Need to vent. Not asking for advice or commiseration.
Earlier this year I was diagnosed with a serious medical condition. It’s been a festival of doctors and referrals and specialists since then. The latest one is this afternoon. I woke at about 5 a.m. terrified.
I shouldn’t be this scared. We’re just supposed to be talking about treatment plans and whatnot. And I have plenty of support. Insurance and a good GP and medical professionals in the family and a wife that loves me and beautiful kids and great brothers and sisters ad friends. And I for the worst news months ago. Went through the worst depression months ago. But I am still fucking terrified this morning. I don’t want to leave. I know I’m being irratonal but I can’t stop. Part of me doesn’t want to go to the appointment. I almost canceled yesterday because it seems pointless. I know it’s not pointless but that is how it feels.
So that’s it. I’m going to go. Going is a step in a process that keeps me here with my family. I have to keep repeating that.
I know how you feel.
Recently my doctor found something in a routine test. It was either benign or bowel cancer.
I got immediately referred to the cancer unit at the nearest hospital.
Here’s the thing - my mother told me ‘not to worry over things you don’t control’.
Now (as you know) this can be bl**dy difficult.
But I managed it - and went to all the required tests (which included tubes going up front and rear. :eek:)
And I’m cancer-free.
I wish you all the best - try to control your feelings and do go to all your appointments.
I probbaly did want commiseration. But advice is kind of pointless. I know what I want to do – blow off the appointment – is stupid and selfish. So I’ll go. but I’m just going through the motions, really, because I honestly don’t see the point right now. Rationally i know the doctor can probably help me. But I don’t feel it. there just isn’t any point in trying.
I’ve been scared and reluctant to go to every cardiologist appointment - and surgery - for the past 10 years. But afterwards, I’ve always come home thinking, “I’m so damn glad I went.” And on the occasions when I actually canceled an appointment, I always regretted it.
Good luck, take care, and let us know how it went.
Good on you, Skald, for doing the smart thing even when depression is kicking your teeth in. That’s what the terror is. The terror isn’t real. Depression is your brain trying to talk you into self-destruction. Your brain is not the boss of you. Good for you, for fighting through it.
It may FEEL pointless to go to the appointment, but you don’t know until you get there. Remember that you have the power to say NO, I don’t accept that treatment option. Or: I’m NOT doing this right now. I need to think about it - for an hour, a day, a week. You’re the one who has to live in your meat-sack, so even though a cardiologist may phrase advice as a command, he or she cannot mandate what you will do with your own body. It is hard to do frightening things like this, but it’s best to hear what the cardio has to say so you can consider things yourself. Hugs to you. You can do difficult things, as you have been for lo these many months.
I’m sorry that “anxiety” and “depression” are such useless muddy small-sounding words for the hell that freaking miscalibrated chemicals can put a person through. It sucks, and it’s going to suck, because the thing you’re using to evaluate how you feel is the thing that’s fucked up. Catch-22.
I’m sorry you feel like shit, and I’m glad you have your family to help motivate you anyway. Sending good thoughts that you’ll find a way to get your emotional state back into steadier realms soon, and that the other health issues are sorted or adapted to as quickly and easily as possible.
The thing that helped my attitude toward medical care was drafting my advanced directives, filing them with my PCP and attorney, and discussing them with my SO.
I’m glad you’re venting here. You will get a lot of advice and commiseration.
Only thing I can tell you is that going to the appointment is so much easier than re-scheduling, in the long run. I skipped one appointment many years ago and never got around to re-scheduling and I think some of my health issues lingered too long because of it.
It’s really easier to keep that momentum going to get the treatment you need.
Think like a Doper. You want any decisions you make to be evidence-based, and the best way to obtain factual, scientific evidence is to see your cardiologist.
If someone posted here saying, “My leg feels like it’s broken, but my gut is telling me that if I just eat a piece of pie it will be all right,” is that something you would accept?
I understand having anxiety and thoughts that aren’t based in reality, and sometimes just thinking about it in those terms – let’s gather some evidence – can help me to make the right decision.
I’ll do the cardiologist if you do my nephrologist!
The really scary part?
I can now spell both “cardiologist” and “nephrologist” from memory.
If I f*ckin’ wanted to know this damned much about medicine, I would have become an MD!
I’m supposed to be calling about yet another “hurry up” appointment.
After getting a blood test, my first hint of the results was a robocall of “You have an appointment with Dr. Nephrology at…”.
Damnit! I specifically said “Release ALL test results to me - even the 'Come in to discuss your test results” results" - and it still took 2 days before I could see the numbers.
And:
Dear VB software: you make a nice forum package. Would it kill you to add the variants of “Nephrology” to your dictionary? It is bad enough to have to use the friggin’ words - the least you could do is to recognize them quietly and not make me go check my spelling.
Now that I have taught you most of them, maybe you could tell other people’s dictionaries about them? It would be nice if you could.
OP, apologies for offering more advice, but this is just a general bit for anyone facing a doctor’s appointment. Write down questions/comments/things you want to say before you go. It does two things: 1. it will focus your attention pre-appointment on something tangible you can control, and 2. it will remind you during the appointment of things you wanted to say.
