Not telling me is betraying me twice.
Maybe, but you ignore the fundamental paradox at the heart of your claim:
If my wife cheated on me once, years ago, and I never found out about it, then that trust is still there. I never lost it. And if it was truly a one-time mistake, and she never plans to do it again, the only effect of her telling me is to compromise the trust that I already feel.
My whole argument in this thread is predicated on the assumption that the infidelity occurred in the distant past, that it was brief in duration, that it will not be discovered accidentally, that it will not be repeated, and that the relationship itself is currently strong.
If the relationship, as it currently stands, is in trouble and suffers from trust issues, i concede that coming clean about past indiscretions might serve a useful purpose in helping both partners to start over with a clean slate. There may be other circumstances where it would help also, but i think that, in the type of cases i’m talking about, it often does more harm than good, and serves only to hurt the person being told, with no corresponding benefit.
The benefit is a relationship built on reality rather than lies. For some of us, that’s more important than not being upset or hurt by the truth. I like the truth, even when it hurts like hell.
But your argument completely ignores the previous point. The distinction you’re making is only one you can make when you actually know about both options. If you never know about the past infidelity, then you have no way of knowing that your current reality is based on a lie.
Why don’t you “admit it” before you cheat? Give your spouse a chance to say “okay” or “no way” first. Then do what you want, knowing you gave them the opportunity to be okay with it or else leave you.
THAT is the honest way. I wouldn’t even call that cheating. It’s just attempting to open up your relationship and either succeeding, or breaking up. The lying and sneaking around is the cheating, not the fucking other people. If you don’t hide what you’re doing, it’s not cheating – it’s “seeing other people”. And if you want other lovers (temporary or not) besides your spouse, that’s the route you should take.
If I was the cheated upon, I’d rather know (no matter what it did to me or the relationship) than not. As the cheater, I’d rather not have my significant other keep thinking I’m a good person than know the truth about what I’d done. They have the right to make informed decisions about whether or not they want to remain with my duplicitous ass.
Very much in agreement. I was cheated on once, and had to dig and dig and dig to find out how and what was going on. I would’ve rather just been told, instead of having to sleuth around. It sucked, but ignorance is definitely not bliss in my eyes.
If it was a one-time thing and my partner truly regretted it and never intended to do it again, I’d prefer not to know.
I’d agree with this. Any confession should be in the spirit of apology, true contrition, and renewed determination to be faithful thereafter. I personally believe ignorance is not bliss, given the potential health and betrayed-trust consequences of adultery.
I think everyone is ignoring the fact that carrying guilt is not only painful it is also damaging to the individual carrying it. One of the biggest problems alcoholics have is dealing with guilt. The prescribed cure is confession, the closer to the source of hurt you make the confession the more complete the healing.
But it would still be based on a lie.
I am saying, and I have told my husband (who agrees with me), that I do not consider it a “kindness” or anything other than another betrayal if someone cheats on me and then lets me go on living the lie. If he were to do that, he would do it knowing that I have specifically and clearly said he’s not doing it for me.
In a relationship, people have the right to know who they are in the relationship with. If you don’t want to know, okay, you don’t have to know. But in my relationship, keeping me ignorant on purpose (obviously my poor husband can’t eradicate all of my ignorance. It’s too vast) is a betrayal of me and my trust. No amount of saying it’s for my own good makes it not a betrayal of me and my trust.
Personally, I think the only way to handle something like this isn’t in the OP. It’s to say nothing, but answer any questions truthfully. If your spouse asks “Have you ever cheated?” then you should absolutely answer yes. A relationship does need to be built on trust. I’m not sure that volunteering the information is such a great idea, though.
If I have to choose between the two scenarios in the OP, then I’d rather be (and be married to) the person in the first scenario. It’s not the best scenario, but I’d prefer truth over not.
I do believe sex happens beyond human control (and not talking rape here).
While you don’t want to tell someone something hurtful, at the same time you might feel the need to express something that lays heavy on your heart heart as you need that level of comfort that humans sometimes need - to let you know that you are accepted for who you are with all your flaws.
So for the OP’s Q, if it is a accepting each other for who they are, including their humanness and their need to be accepted as such, yes pre-emtive ‘confessions’ would be positive (even if it ends the relationship).
If it was a relationship based on human determination to stay together (such as many marriages), then that is contrary to that and as the saying goes it is easier to ask for forgiveness then permission.
You may not have realized it, but your keyboard was on when you typed that sentence.
I would want to know under any circumstances, because if my spouse cheated on me, that means I have potentially been exposed to some nasty diseases.
Either way, the marriage is over.
Truth is important but it’s not the be all end all.
If your SO asks if these jeans make her look fat or if he asks “does penis size matter?”, we all know there is only one answer to that question.
And for the same reason you lie for those cliche questions is the same reason you keep quiet in the OP’s hypothetical. You do it to spare them any unnecessary pain.
IMO, “Knowing” isn’t going to improve the quality of your life in any way what so ever.
Actually, this is precisely one of the reasons behind my “Don’t tell” position.
I believe that, as Gary T suggested very early in the thread, one of the main reasons that people confess to infidelity a long time after the fact, when there’s basically no chance that they would otherwise be found out, is to assuage their own guilt.
Well, sorry you cheating motherfucker, but if you feel guilty about doing it, then that’s a cross you should have to bear. Trying to expiate the guilt by dumping the whole thing on your blissfully ignorant spouse is actually an incredibly selfish act, and i believe that a lot of the people who do stuff like this do it out of selfishness, out of a desire to make themselves feel better, and not because it actually helps the relationship or the cheated-on partner.
I can live with this compromise.
I have never asked my wife “Have you cheated on me,” because i am 100% sure that she hasn’t, and it wouldn’t even cross my mind to ask. She has never asked me either, and if she did i could truthfully answer “no.”
Sauron, i’m afraid kanicbird was undoubtedly well aware that his keyboard was on. The guy is a veritable goldmine of WTF? quotes on anything related to love and sex. Here, for reference, is his take on rape:
No, it’s an attempt to withhold necessary information, at least for me.
I don’t care what you do in your relationship. In mine, this is not “unnecessary pain” at all. I’m not a child. I don’t need protecting from reality. If I end the relationship based on what I learned, that’s my right.
For myself in most cases I would act as you suggest, I could carry the load with some pain. I know a lot of folks who can’t carry a guiltload. Something one has to judge for themselves.
I agree with this. Every day you don’t tell your spouse you cheated is another lie. Much rather someone confess for whatever reason than spending my life with someone who isn’t who i thought. Lying because you want the relationship to keep going is just as selfish as cheating, it is not your call whether the relationship should continue at that point.