Care and nurture of a thread

Your thread is a precious gift, and thanks to the Chicago Reader, your thread can blossom and grow in the precious soil of the SDMB.

It’s important to take care of your thread. Many a thread has pointlessly died from neglect and cruelty. Properly nurturing a thread will give you hours of pleasure, watching a tiny thread grow to a three or four-pager. Some threads have the ability to reach 30 or 40 pages, but don’t expect it. Too much pressure can make the hardiest newborn thread shrivel and die.

A thread is born
You have the ability to decide what your thread will be about, and where it will live. You may decide that the spirited little guy will thrive in the Pit or GD, or you may want a Star Wars thread to flourish in Café Society. You may want your thread to do a little work for you, and put him in GQ, or IMHO. Deciding where your thread you live is an important decision, and should not be taken lightly. Many tiny threads that could have prospered in MPSIMS have died painful deaths in the Pit.

You also can name your thread. This is almost as important as the content of the thread itself. A misnamed thread will likely be ignored, and will therefore have a relatively short life. Name your thread accurately. It should describe the thread, but should be punchy enough to get the attention of the audience scanning the forums. Correct spelling is important. Incorrect spelling will cause your little thread to be taunted and teased. It could lead to an in-joke, constantly reminding you of your irresponsibility as a thread parent.

Most important is your thread topic. A thread depends on popularity to make it live. Popularity is a thread’s cheese and beer. Popularity determines the life-span. An obscure thread topic may flourish briefly with others who have a similar interest, but will often quickly fade to obscurity. To have a truly healthy thread, pick a topic with general appeal, like the Lord of the Rings or cunnilingus (substitute “fellatio” for our gay brethren). Wisely pick a fitting title, and then send your baby thread out into the world.

** Caring for the thread **
A thread needs attention. Seeing a thread wane and die because of the neglect of the thread parent is a horrible thing. Occasionally, a thread will thrive despite neglect, but this is very rare. Visit your thread occasionally, and give it guidance.

But be careful. Over-feeding a thread can kill it as well. No one likes to see an over-protective parent, and shamelessly “bumping” an uninteresting thread can drastically reduce the life of future threads. Others will doubtless see your affection for your thread as seeking attention for yourself. They are likely correct, and you are acting like an “attention whore.”

Be careful to give your thread the exact right amount of attention.

** Teasing **
Keep in mind that not everyone will like your thread. The little thread that you have cared for and cultivated may be laughed at or ridiculed by others. This will hurt you. You have loved your little thread, and no one likes seeing their thread being teased.

This is your own fault. You deserved to be hurt. Be more careful in the future.

** The Hi-jack**
Some threads that you create, with one direction in mind for your thread, but it will unexpectedly take a turn that you hadn’t anticipated.

Other posters will lead your little thread into an alley, possibly to offer him drugs, or show him a naughty tattoo.

Gently, but very, very tersely, bring your thread back around to your original topic. People that hi-jack threads are unpatriotic. They hate your freedom, and want to thwart it by corrupting your thread.

** Death**
No thread lasts forever. The little thread that you have created will eventually die. It may be a natural death. It may be fast, and it may be slow. Most likely, it will be faster than you had hoped.

And, some threads will be killed by the authorities, put out of their misery for the misbegotten ideas that spawned them.

Don’t fret over the death of your thread. It is a part of a thread’s life. Rejoice that you had some time with your thread, no matter how short that time was. Remember that each thread you make is a lasting reminder of your presence.

Even though you want your little thread to live, try not to be the last person to post to your thread. This will be difficult. Every thread parent wants to extend the life span of their thread. But remember, the last person who posts to a thread is a loser, and will be shunned.

Sometimes a thread that died will “pull a Jesus,” and be resurrected. It will spend a brief time flailing about, it’s tiny eyes unaccustomed to the light. Don’t be shocked. A moderator will likely be along shortly to put the thread to a final death.

After this ultimate death, from which it can no longer be resurrected, it may comfort you to picture your thread in thread heaven, being carried about by hundreds of “words ending in -gry” threads, at last at peace.

Bored as well?

::points and laughs::

This thread is stupid and also ugly!

::points and laughs some more::

And I deserved that. See how this works?

(Actually, I thought the OP was exceedingly clever and funny. Seriously. I was sad when it sank like a stone after my post.)
*::points and laughs:: *

Thank you very much, Giraffe. That’s kind of you to say.

Hmm…6 posts, 3 by the OP. What was that term again? :dubious:
Aw heck, I’ll give it a bump.

"Hey thread, c’mere, take a walk with me. How old are you? 7 posts conting this one? No 1920’s Style Deaqth Ray remarks? Well, that’s your business. Listen, you’re doin’ alright for the first day…but you wanna *really * get some reads? Try some of this:

George Bush is an idiot, he thinks a duck’s quack actually echoes.

…heh heh heh…why do I hate America?

You, my friend, weren’t born yesterday. This was very well put. Right after I read it I heard Will Geer’s voice saying “You’ve come far, pilgrim.”

Did it feel like far?

Any advice on how to kill one, short of requesting a moderator intervention?

Sometimes I just want to vent a little, and then let the thing go away. For instance, a few weeks back I posted about witnessing a suicide. I was somewhat taken aback by the whole thing and just wanted to dump it somewhere. The thread garnered something like 15 replies and then sank like a stone, which was just about perfect from my point of view. I don’t know how to reliably duplicate that kind of performance, but I’d like to.