Yeah, it’s not how big you are, it’s what you can do with yourself. (I’m sorry, but every possible inflection of that sentence amuses me.)
See, I work at this bar as a lobster. Suddenly I overhear this big ugly wolfman saying he could crack my claws with just a squeeze of his fingers. Needless to say, violence against crustaceans is not appreciated 'round these parts, so I was determined to take action. I needed to warn my step-sister Heidi to stay away from this cretin and his companions, before her inner red glow was seen, but before I even blinked again, everyone was everywhere. Some where on the counter having sex (Ho just say no!) and said large fellow was trying to avert their attention by lifting 400 pounds of feathers. Other onlookers, like that Nic fellow, just had to confuse matters by loudly braying about a “nice ass.” I swear, aren’t lobsters enough? Must we really bring donkeys into this mess too?? :mad: Haters.
Your first mistake was embracing a woman with a handshake. Is this for real? Handshakes are a man-man thing.
An embrace is really a hug and that is where you have an opportunity to show class and be appreciated. Women like a snug hug but only to the point where they feel comfortable. If she likes your hug and hugs back you can respond with just a little more intensity than she’s offering. No more , no less. You have to be ready to disengage at the slightest hint from her. She needs to be secure that she is still under her own control.
It’s the Lifelike Hair that gets him the girls.
You ever notice that his shit is permanently on, but his pants come off? That’s what gets him the girls. That and his big gun. Just saying.
Shirt*
Damnit, I could some day grow up to be funny, if only I could type. Hell, who am I kidding.
If GI Joe’s shit is always on, it is because of the kung fu action grip hands. He can’t wipe his ass with them wadded up like that.
But he can do something else with that Kung fu grip action, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
Duh…I will hug her, and pet her, and hold her, and squeeze her, and…
Tell me about the rabbits again, George!
HeidiHo, Nic2004, and faithfool:
You = funny. 
Shit be on? Oh, the shit is permanently on, my friend. That’s GI Joe for you.
Son, there’s not a woman alive who can resist a man who knows how to mambo.
[/Homer]
I take it the young guys were the ones giving you grief, wolfman? If so, ignore 'em. Let them face their own bills for physiotherapy of their loved ones. Personally, when shaking hands with a fella, I don’t mind the firm handshake (vastly prefer it over the limp, wet-fish type, used by women and men. shudder) but I can see your point. There sounds like there’s a lot of heft to your hugs and handshakes.
Maybe it might help to say – it’s okay 'till they squeak?
Who said I’m usin’ my arms???
Huh huh, yeah, I know what you’re sayin’. Nudge nudge, 
;). I sometimes indulge in that little urge myself.
I prefer it with a lemon slice and some drawn butter.
Oh, I can think of at least one thing.
So I was in this bar last night with my girlfriend and some pals. All of a sudden this 400 lb man with lobster claws for hands on these 50’ long noodle arms starts taking his pants off in front of us.
Well the next thing I know he starts hugging this dude who looks like G.I. Joe and the two of them are doing the Mambo…
Was he limp?
Hell no, his shit be on.
Actually, I had this discussion with my boss. I had him shake my hand the way he would a guy’s and it hurt like hell.
All my life, I’ve hungered for a big, burly man who has huge, ugly arms and can lift 400 pounds. I know that all men of all body types are nice and worth getting to know, but my secret, sexual desires have always leaned toward the husky, hirsute brute of a man, who looks like he could break me in half, and yet possesses the heart and dispostion of the gentlest of giants.
What makes my personal preference even more important is that I’ve got a genetic health condition that makes my bones extremely fragile. It’s been hard. I’ve had to make due with smaller, weaker men–all nice–but just not my “type,” you know?
Then, recently, I saw him. Across the bar talking with his friends. They were like most men I’ve dated, nice but . . . small. But not my perfect man. I heard him say he could crush lobster claws with his bare hands. I almost orgasmed right there. I happen to love lobster. I crave it. He was my dream man.
I began walking to the bar to buy him a drink. But then . . . crap. Oh hell no. He was all over some chick who was clearly fucking insane. He spent 90 minutes trying to impress her.
Whatever.