I admit this frightens me too. But I do know happy parents; I think the difference is whether the children were planned or not. If people feel like they had a choice, they made a decision, it makes a difference. I know some cool parents who really seem to live fuller and happier lives as caretakers.
My other biggest fear as a parent is becoming one of those obsessive people who can never shut up about how special and important their children are. The idea of having all of my identity and interests consumed by childrearing is scary to me.
I also have genetic concerns, but that’s one of the many reasons we’ve decided to adopt. While I have a crazy urge to parent, I don’t have any real desire to get pregnant or give birth.
It’s going to be a couple years at least before I do have children, so this discussion is really just academic at this point. But I do appreciate hearing from people who know they weren’t made to have kids.
I have kids, but thought I’d chime in anyway, because I never experienced a biological clock going off. I had my first baby at 37, because we knew we were running out of time, but I never got that physical urge to do it. I do like babies and always have, but just kept putting it off.
I’m 33 and have never wanted kids. And the thing is, in contrast with some of the posters here, I really like kids. I’ve worked with elementary school kids and enjoyed almost every moment of it. I like playing with babies and toddlers, and I like talking with older kids. (I loathe teenagers in general, though, go figure.)
But I don’t like being responsible for their safety, I don’t like disciplining them when they’re being assholes, I don’t like having to pay attention to them constantly, I don’t have the energy to keep up with them 24 hours a day with no break and no privacy (kill me now), and I have never, ever, ever in my life thought to myself, “Man, I would love to have one of these of my very own.” On the contrary, I’m relieved I don’t have kids. I see the changes and the sacrifices that my friends have had to make since they’ve had kids, and I think, “Thank GOD I don’t need to worry about that.”
I also am frankly terrified of pregnancy and childbirth.
This sounds a lot like me (i.e. no clock, first baby at 37, no physical urge, etc). Difference is I don’t even particularly like babies. However, (and yes, I know it’s a cliche), it really is different when it’s your own baby - I think Junior is about the most awesome little person I’ve ever met. Go figure.
I’m a dude, but my wife is mid-40s and has said she has never felt any urge to have kids.
She said the closest she’s ever been was one day as a teenager, she and her friends were talking about college and what they hoped the future would bring, and when someone asked her about kids she said: “Meh, maybe someday.” But by the timse she was actually in college, she was more “Oh f–k, no!”
This is off topic, but I think you are painting with an awfully broad brush here and it’s pretty dire to suggest that parents of unplanned babies are doomed to a life of misery. I’ve known some very happy parents whose babies were unplanned, and I’ve known some miserable-bitch-all-the-time parents who planned their babies to a T. In fact, the some of the most miserable-bitch-all-the-time parents I’ve ever known definitely planned their kids: there’s a certain type of person who becomes a parent because they need to be a martyr.
Honestly, I think generally happy people make generally happy parents and generally miserable people make generally miserable parents.
This didn’t happen to me until my mid-30s. Suddenly – BAM! And it always happened right before I got my period. My sex drive shot through the stratosphere. Other times of the month? Couldn’t have cared less in any way, shape, or form.
:nodding: I like kids, but I was always on the fence when it came to actually having my own. I’ve always believed that you should only have a child (or children) if you truly want them. Otherwise, it isn’t fair to either you or the kid(s).
37, and never wanted children. Like a few other posters above, I don’t even like children, especially babies. Like when someone brings their new baby into the office, all the women gather around and I run for the hills. I will avoid the area until I am sure the baby is gone. I have a hard time thinking of nice things to say when people bust out photos of their baby and just give the generic “oh how cute” and try to make it sound sincere.
Never felt a biological urge, but I have also been on birth control pills for over 20 yrs now, so its very likely that my hormones are not quite operating correctly. I tried going off last year and rediscovered how much a real period sucks - yeah not doing that again!
Yeah, it really is. I mean, as I said, I always liked babies, but more in the ooh and ahh, hold for a few minutes and give it back kind of way, not in the keep it forever kind of way. But my own kids…I could never have imagined how much I would love them.
That is the exact opposite of what happened to me. All through my teens I was sure I wanted kids. Sure. When I was around 19 or 20 I went through a phase where every time I ovulated the urge to snuggle something little and cute was overpowering. And then when I was about 22 or 23, it just…went away, and fairly abruptly. It was exactly the way people talk about their biological clock kicking in, just in reverse.
I still love looking at all the tiny little precious baby clothes and enjoy being around reasonably behaved kids of pretty much any age. When I found out my sister-in-law was pregnant, I was totally unhinged with joy at the prospect of being an aunt. (She told us Christmas night and by NYE I had already been shopping for toys, sewed the baby a stocking for next Christmas, and made plans to teach myself to quilt so I could make the baby fluffy little blankets. When I say unhinged, I mean unhinged.) But the idea of actually taking one of them home with me on any sort of long-term basis remains utterly eeeewwwwwww.
Yeah, my first friends to have kids suddenly turned into The Baby Channel (All Baby, All. The. Time) around the same time I started thinking this whole kids thing wasn’t such a hot idea. It certainly didn’t do anything to help me stay on the “have kids” side of the fence. Part of that, I think is that most of my friends who had kids were SAHMs of the “kindergarten was the first time he was away from me for 3 hours straight” and didn’t really have anything else going on in their lives to talk about. When your whole existence revolves around diaper changes and pediatrician visits, getting a solid poop or the exact height and weight percentiles the kids were at their last checkup assumes an importance that it wouldn’t have if you had other stuff going on. They generally got a lot better once the kids started school and they had to find something else to do for a few hours a day.
Oh yeah, it’s definitely not a requirement to not like them. My sister is much more fond of children than I am, and my friend who had “whoa, want babies!” feelings when she’d have a manic period is a teacher and adores her job and helping children and teens.
I’m fine with interacting with most kids I know (of friends/relatives), but have no desire to hold or take care of them. But random kids? No way.
I never, never, never wanted to have kids. Didn’t like them, didn’t want them. Then I met my husband and seeing how he is with kids and his desire to be a parent made me go from, “Lord, no!” to “I can see doing that, I guess” and deciding that should we want to have kids we would adopt. One accidental positive EPT test later I didn’t really have a choice in the matter and have determined that a lot of my dislike of children and not wanting of children came from non-child places.
I was afraid that I wouldn’t pick a decent partner and would end up being a single parent or worse, the only functional parent with a dysfunctional husband to influence my kid. I was afraid that I would end up having a kid that was a sociopath and that I would be stuck with a child that had no ability to understand or empathize with other people. I was afraid that all those people I see out there doing horrible, horrible things to or in front of their kids (not horrible like abusing their children but horrible like regularly feeding them hot pockets or swearing at them all the time when you get angry) are not abnormal and that I would slide into being that kind of person. When I found my husband and saw what a fabulous parent he would make I calmed down a little bit. When my husband laughed at me and said he didn’t understand my fears about being a bad parent I asked him why and he said, “You’re blowing raspberries on the dog’s belly and telling her you love her. How can you think you’d feel so much love and responsibility for the dog and the cats, whom you treat like royalty, and not for your own baby?” I thought about it for a minute and realized he was right about that and I calmed down some more. Then when I got pregnant and immediately changed everything I do to protect the fetus (seriously, my whole diet changed, I exercise more, I regularly go to the doctor and have blood taken and get shots and stuff even though needles scare me more than anything) I realized that it wasn’t that I don’t like kids, it was that I didn’t think I had the ability to functionally raise a child that wasn’t a horrible person. Coming to terms with that has made me very happy about the impending babby.
I’m sticking to my guns about only having one kid though. Pregnancy sucks hardcore and I am not doing this again. The kid will be fabulous though so I’m not worried about that kind of thing anymore!
I’m 34, 35 in October, and childfree by choice. SpouseO and I talk about it every, oh, six months or so, just to be sure we’re on the same page, and we are. Don’t want kids. Don’t plan to have kids. I’m a lot like **Sarahfeena **(and lots of others in this thread) - I like babies, I like to cuddle and coo at them and play with them, and I adore my nieces and nephew (ages from 7 to 5), but I’m not planning on having my own.
Why? Don’t want them, in the first place. When I was little, I had daydreams and playacted my life, and played house and school, and all that, but never once in all of those moments did I ever play at being a mom or having kids. (I also didn’t really ever see myself getting married either, so there is that.) Other reasons are that my husband doesn’t really want to bring another child into this world and I’m afraid I’d be a bad parent. SpouseO and I are also very cognizant of how much having a child would change our lives, and we simply don’t want to change them at this point. We’re really happy.
He’d be a great dad. And he (and other) people have told me I’d be a good mom (but I’m less convinced of that. For no real reason, really. I have issues from my mom - who doesn’t? - but they’re teeny, insignificant issues when compared to some of the stories others on this board have shared. By in large, my parents were and are good parents, and I love them dearly.). We just simply don’t have the interest.
It’s not that I didn’t want kids, it’s just that I figured I’d have a fine life either way. As it happens, no kids. Past 45, no screaming urges to go out an “nurture”. No regrets, either. I don’t understand this “biological clock going off” thing, I have never experienced it.
24, no bio urges yet. I don’t expect them to come. Unlike a lot of childfree people, I don’t have the overwhelming urge to be a pet mama either (although I am thinking about it).
I’ve learned that I get very anxious and panicky (not just nerves, but emergency appointment with psychologist stat! kind of thing) when I’m in a situation where I can’t reason or control a person. By that, I mean, if I was stuck with a cranky, sick, puking toddler screaming its lungs off and literally can’t understand reason I’ll go off the deep end.
I’ll be 50 in a few weeks. I’ve never ever had the desire to be pregnant. Never really had much of a desire to have kids, although I almost ended up with one. I think I’d be a decent parent, but babies make me nervous. I like them after they’re housetrained.
I have 10 nieces and nephews. That’s close enough.
I have always loathed children. To me, they were always the closest to absolute evil that the world has. So I have never wanted to pregnant. I have sometimes found myself in the position of being responsible for a child because their parents were incompetent. It’s not something I enjoy, but I will do it if I have to.
42 (43 in a few weeks), and never really felt the urge – kind of like religion, it was one of those things that I thought I’d understand when I got older, but it just never happened. I like babies just fine, as long as they’re someone else’s. I don’t think people should have babies unless they are absolutely dying to, so I don’t plan to. I’m sleep-deprived enough now! Plus it’s getting to the point where even if I changed my mind, it might not be a good idea for medical reasons.
I have to agree with Manda JO - most of the parents I know planned their kids, and it doesn’t seem to have made them happier or uhappier with their choices. At the risk of starting a big debate, the difference to me seems to be that the happiest parents are the ones who have disciplined their kids, and the kids aren’t running the household (and funnily enough, those kids seem the happiest, too).
At 44 I’ve never felt the urge to have babies, either (a childfree site I visit calls it the Baby Rabies ). I’m not particularly interested in modern kids, either, but on the odd occasion that we encounter children that actually act like small members of society rather than savages, I don’t mind having them around. That just highlights how badly socialized most people’s kids are.
My sister is much more fond of children than I am, and my friend who had “whoa, want babies!” feelings when she’d have a manic period is a teacher and adores her job and helping children and teens.