The only thing more painful was when my mother died.
Soooo, it is, in my not-so-humble oppinion, about the shittiest thing you can do to a lover short of killing him or her outright, and might hurt worse.
I don’t quite fathom a person who would rather get immediate gratification and betray someone like that than strike out on their own first. I don’t quite get people who say they want a monogamous relationship, when clearly they need something else. Incompetent? Immature? Immoral? All of the above and more? Dunno.
OK, I slightly misread this when I was skimming it earlier. The thing is, though, for some of us, committing adultery or cheating, or enabling another person to commit adultery by having an affair with us is analagous to murder and rape in that it is simply something which we do not do because it would be Wrong. It would be akin to telling me I’d spit on the alter of my church under the right circumstances or that I’d steal from a charity. I have certain absolute moral rights and wrongs. I never claimed to be a believer in relative ethics. In my book, some things are always wrong and adultery is one of them, just as rape and murder are always wrong.
One of my closest friends was married when I met him and in an open marriage. He may have been closer to me than anyone, including my ex-fiance. He was certainly closer to me than anyone else at the time. Nevertheless, we always knew and agreed that his relationship with his wife came first and if I ever became a threat to their marriage for any reason, sexual or otherwise, we’d end our friendship immediately. Actually the only question was who’d run faster and further from it.
Push You Down, you brought up the (paraphrased) question “What would you do if your girlfriend would commit suicide if you left her?” A few years ago, when that very dear, close friend of mine and his wife decided to move 600 miles away, I was suicidal. They did so after I’d been laid off for a few months with no good prospects in sight. I was also a bit short on friends because I was ashamed of being unemployed. I didn’t want him to move. I also knew that if I talked him into staying because of me, and that was possible, that doing so would be incredibly devastating to our friendship as well as his marriage. To do so would have been incredibly dishonourable, if I may use an old-fashioned word. As some folks in this thread know, I run a support group for people with clinical depression and I’ve been suicidal more times than I care to count. I also know that another person is not ultimately not responsible for my mental condition. Telling someone “Stay with me or I’ll die!” is dishonourable. In the hypothetical situation you described, even knowing firsthand how hellacious it is to be suicidally depressed, I would choose to end the relationship rather than betraying my honor and her (his in my case) trust. I knew the married man I turned down was on SSI for clinical depression when I turned him down. I also knew that his illness was his responsibility, not mine and I was not going to damage myself for him.
Yes, this is blatant black and white thinking. I don’t apologize for that. Yes, I would consider someone I knew to be having an affair to be less honorable and less trustworthy than someone who didn’t. In point of fact, I have a friend who has a history of cheating on his partners. He’s an extremely attractive guy. I’ve described his voice as being “silk, velvet, and a touch of brandy” and he’s one of the two guys who got me into Mensa. When he became available after his partner of many years dumped him because he’d cheated on her, I was one of many women who wanted to date him and we actually did go out on a couple of dates before I got to know him better. I still enjoy his company. However, in a relationship, I’d trust him about as far as I could throw him. It’s a shame. He gives very good hand massages as well as back rubs and, as I said, he’s a very attractive guy. He’s also a dead loss when it comes to relationships as far as I’m concerned.
To me, telling me that, in the right circumstances, I would cheat on the gentleman I’ve been seeing is akin to saying that, in the right circumstances I’d murder a baby. I cannot foresee any situations in which that would be an acceptable behaviour. By the way, I’m not some naive, idealistic teenager (although I do admit to being naive and idealistic at times). It’s been over 20 years since I was a teenager and I have done quite a bit of living. Hell, this weekend, I’ll be surrounded by lovely, tempting, fun men, including both the friend who was married and the guy with the history of cheating. I can think of several who’d be happy to oblige me if I asked if I could have sex with them, if that’s not bragging (it came as a surprise to me when I realized that, for what it’s worth!). I won’t because not only would it devastate the man I’m watching for as I type, but because the effect it would have on my pride and my honour would be equally devastating.
Yes. It says I possess the ability to forgive others for wrongful behavior directed against me. Which, in my little world, is not an inherently bad character trait.
Just because I think someone else does something wrong doesn’t mean I feel compelled to shun them and cut them from my life forever. One of my relatives is a flaming, devout, committed racist. He’s vocal about it. Owns a white sheet and everything. I’m totally convinced he’s doing the wrong thing - he’s still my relative though.
I think that your apparent willingness to pursue a slash-and-burn relationship paradigm when it comes to disagreements about what is and isn’t morally correct says something about you, too.
I can certainly see how this sort of thing could come about, but my original ‘never gonna happen’ minset was based on a couple of personal quirks you didn’t get a chance to consider. I have never had even the slightest urge to look around once I was in a relationship, and I’m a notorious ponderer. I coulda woulda shoulda every little thing, so my feelings don’t have a chance in heck of sneaking up on me. Really-- I can show you the medicine bottle. So if I were to be in a relationship, and I felt emotional itimacy growing with someone else (which is a very rare and uncomfortable state for me to find myself, making it even easier to notice), it’d be spotted and nipped in the bud. Heck, it probably wouldn’t get past the seed stage, much less get a chance to bud.
Other people, without all my charming psycoses, I could definitely see getting blindsided. Twikster sounds to me like someone with a normal reaction, I’m the odd one who actually looks for ways not to be close to people. I blame my mother.
So, er…what’s it called when you don’t cheat but let your mind be preoccupied by someone it shouldn’t be…and it doesn’t seem to be stopping?
Given this is a hypotheitical, should I confess that I’m enamored with someone whom it’s not appropriate to? Or just let it pass?
My question is, where is the line drawn?