Cannibal Children from the Planet Weird, or My Kids Are Really Funny

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ve made no secret of the fact that my kids (Dianasaur & Johnzilla) are…um…*interesting. * They have very vivid imaginations, and never seem to have any trouble finding ways to entertain themselves. Last night was no exception.

They were playing restaurant. Dianasaur was the waitress. The conversation went something like this:

Dianasaur: Hello, sir, may I take your order? What would you like to eat today?

Johnzilla: Um…feet!

D: Good choice! Would you like boots with that? I know you like boots!

J: Lips! Do you have any lips?

D: Would you like those baked or fried?

And on the conversation went, with Dianasaur asking what he’d like, and Johnzilla requesting various body parts. They finally switched to animals, though. And when they did…I had to step in.

Dianasaur: What can I get for you, sir?

Johnzilla: Snails! I want snails!

Persephone: Hey you guys, guess what? Mama’s actually eaten snails.

Dianasaur & Johnzilla: (dead silence)

Persephone: Really! I have! They’re good!

Dianasaur & Johnzilla: BWAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! Nobody eats snails!

Persephone: Yes they do! It’s called “escargot,” and they’re cooked in garlic and butter, and they’re really yummy!

Dianasaur: (rolling her eyes) Only Mama and her friends would ever eat snails!

I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. The fact that the two times in my life I’ve ever eaten escargot I’ve been with fellow Dopers made it even funnier.

Now tell me stories about your kids. :smiley:

2

How old are your cannibals? They sound very charming and inventive.

3

Snails are very good. Frogs too :wink:

Can’t wait to have children of my own when I read that :slight_smile:

4

Snails good, frogs not.

My kids do that too, but never together like that. They only know how to fight with each other.

5

I don’t know how this got started, but I don’t kiss my daughter good night.

Instead, in our best Beverly Hills socialite voice, we say in unison, “Smooches!”

Then we air kiss each other’s cheeks.

Then, again in our Bevery Hills socialite voice, we say together,

“Dahling! Let’s do lunch! Have your people call mah people.”

Then she scampers off to bed.

6

Dianasaur is 6, Johnzilla is 4. They’re quite…“spirited.” :smiley:

7

When my oldest was around four, if you asked him what he wanted to eat he’d say, “fava beans and a nice chianti.” And if you asked him how he was feeling, he’d put his hand to his head and sigh, “oy vey, such a headache I have.”

8

I have no kids yet, but I’m told that when I was around three or four, I’d wander around in restaurants, walk up to a random booth of people, tell them my whole life story (I imagine this was a short process at this age), and finish off with “And I’m shy.”

9

'Seph, you’ve met my kids. They’re good kids. And you’ve tasted my cooking. I’m a good cook.

But my kids will not eat my cooking. I made two lovely meatloaves the other night, complete with homefries and steamed broccoli with melted butter and grated Romano cheese. My wife and I were in comfort food heaven, but both my kids made themselves peanut butter sandwiches.

Where did I go wrong?

And I remember breaking your escargot cherry in Philadelphia last March. Glad to have widened your horizons, m’dear. :wink:

10

Not my kids, but my sister’s kids - -
I was visiting her one day and walked by one of their bedrooms. The two of them were discussing how they were going to fight (argue, actually) ! The look on her face when I told her was priceless.

11

When my first little boy, Drew, was around 4, I was drying him off after a bath when he got this panicked look on his face. He was staring at the water quickly draining out of the tub. “My life!” he dramatically exclaimed. “It’s going down the drain!” He ran to the side of the tub and bent over scooping his “life” out of the tub just moments before it could be pulled down the drain. He hugged his imaginary load to his chest and brought it over to me and said, “Here, hold this.” and promptly laid his life into my arms. Then he got dressed as I sat there holding his little life in my hands trying not to show my amusement at his expense but still feeling the weight of being entrusted with his “life”.

He also had an imaginary friend for a long time. It had been weeks since this friend, “Zebbie” had been around and Drew said out of the blue, “Man! I haven’t seen Zebbie in forever.” When I suggested that he find him and invite him over for dinner Drew just gave me a long look and out of the corner of his mouth he stage-whispered, “Mom he’s make-believe!” I thought I was going to pee my pants from laughing.

I could go on and on about him and my middle son, Sam. Now my baby - he’s the one that’s going to keep us in stitches when we finally can understand what he’s going on about.

12

Made the mistake of saying something about the moon being made of cheese to my then-four-year-old nephew.

Normally, he tries very hard to keep up the image that he’s got everything under control, that you can’t phase him, and that he’s not a baby.

Except that time. That time, he whirled around in utter panic and said:

“Our moon is made of cheeeeeese???” :eek:

13

A couple of weeks ago, my daughter’s ancient hamster finally went to the big hamster wheel in the sky. I was the one who discovered the deceased hamster first and went to break the news gently to my daughter. As I thought she would, she burst into tears. After sobbing unconsolably for a few minutes, she asked me if she could see the hamster.
Still sobbing, she walked up the cage, took a close look and immediately stopped crying and said in awe,

“Oh cool! Her eyes are still open! That’s so weird!”

Then she asked me if she could poke it with something to see if it was stiff yet.

Apparently, the mourning period for deceased hamsters is very brief in 8-year-olds.

14

My daughter has a pretty good imagination, and consiquently is often the one to come up with games for her friends. Her most constant companions in crime, since about kindergarten (fourth grade now) has been a pair of boy twins. One or another of them is always in her class and their mother teaches at the school. One day after school their mother told me that Furlikid had told one of the twins that we had huge wolves living in our backyard, and that they were too big to be killed with guns. That they needed to turn into lions to kill them. The twin it seems was buying the whole story, as well as the one of her sisters and brothers living in a cabin behind our house. ( she is an only child.)
Later i said to Furlikid “you know, twinone believes some of what you tell him, and maybe you should be a little careful.”
My then 8 year old gets this absolutely wickedly delighted completely feminine look on her face and says with a little wonder and a lot of glee “I know”. OMG I am in so much trouble.

15

Just a little while ago, Johnzilla came out of his room with a pillow, and proceeded to put it into a large box that his father brought home from the grocery store today. When I asked him what he was doing, he said he was going to bed. In the box.

He wrapped himself up in his fluffy fleece blanky, climbed in, an promptly fell right to sleep.

No way in hell I’m gonna wake him up. :smiley:

16

My just-turned-four-year-old said her first bad-word a couple of weeks ago. She is speech-delayed, and often leaves the beginning sound off of a word. We were getting her ready for bed, and she dropped something on the floor and said “am-eet” “What did you say?” “nussing” “Did you say ‘damnit’?” “Uh-huh” “Honey, nice little girls don’t say that word” “Only mommies say it?”

Lesson learned.