As some of you know, I’m getting married on Monday. Jaime’s younger brother, Lee*, was supposed to be his best man. We got a phone call the other day, and it was his father, Bob*, telling us that they couldn’t make it.
It turns out that Lee had been arrested for sexual assault and bringing a knife on campus. He’s currently in Juvie. He’s 16. My first reaction was to blame his parents.
Bob and Anne* are the most irresponsible people I know. I don’t think they understand that for every action there is a consequence. And for every stupid action there is usually a negative consequence.
So, how responsible would you say Lee’s parents are for his recent arrest? I honestly believe that they did not instill into their sons the importance of not breaking the law. They seem to happily drift through life, ignoring any and everything that may stand in their way. I’m almost 100% certain that Bob has committed certain crimes (ie fraud), and doesn’t seem to lose any sleep over it.
Or is laying the blame on the parents, even a small amount, a slipperly slope that could eventually lead to removing all the responsibility from the shoulders of the actual wrong-doer?
*[sub]names changed to protect the not-so-innocent[/sub]
I agree that it varies from case to case. My wife and I raised 5 children, three were adopted. Before we had teens I had taught teens in Sunday School, and I wondered “What is the big deal?” Then my oldest boy became a teen and it went on for 14 years, until the last 2 (twins) turned 20. I would say that it is like a ride in Disney(land/world). There are smooth times; hectic times; times you pray to get out of it; times of wonder; times of despair; times that good and bad things come out of nowhere. When it is over you are glad you took the ride, but you’ll never go again. Like in Disney all the rides are different; some people are better than others taking the ride and others shouldn’t do it at all, but once on you can’t get off.
The two youngest are now 21 and things are smoothing out. From experience with three before them, it will take a couple of more years and then we will be able to sit around and laugh about the things that happened.
You were asking about “Lee” and “Bob”, but I hope that my post doesn’t change your plans to get married. I swear it is worth it!
The only time we should even consider holding parents responsible for their kids’ crimes is when it can be shown that they neglected their duty to teach kids proper morals. Children are human beings, not puppets.
Of course we can say that the parents are responsible.
This one girl I work with said her dad told her that the root of all evil are dishwashers. After all, he says, people used to talk while they were washing the dishes. I feel that there is not enough communication between parents and kids, and that is why the teenagers do stupid stuff.
I’m an exception. I do stupid stuff because I want to.
The stupid stuff that I’ve done include–
–camp out with a few friends in an elementary school playground
–tried to lighten my hair (turned it an orange-ish color)
Trust me, I’ve done much MUCH more stupid things than that listed above, The difference between the stupid things that I’ve done and what criminals’ve done is that I have done stupid things that don’t directly affect other people in a negative way.
I’m glad that my parents instilled within me at an early age that negative actions towords others (biting, hitting, kicking, and yelling) are very bad, and they should be avoided at all costs. apparently, some people didn’t have such good parents.
depends on the parents, depends on the kid, depends on the crime.
i mean people go into therapy to discuss how much their parents screwed up their lives.
i know people whose upbringing is directly responsible for their emotional disorders, substance misuse and sexual issues… so yeah if homosexuality, buying alcohol and attempting suicide were still crimes (they were, once upon a time, remember) then these parents should take the blame.
Well, I’d just like to chime in here and say that my brother and I did some really stupid things, despite our parents’ best efforts to stop us. fortunately, we (usually) didn’t get caught. I have always said no, don’t blame the parents. If teenagers need to be taught personal responsibility (and I think we all agree that they do), then it would be hypocritical to say that parents should be held responsible for their kids’ actions. Teenagers konw what is legal and illegal, and what is right and wrong, even if their parents aren’t perfect examples.
When I was a teenage junkie and low-life criminal, my mother tried her damnedest to straighten me out. But I was bigger, meaner, crazier and just a little bit craftier than she was, and I was intent on doing just what I wanted to do regardless of the consequences. My mother also worked a full time job and had 2 other kids to provide for(dead beat dad).
It is difficult to control, even under the best of circumstances, someone who has the body of an adult without the wisdom and maturity of one.
Unless it can be proven that a parent encouraged criminal behaviour, that parent is not responsible.