I’m still in my twenties but will absolutely not be having children.
First off, I don’t want any. I’m not one of those people that hates babies or children. In general, my only thought upon seeing one is “Oh. A small human. Hmm”. I don’t have any fondness for them. I find very little in life to be cute. I don’t need any cuteness around me.
Second, I have no nurturing instinct - if a child within my range of sight does something like trip or fall, for example, I tend to do a cursory physical inspection, see that nothing obvious is damaged, and then look around for their parent. I don’t get that urge to run over and pick up the child and cuddle it and talk in a baby voice or soothe their crying. It’s more like when a vase topples over. Is it broken? Nope? Stand it back up, keep walking.
Third, the thought of childbirth terrifies me. I’m petite. I have narrow hips. Most penises are too large for me. And they’re nothing compared to the size of a child’s head. I have a very high pain tolerance; it’s not the pain that worries me, really. It’s the tearing of my much-beloved-by-me girly parts. I like them as they are. For many many woman, I’m sure that’s a small price to pay for a baby. But not to me. Also I have a bad heart, I’ve never actually asked my doctor about it but I’m sure it would cause some concern.
Also, if there were any reason to add a child to my life, I could not personally justify getting pregnant when there are so many children already out there that need adoption.
But more than anything, I am so happy in life right now; my husband and I are happy together, we want the same things in life, we love to travel, we like to go to nice restaurants; these things are important to me. Nothing gold can stay but I have no desire to actively do anything to change our way of life. Certainly not to spend 16 to 18 years raising anything.
I didn’t have the urge to have kids until about a year ago; it didn’t come screaming, but more of a slow urge creeping up on me. I think it had to do with taking care of my cousin’s 3 year old for a couple of days. I always thought kids were rambunctious and uncontrollable, but my cousin’s kid was just the sweetest little thing who would sit there quietly for hours and draw or read.
At some point during high school, we were shown a birthing video, and my reaction to that was “EW! That’s really what giving birth looks like down there?! NOT doing that, EVER!!!” but I’ve gotten over it because it’s something women have been doing for millions of years, and we have the biological capability of doing it, so I’ve gotten over the squeamish side of pregnancy and birth.
That said, I don’t know if I’ll ever give into that urge and have children, though. My (now-ex) boyfriend and I recently broke up over this. He really wants children, and wanted to get married, and have that house with a picket fence thing right away. I want my independence, and I know that having children means not being able to do what I want, when I want. The money I spend on shoes and clothes will have go towards diapers, formula, college funds, etc. I’m not selfless enough to give that up right now. And one of my conditions of having children is that I would want my husband to be the primary caregiver - he wakes up in the middle of the night to deal with the crying baby, he takes the child to daycare/school, he mingles with the other parents on play dates, and he takes the days off work to deal with a sick child. Ex-boyfriend said “No way, I don’t want to be Mr. Mom”, so that was that.
I’m still young enough (mid-twenties) to find someone who will meet my conditions for child-bearing, but if it doesn’t happen, being child-free is not a big deal.
Yes. I’m 26, single, no kids. I don’t believe in marriage (not for me, anyway). I am notoriously co-dependent with low self-esteem and standards, and in relationships I always end up despising my partner before we get past the year-and-a-half mark.
I felt a strong ticking of my baby-clock for a couple of years (24-25 ish). It’s quieted down since then, but I do still want one “someday” (might end up adopting, and skip the childbirth and bottle-and-diaper-phase). I would never be able to have a child with my current job–daycare is too expensive here and the cost of living is outrageous. I also don’t have family that could help me out. So unless I quit work, went to live with my mom an hour and a half south of here, and sponged off the gubmint, there’s no way it would work out now. I’d abort if I got pregnant, but that’s not an issue because I don’t have periods (PCOS).
As it is, I really REALLY like getting to spend 100% of my money on myself. But I don’t have all that much money, either–currently I take home $400 a week, and I make ends meet, but there isn’t room for many extras after rent and car/insurance/student loan payments. I can’t even afford my own studio apartment, not until my car is paid off in 3 years. If I could get a job paying at least 40k a year and get my own place, I’d start looking into being a purposely-single mom–no getting knocked-up and asking for child support. I’d rather not have kids than deal with baby-daddy drama, and I honestly never see myself getting married.
My long-term plans involve moving someplace with a lower cost-of-living and using my current salary to leverage a higher-paying job in a cheaper area, where my money will go further. But I can’t even start saving to move until my car is paid off.
If I’m lucky, I might have a kid by the time I’m 40. If I’m unlucky, then I’ll never have one–and that would be okay, too. I have very poor relationships with both my parents, who had me and my sister way too young and raised us in a very abusive and under-funded home. If I can’t start a child out the right way (with enough money for more than the barest of essentials), then I won’t have one. I’m not going to risk damaging him/her the way I was damaged.
I’ve had this happen plenty of times. It still does happen at work occasionally – people will start comparing notes, I’ll get the every-so-often “Sorry, we can’t include you” look, and then there’s this giant invisible wall between us.
I’ve gotten the “Oh, really?” arched-eyebrow look, more often than not from someone 10+ older than myself.
I’ve gotten the gushing, “Oh, you can’t mean that, it’s different once you’ve had your own!”, usually from someone either hormonally heightened or from a young mother.
Some looks I’ve gotten are flat-out weird, as though I’m sprouting tentacles along with my 10 heads and fourteen pairs of eyes.
There was a few years in my early 30s that I might have had a child, but I could never get over the amout of time and effort it would take. Some of my friends have kids, and I like spending time with them ocasionally, but I just can’t imagine having one of my own.
Since others with kids have chimed in, I guess I will, too.
I have never felt the biological urge to have a child. I didn’t particularly like kids in my teen/young adult years. I had a life plan and having kids was part of it. When it was time to have kids I went off the pill and got pregnant. I was happy, but it wasn’t like my whole life was fulfilled. I hated being pregnant. I didn’t enjoy breastfeeding. I loved my baby, but only because he was mine. Other peoples babies have never had any effect on me.
I always figured I’d have two because, ya know, that’s what you do when you’re white middle class. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. People kept telling me my body would tell me when it’s ready to have another one, but 13 yrs after my son, it still hasn’t told me. (Really a good thing since I had my tubes tied 9 years ago).
People can be pretty rude (and totally crass) about it.
I had a woman ask me how old my kids were - which I thought was odd since most people ask if you have kids first. When I said I didn’t have any, she said, “Well, WHY not?!”
So, then I told her, while noshing on a hors d’oeuvres, how I had to have my ovaries sucked out . She beat a hasty retreat.
I think you’re lucky too. And I think the child-free population will be one that’s ever-increasing. The more options women have it seems, the less likely it is that they choose to parent.
As badly as I want to be a mom, to my understanding (from observation and with many years of babysitting experience under my belt as well as having helped raise my two sisters) having kids is mostly thankless day-to-day labor lubricated only by a helplessly intense love, sprinkled with a few fulfilling moments and culminating only if you’re lucky in the type of close lifelong relationship that I envy so much. Logically, it doesn’t make much sense. But it’s a totally illogical desire, for me. Which is frustrating in itself!
Lol, as a guy in his early 20s who hasn’t even started college yet, yet alone ever been in any sort of meaningful longterm relationship, I gotta say that all this talk of biological clocks in women has always perplexed me. I mean, you gals say that you’re overcome with this huge drive to have children, but, seriously, what the Hell does that even mean? I mean, is this “child-rearing drive” simply manifested by a strong desire to, y’know, have sex and actually conceive a baby, or is it characterized by a yearning to just nurture something? I always say that kids should be the farthest thing from a person’s mind until she is financially secure enough to take care of both herself & whatever child she may wind up with; so ultimately, I guess, if this “drive” ever gets to be too much, why not just get a cat or something?
Then again, what the Hell do I know?
Also, this discussion does make me think about this woman I know. She tried for years to get pregnant, going so far as to purposely deceive whatever guy she was dealing with at the time (and I’ll let you folks wonder what that means); eventually, yes, she did get pregnant and had a son, but I swear, for the life of me I can’t understand why she even bothered having him. She treats him like a burden all the damn time; seriously, she complains about him all the time, constantly shoves him onto his grandparents or into the homes of other relatives or babysitters, and rarely spends time with him when he is actually with her. Eh, if a woman is going to make her child into some sort of inconvenient accessory, then why have the kid in the first place?
I’m 53 and post-menopausal so it’s not going to happen.
I didn’t want children, even as a kid, and in my early 20s looked for a doctor who would agree to tie my tubes - couldn’t find one.
However, in my mid-thirties my brain switched to “must have baby” mode…I was researching baby names and really, really wanted a child. However, the universe decided I couldn’t have one…I had two miscarriages that landed me in the ER, and then a tubal pregnancy.
I’m at an age now where some of my peers are not only mothers, but grandmothers. (Yikes.) I do trot out the “universe decided I couldn’t have children” thing when it comes up. Which is sort of a shame because I think I would have been a stellar parent, especially considering the many non-stellar parents out there.
2ManyTacos, you’re probably asking the wrong crowd since so many of us simply never had the biological imperative to have kids, but to hear other women describe it, it has very little to do with logic and everything to do with a very basic animal need - the need to reproduce.
Also, your idiot friend sounds like she was in love with the idea of being a mom, and her reality wasn’t even close to her fantasy. Too bad for the kid; he didn’t do anything to deserve a mom like that.
I do agree that there is obviously a basic animal need to reproduce, but we fight basic animal needs all the time; it’s part of being a modern human. When I talk to many of my female friends who are trying to get pregnant, I’m struck by the constant references to wanting to have “a baby”. Now, obviously that’s how kids start out. As babies. But that’s all they talk about - pretty names for the baby. Cute clothes for the baby. Designer nursery for the baby. There seems to be some notion in their head that eventually that baby will be a pain-in-the-ass six year old, or a sullen teenager, or a mooching college student. Obviously women in my mother’s and grandmother’s day had a drive to reproduce, too, but I don’t ever read literature from other times or hear accounts with this intense focus pregnancy as a way of having a cute thing that wears the ittiest bittiest little pair of shoes. I think that when discussing this topic it’s hard to separate the two notions; that of having a child and that of getting a baby.
I did when I was in my 20’s because I felt like I’d be a failure if I didn’t [grew up around a major amount of breeder-brains]. Once I hit 21 and my mental illnesses got worse and worse, I decided that I wasn’t going to pass that hell along to any child.
And the thought of pregnancy and having the kid makes me shudder. I like little ones up to about age 1 but me having one? NO. Besides, I have kids. They’re just not human!
I’ll be 36 on Monday, and I’ve always had the thought “if it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t” as far as having kids goes. I don’t have any strong urge to go reproduce.
I like (most) kids, I love my niece and my boyfriend’s nieces. Several of my friends have kids who I absolutely adore. I even tolerate my co-workers’ kids when they visit. As long as they’re not diseased… But am I itching to have any of my own? Not really.
I thought I might have been pregnant a couple months ago, and I was OK with it. I wasn’t over the moon but I wasn’t pissed off about it either. I figured it would cement my place as the black sheep of the family if I were to be unmarried and pregnant. If you knew my Gran, you’d understand…
My boyfriend thinks he might want kids so I’m not ruling it out entirely. But age and some medical issues might make the whole thing a moot point.
Someone upthread mentioned a birthday on Monday too… ::scans thread:: Ah… happy birthday Monday SeaDragonTattoo!
But it’s a totally illogical desire, for me. Which is frustrating in itself!