Career change to on-campus don/tutor/wiseman in a pretty college -- how to do it?

Factual Questions
1

I want to spend the rest of my life living in a college where there are trees, nice weather, and learning. Preferably living on a building on campus. Any ideas what colleges have such a position?

2

Needed:

  1. Grey hair
  2. Wool jacket with patches on the elbows
  3. Smoking pipe
  4. Ecclectic pieces of literature to carry around for show
  5. Pince nez glasses

If you’re in Califonria, good luck finding a city college teaching position… those jobs are golden and nobody quits until they die… oh and the state budget sucks right now.

3
4

Whoops.
The list above sounds perfect. Living just out of the city would be great. Does it matter what I have in the pipe?

5

Groundskeeper.