typical to such “dreamlike” stories he kinda’ wondered if “it all REALLY happened” – or am I having false fictional memory in this case??

(Hm! Now that I think of it, I think THAT was as close to taking his own head off as he cared to come, BTW.) :smiley:

True Blue Jack

40

Not many people know that at the top of the Empire state building is a bar. From this bar you can see all of Manhattan, and the land for miles. It is usually empty, except for the bartender and a single customer.

One day a tourist found the bar. Wearing Bermuda shorts and five dollar sunglasses, he was the kind of guy New Yorkers love to hate.

He sat next to the tired looking customer and ordered a Bud.

“This is my first time in New York.” He said. The bartender and the customer respond with silence. The tourist doesn’t notice.

“Sure is a big place.” Silence.

“Fellow can see all there is to see here.” Silence.

“You sure aren’t friendly folk, are you?”

The customer stirs. He finishes his whiskey and puts the glass down.

“Where you from?” He asks the tourist.

“Topeka.”

The drunkard smiles.

“How tall is the biggest building in To - pee - ka?”

“Bout 20 stories.”

“Well we’re something like one hundred stories up. On a building like this something amazing happens. The drafts are so strong you can lean out a window and just float.”

The tourist bristles. “I won’t be made a fool of sir. Such a thing is not possible.”

The drunkard merely walks open to a window and opens it. The wind races in, howling through the bar. He leans out over the window. A little a first, and then he climbs out the rest of the way. For a couple of second he floats in front of the window, held in only by his feet. The he stretches his legs and pulls himself back in.

He smiles again. “See. Simple as can be.”

“Now I have to try that!” Says the tourist. He leans out the window and falls to his death.

“Superman, why do you always have to be such a dick?” Asks the bartender.

That’s how the Superman is a dick joke I know. sorry to go off topic.