Cheating in relationships

In My Humble Opinion
41

Breaking up is what you’re supposed to do before you run around and screw other people.

Honestly, I don’t understand why some people have such difficulties keeping it in their pants.

Well, of course some people are more sensitive than others. The degree of pain also depends on the status/length/etc. of the relationship. A broken heart hurts like hell, but of course, sometimes breakups are necessary. A broken heart combined with the betrayal of the person you thought you could trust more than anyone on Earth is a really fucking nasty double-whammy, and a completely unnecessary addition of insult to injury.

Perhaps I’m just not very thick-skinned. But then, I’m not alone in that boat, and there are plenty of people even more sensitive than me.

My comparison to a murderous sociopath was only in regards to the selfish, antisocial mindset that would make someone think it was a good idea to hurt a person horribly for their own selfish pleasure.

42

Have had many offers but not even come close to cheating - some things just ain’t worth it - sex with someone new is nice, but keeping trust with the love of my life is sooooo much better in the long run.

I have thought about how I’d feel if my SO cheated on me - part of it depends on context… if she had a drunken snog on a night out with the girls that’s rather different than sleeping with a lad from the office; I think I’d forgive the former (although you can be damn sure I’d get some mileage out of it for a few months :wink: ) but the latter would mean “goodnight vienna”.

A friend of mine was in her early 20s and engaged to a bloke in his 40s - she was a party girl but v. faithful, but suddenly felt trapped by the relationship.

Her fiance suggested she go out and snog someone “to get it out of her system” - she duly did so but says it was the worst thing she could have done, and that it soured the relationship for months afterwards.

I’ve been the “other man” once, but didn’t realise the girl I was with had a boyfriend - reckon that lets me off the hook morally?

43

I don’t feel “The other guy” is to blame if he’s ignorant of his partners involvment. How could he know if his partner is lying? But if he finds out that the woman he’s boinking is married, and with kids or something, he needs to stop. If he doesn’t know what he’s involved in after that point, he’s stupid and a form of scum. And that goes for “the other woman” too.

44

I’ve said this before on the boards, but I don’t really think cheating is that big of a deal, depending on the degree. I just don’t believe human beings are naturally monogamous, we have to try. A one-night stand would not be a deal-breaker for me in any way. Repeated one-night stands or a long-term relationship outside our relationship would need counseling and may very well be a deal-breaker.

It does depend on how you feel. I know for my SO, a one-night stand on my part would be a deal-breaker. I accept that as one of the terms of the relationship, and would never cheat on him. If he was more open-minded, things might be different, who knows?

On the other hand, if he hit me one time that would be the end of the relationship, and I know at least one person who wouldn’t end it but would end it for cheating.

45

I have been cheated on. I have also cheated. Fun? No.

Wow, there sure are a lot of people throwing around the word “never” in here.

46

Married 13 years.
What enipla said, with my additional corollary:

…but never use this as an excuse to shirk your responsibilities.

47

The latter, of course. Don’t believe I’ve ever said a hurtful thing on this board and have no reason to start now.

48

Cheated/Cheated On/Cheated With

I’m nothing if not well-rounded.

49

The sick truth is that many people end up cheating because some part of their mind, as remote as it might be, is always recognizing opportunities to do so.

Even for many who say they “never” would, still end up cheating. How many people get into relationships WITH the thought of cheating? Probably not very many. So why does it happen so often? Because people are cognizant of their surroundings and put themselves into “cheatable situations” (for some people, more intentionally than others).

My thoughts on this have changed (have gone back and forth), but at the moment, I disagree with Anaamika in that we’re not naturally monogamous. If that were true, then, in general, the feeling of being cheated on wouldn’t be that great (and I guess maybe it isn’t for her).

Generally, I think most people are terrified of (and can become emotionally scarred because of) being cheated on, and it is this reason that people are, and should be monogamous. I would never want to be with someone that wanted to cheat, but didn’t, based on the “terms of the relationship”… it’s like, what’s the point? Well, more or less I guess I’d rather just be single. . .

Since when did lying, cheating, manipulating, others always be considered unnacceptable since kindergarten and into workplace, but sometimes it’s okay to do with someone as important as the person you should be trusting? Doesn’t make much sense to me, other than the fact that it is completely self-serving, and the one being cheated on probably deserves much, much, better than who they are “with”.

50

I’ve never cheated. I love my husband. More than that, I respect him. I trust him and respect him implicity - so much so that there’s really no such thing as jealousy in our relationship. (At least, no jealousy directed at people. At his job, sometimes, now that’s another story.)

So far, the potential has never trumped the actual - I’ve never been so tempted to put what we have at risk. Yeah, there were a coupla guys that made me go “hmmm…”, but I never acted on it, because I didn’t want to screw up what I had.

I’d much rather end a relationship to pursue another than cheat.

If I were single, finding out that a potential date had a significant other would be a deal breaker. Nope, I will not date you if you’re involved - end of story.

51

I’m naturally monogomous. I don’t have to work at it.

Wanting fidelity in a relationship is being “closed-minded?”

52

I’ve never cheated, not with a boyfriend nor a husband. It’s just not something I could bring myself to do. If I’m in a relationship and we’re having problems, I am more about solving that problem one way or another. I always said the LAST thing I needed was ANOTHER man to deal with!

My first husband cheated on me. I found out because he was arrested for statutory rape. He was 19, she was 14. I was pregnant at the time, but I left him anyway. I couldn’t tolerate it, not even once.

53

I didn’t say it was closed-minded, did I? You’ve been very cantankerous lately and I’m rather afraid to answer, since I fully expect you to bite my head off.

I don’t need to defend my opinions, just as you don’t. I’m not in a relationship with you.

54

Well, you did say that if your SO were “more open-minded” you might be able to have other people on the side.

And, to be fair, i think that when most people accuse someone of needing to be more open-minded, they are indicating a belief that the person is somewhat closed-minded.

55

You did imply that your partner was not open-minded.

You don’t have to defend your opinions but you don’t have to imply that people who choose monogomy and expect fidelity from their partners are “unnatural” and “closed-minded.” I hope you realize that those attitudes are out of step with the majority.

56

Dio, despite the binary nature of the metaphor (open|closed) - openmindedness is a relative spectrum, not a black and white choice. And I think it’s fair to say that Person A who will accept Action X is more “open” with regard to that Action than Person B who will not.

57

[warning: long post ahead]

Ahhh…cheating, one of the big realtionship “things” for me. For the record, my stats are:

Was cheated on by two different girlfriends. One of four months, the other of almost a year and a half. The year and a half GF “officially” cheated on me once, but we also took a “break” about six months into the realtionship for her to “work things out.” Apparantly by “work things out” she meant go around and fuck a couple guys (I didn’t learn about that until after the real breakup many months later." In my mind, that was still cheating. Obviously, soem people feel differently about this. Some say that’s what a break in a relationship is for, to see other people. Well, if that was the case, then she would (should) have said “we need to see other people for a while” not “take a break for a while.” A break, to me, is just a pause button for the relationship, and you shouldn’t mess around with anyone else, as it will mess up your view of the current one you’ve got going.

The other girl cheated on me over winter break from college. I was gone, and as she tells it, got depressed for one reason ro another (I believe that part, she has been on and off different meds before,) and invited her olf BF to “comfort” her. yeah, we can see where this is going. She had sex with him. I never did like the fact that she stayed as close as she did to that ex, because they dated on again off again for three years, during which time she cheated on him a couple times as well. Her excuse was that she never felt any emotion with sex anymore, and she wanted to have one more time having sex with somoen she at lest loved before. Huh…funny you said that, cause i seem to recall several times you saying you loved me (i never said it back, though, and never felt it.) Oh, then her excuse was BECAUSE I didn’t love her, she was driven to her ex, and had I showed more affection.emotion, it wouldn’t have happened.

My take on cheating is that it’s one of the worst things someone in a monogomous relationship can do to the other (I said one of the worst, not THE worst. Obviously, sexual and physical abuse are the worst things.) Getting cheated on, to me, was like a giant slap in the face and my partner telling me,

“Yeah, I got tired of you. But rather than actually tell you I was having problems, I just decided it was easier for me to sneak around behind you back an fuck some random guy, then let you find out, break up with me, and then I can make myself look like the victim to all my friends.”

In my mind, it is completly selfish. They work it so they are the victim, they need attention, and were driven away by their SO (not ain all cases, but in both my cases, this held hard and fast.) Someone earlier mentioned they believed cheating was 80% cheater 20% cheatee, in my mind, it is 100% cheater. They, and they alone, make the choice to have sex with someone else (ok, that other person has to agree too, but you know what I mean.) For a while after both times I was cheated on, I did think it was me, then I stepped back and realized it wasn’t, not by a longshot. Both of those girls cheated in the past, and I beleive both will continue to cheat in the future. Maybe not with every guy they are with, but I don’t see either of them ending that pattern. Especially the long term GF I had.

The entire time I’ve known her, she’s never NOT been in a relationship for more than a month. Her method of getting a new BF is usually to cheat on the old one with the new one, until the old one breaks up with her, then goes to the new one. Repeat proces when she gets tired of new one (which can be naywhere from one month to over a year.) She even got me that way, in a way. Granted, we never slept together when she had the previous BF, but she was coming on to me at every chance and made it clear she wanted me, but I refused because she was involved. She so found someone else who didn’t refuse, then got involved with him, then he broke up with her jsut a short whiel after, she tried to go back to the old one, he refused, and then (like the attention whore she is) she “tried to commit suicide.” Look, two glasses of wine and a few advil do not a suicide attempt make, ok? Then, a month later, she got to me again, had no BF at the time, (I barely knew about the whole deal with the other two guys) and I said “OK, let’s date.” Big mistake there.
Man, I really know hwo to pick them… :rolleyes:

58

I think wishing someone were “more open minded” implies a belief that they are currently closed-minded or intolerant. It’s the wrong choice of words when it comes to fidelity in a relationship.

59

Not to hijack this too much, but I disagree. Saying that one is “open minded” is very normative. I attach no normative value to being open enough to tolerate certain kinds of infidelity.

This being the case, I count myself as another open-minded person who has neither cheated, been cheated on, and believes that an adulterous relationship is sufficient grounds to terminate a relationship.

In practice, however, I suspect I would act more like mhendo and give some thought to the degree of cheating. A one-night stand would be a warning sign, but a deceitful adulterous relationship would result in termination.

60

Yeah, but think about it. I would read this the exact same if she had said (paraphrase) "if he were less close-minded, then things might be. . . ".

It simply sounds less insensitive to say “if he were more open-minded” than “if he weren’t as close-minded” . . . so n this context sounds to me like saying the same thing.