Capt. Stern vs. Capt. Brannigan

Well, seeing as “Batman vs. X” threads have gone to way of the dodo, I thought I’d post my own little matchup of fictional characters…In this case, fictional space captains of animation. BAD space captains.

In this corner, we have Capt. Lincoln S. Stern from the 1981 movie “Heavy Metal.” We see and hear fairly little of Captain Stern, except for the list of charges against him read at his court martial…

12 counts of 1st degree Murder.
14 counts of “armed theft of Federation property.”
22 counts of “Piracy in High Space.”
18 counts of Fraud.
37 counts of Rape.
…And 1 Moving Violation.

He was also accused of…
Being involved with a preschooler’s prostitute ring. (Unclear if as a client, or as a pimp.)
Selling dope. While disguised as a nun.

And that was from his own character witness.
But on the other hand, I give you…Futurama’s Capt. Zapp Brannigan.

While rarely charged with actual crimes or breaches of conduct, he’s still gained an…“interesting” record as a military commander.

Accidental destruction of DOOP headquarters.
Attack on/saving of the Neutral Planet.
“Bloody triumph” over Pacifists of Ghandi Nebula.
Single-handed Victory over the Retiree people of Assisted Living Nebula.
Carpet Bombing victory on Eden 7.
Piloted starliner Titanic into a black hole.
Defended Earth against attack by Omicron Persei 8 (Unsuccessfully).

In Brannigan’s case, many of his victories would seem to have very high “body counts”…on the other hand, they all seemed to be against opponents who wouldn’t or couldn’t fight back.

In Capt. Stern’s case, he’s only charged with 12 counts of murder…but we don’t know the circumstances of the murders. Maybe he just phasered a busload of nuns. Or maybe he killed a dozen people with his bare hands. We can’t know.

We also know little about Stern’s actual military record. He may indeed have been a competant military leader…who also happened to be a “low down, back stabbing, larcenous, perverted worm!” (Also in the words of his character witness.)

On the other hand…Stern not only had a pair of pants, but a cape as well. Brannigan has neither.

So, I ask you, fellow Dopers…who would win? Stern or Brannigan?

Well of course Stern would win, if it’s a question of competency. He accomplished a lot, just none of it moral. But Brannigan- Brannigan is emblemic of the Earth he serves: a third-rate wannabe power desperatly seeking someone small and weak enough to conquer; the 31st century equivalent of 1930s Italy. He wouldn’t last 20 seconds against a shrewd backstabber like Stern.

Most definitely Stern. So what if Brannigan had a higher body count? Any kind of murder, which is usually done facing the victim, counts higher than faceless deaths in “battle”.

Sternn. He’s a crook, but a competant crook. Brannigan is an incompetant bungler. If Zapp decided he wanted to become an actual crook, he’s probably ask a uniformed police officer to be his accomplice.

On the other hand, Zapp has Kif.

On the other hand, Kif is a coward who would love nothing more than to be free of Brannigan.

Sternn could probably bribe Kif to leave (as he bribed Hanover to ‘chase’ him out of the courtroom) - after Brannigan shoved him forward to ‘heroically’ sacrifice his life defending his captain - then stab Zapp in the back when he turned to call Kif a coward.

Stern. Must as I love Zapp, he’d bail at first sign that he was going to lose.

Besides I’ve heard that Captain Stern has got an angle.

Well, Stern ain’t that competent a crook. He got caught and put on trial, after all, while Brannigan’s career (despite his own court-martial) is flourishing.

Before (and after) the Heavy Metal movie, Captain Stern was a comic-book character, by Bernie Wrightson and Shepard Hendrix (ill.), published by Kitchen Sink Press. So there might be a bit more information available on him. I can’t be of further help, I don’t own any of the comix, I just know they exist(ed).

I think that the deciding factor would be Hanover Fiste.

Hanover Fisk, I think. It’s proabably not a good idea to get his name wrong. :eek: :smiley:

Would Zap have wave after wave of his own men under his disposal?