Child-free Women Dopers - A Question

[nashiitashii]

@dukette71

I love kids, but I don’t want any of my own. I also feel a strong want to nurture something once in a while, but remember that the fantasy of parenthood is different from the reality. I think I will opt out.

This is a fairly good description of my own feelings toward parenthood. Kids are great and fun, but I get all my nurturing fulfillment through having dogs and helping other people’s kids along. Love my nephew, like working with kids and young adults, but have no interest in being pregnant and less interest in actually having a child.

Edit: As for biological urges, I have none for that. I can squee at cute babies, dogs, cats, etc. but that doesn’t mean I ever want one of my own to keep.

[MandaJo]

@sandra_nz

Yes, I had a conversation with a colleague who was curious as to why I didn’t want children, and he told me that having children gave his life meaning and purpose, with the implication that by not having children, my life had neither of those.

Did he make that implication explicit? I mean, teaching gives my life meaning and purpose, but that doesn’t mean I think everyone who isn’t a teacher is a waste of carbon.

[BDBoop]

@olivesmarch4th

I’m asking this mostly out of pure curiosity.

There was a time, in my early twenties, I wasn’t sure I wanted kids. The idea of losing all that personal freedom wasn’t very appealing.

Right around the time I turned 24 I began warming up to the idea, and putting kids in the long-term plan. And then a couple of years ago… BAM! Completely out of the blue, every cell in my body became primed for childrearing. I was skeptical about the notion of a biological clock until this happened. Since then, the urge to procreate has grown ever stronger, and somedays I’m just overcome with a powerful urge to nurture something (needless to say, my cat has become very spoiled.) It’s beyond weird. I didn’t even used to be that interested in small children, and now it’s like I have baby radar.

So my question is, those of you who are not interested in having children - have you experienced anything like a biological clock urging you to procreate? If so, it is a case of your rational mind overcoming your biological instinct - or do you feel no such instinct?

I guess on a broader level I’m just curious if most women experience this biological urge to have children, or it’s just a few of us. And I wonder if child-free women never have that urge at all.

Thanks,

Christy

Never had it, and I can guarantee that 43 hours of labor made my baby girl an only child.

[BDBoop]

@Nava

Nope. Any mothering needs I had were covered by co-parenting the Bros. Realizing how much of a parent I’d been to them helped me both realize that I’d already “mommy-ed” (BTDT, got the puked-on Tshirt) and that, if I had been a Mom, I might not have done as horrid a job as I used to fear I would (Mom, her sister, their mom, and both of their grandmas, were pretty bad mothers in different ways - from the mild case of letting her good-for-nothing husband run roughshod over her to the worst one of sexually abusing her own children).

My daughter felt the same, ‘helping’ i.e., it was all on her, whether the parental units were home or not my sister raise her deranged lunatics. Therefore, my daughter thought she’d never want children.

She’s pregnant with her 3rd.

[Gala_Matrix_Fire]

I’m 45 and I have never felt a particular urge to have children. On occasion I’ve been so swept away by love or lust that I wanted to have a baby with a certain man, but I’ve never felt pangs at seeing other people’s babies.

I hope I’d love my kids like crazy if I had them, but I don’t have any and I am fine with that.

[Spice_Weasel]

@2ManyTacos

I always say that kids should be the farthest thing from a person’s mind until she is financially secure enough to take care of both herself & whatever child she may wind up with; so ultimately, I guess, if this “drive” ever gets to be too much, why not just get a cat or something?

Then again, what the Hell do I know?

All I can tell you is my own experience. I’ve always been a very education/career-driven individual. Kids were ‘‘adopting someday, probably.’’ I didn’t much think of it beyond that. I’ve never liked kids all that much - they freak me out a little, being so vulnerable and all. But I’ve had kids in my life that I adore beyond words, so I know those kinds of bonds can exist.

When I first began recovering from depression, I wasn’t sure I wanted children at all, ever. I had just gotten the first opportunity to really enjoy the life I was given and I needed to just take care of me for a while. But that gets old. You can only ask yourself ‘‘Am I personally fulfilled?’’ so many times before it gets boring. I don’t need that kind of attention anymore. I’ve done the job of raising myself and now I want to share the love in this household with someone else. Because seriously, what we got up in the Casa de Olives is so awesome, it’d be a shame not to share it.

What I described above is purely psychological. But the biological clock is a total other thing. What I’m talking about is not a desire to have sex, but a desire to nurture and rear another human being. And yes, it is physical, it is absolutely freaking bizarre because I never in my life thought I would go through it. No one in my family had it.
It is a desire for physical and emotional contact and closeness with a child. It has absolutely nothing to do with sex.

As for not having a kid when you’re not ready, I completely agree. I don’t advocate people just have children because they really, really want to. That is something that I have had to come to terms with myself because while I may be psychologically prepared to do this, my husband is not, and we are really not in the optimal financial situation either. So we wait. Because it’s really about what’s best for the child.

I have a cat, by the way. I nurture the hell out of my cat and sometimes it does help. But a cat is not a child. A cat does not transform into a full-fledged human being with its own wishes, hopes, desires. A cat does not form relationships and make mistakes and learn from them and grow and contribute to society. A cat is not a child.

@Dangerosa

Or who plan children and discover that the outcome cannot be planned or controlled.

“What?, you aren’t perfect.”

You make a good point (both you and Manda Jo) regarding the planned/not planned concept. I guess I just got this idea because many children in my family were unplanned. My mother was not at all prepared to become a mother at the age of 18, neither were my aunt or uncle prepared to become parents at age 15 and 16, and it affected the quality of life for all involved. My husband was also unplanned and for a long time felt responsible for his parents’ disastrous marriage. Sr. Olives and I, for the first 4 years of our marriage, used two different forms of birth control every time because we were both that concerned about an unplanned pregnancy.

But in a way I had to confront the inherent risk of having a kid when I first started looking into adoption. So many factors can play into the adoption experience, it’s scary to think of all the ways it can go wrong - but then I realized it’s no different giving birth. Having a kid is just a risk, period. You never know. That’s part of the adventure.

So yeah, I definitely see where you’re coming from there.

@suranyi

I think this is a really important point. Sometimes there is so much animosity between childfree women and women who have or want to have children, it seems like they are not communicating at all. I believe it’s because they really can’t communicate at the most basic level. There is some deep, biological urge to have children that some women get and some women don’t, and there’s no way to communicate what that feels like from one group to the other.

It would be like a straight man and a gay man trying to convince each other to be aroused by a woman or a man. Totally pointless.

I have to wonder if the gap is overstated a bit here. I don’t think it helps to consider we’re so fundamentally different. I’m not really much different now than before I was ready to have kids.

[VitrolicBump]

@gallows_fodder

I’m 33 and have never wanted kids. And the thing is, in contrast with some of the posters here, I really like kids. I’ve worked with elementary school kids and enjoyed almost every moment of it. I like playing with babies and toddlers, and I like talking with older kids. (I loathe teenagers in general, though, go figure.)

But I don’t like being responsible for their safety, I don’t like disciplining them when they’re being assholes, I don’t like having to pay attention to them constantly, I don’t have the energy to keep up with them 24 hours a day with no break and no privacy (kill me now), and I have never, ever, ever in my life thought to myself, “Man, I would love to have one of these of my very own.” On the contrary, I’m relieved I don’t have kids. I see the changes and the sacrifices that my friends have had to make since they’ve had kids, and I think, “Thank GOD I don’t need to worry about that.”

I also am frankly terrified of pregnancy and childbirth.

Ever since I was a child, I’ve told everyone I don’t want children. I’m 30. Doesn’t mean I’m not good with them or don’t like them, I just don’t have the energy or drive. I have epilepsy so I would probably have to burden the father or get a livein nanny to help me get sleep. I see my family loves children, which is great but I really don’t want any. Doesn’t mean I don’t think about what my children would look like but really…I am selfish with my time. I don’t want to lock myself in my bathroom, with a child screaming “MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMYYYYY!” banging on the door while I’m just trying to get me-time.

I think this is funny because apparently my body was programmed to want to get pregnant. My doc has said that while I am not seemingly fertile, my body wants to get pregnant (there are things that happen to my body during ovulation that are quite irritating, literally). But no, psychologically and physically, no. Don’t want a child. My nieces and nephews are fine. If I regret not having children when I’m older, well, I’ll live. I think one thing my parents are worried about is who will take care of me when I get old. lol

[Spice_Weasel]

@VitrolicBump

Ever since I was a child, I’ve told everyone I don’t want children.

Vitriolic Bump? In a thread about being child-free? Love it!

[VitrolicBump]

@suranyi

I think this is a really important point. Sometimes there is so much animosity between childfree women and women who have or want to have children, it seems like they are not communicating at all. I believe it’s because they really can’t communicate at the most basic level. There is some deep, biological urge to have children that some women get and some women don’t, and there’s no way to communicate what that feels like from one group to the other.

It would be like a straight man and a gay man trying to convince each other to be aroused by a woman or a man. Totally pointless.

It’s not just between childfree women and women who have/want children, it’s between just people like this. I don’t want any and my bro and sis barely contact me and we live close. When we are together, I can tell there is a thick fog around, like pea soup. It’s like we have nothing in common…why talk? Quite frustrating.

[Laggard]

@kushiel

24, no bio urges yet. I don’t expect them to come. Unlike a lot of childfree people, I don’t have the overwhelming urge to be a pet mama either (although I am thinking about it).
.

It’s truly amazing how many times we’ve heard this from acquaintances only to find out they eventually sold out and had kids.

My wife has a half dozen punk rock expat friends who swore up and down that they never wanted kids but are now in the midst of motherhood.

[saffsez]

"But I don’t like being responsible for their safety, I don’t like disciplining them when they’re being assholes, I don’t like having to pay attention to them constantly, I don’t have the energy to keep up with them 24 hours a day with no break and no privacy (kill me now), and I have never, ever, ever in my life thought to myself, “Man, I would love to have one of these of my very own.” On the contrary, I’m relieved I don’t have kids. I see the changes and the sacrifices that my friends have had to make since they’ve had kids, and I think, “Thank GOD I don’t need to worry about that.”

I also am frankly terrified of pregnancy and childbirth."

Totally my thoughts about this, too. I’m 33 and I value my own time way to much to take care of someone else 24/7.

[VitrolicBump]

@olivesmarch4th

Vitriolic Bump? In a thread about being child-free? Love it!

Lol, no OM4; if you notice, it’s not spelled vitriolic…

[Spice_Weasel]

@VitrolicBump

Lol, no OM4; if you notice, it’s not spelled vitriolic…

Okay, it was almost the perfect thread/username combo.

Now I have to know what your username means.

[aruvqan]

49 and never wanted any kids. Pregnant 3 times, would have accepted having kids but totally unable to carry without my body shutting down.

I really do not like kids until they are housebroken and coherent. Hell, I don’t actually like puppies or kittens, I prefer adult animals. Oddly enough I have functioned just fine with 6 goddaughters, though it is probably because I know I can give them back at the end of the day/weekend/vacation.

mrAru and I had discussed it, and had agreed that if he wanted kids we could adopt one or two but we had to have a nanny. I have a temper that has a long slow burn with a violent explosion at the end of it and I do not want to be one of those abusive moms that kids end up in therapy about.