This is an interesting thought. I have never been on hormonal birth control, and I have been baby-crazy for over a decade.
what **Annie **said, and I’m a year younger.
51 years old and have never felt the urge to have a baby. Babies sort of freak me out. When everyone else is oohing and ahhing over a new baby, I feel nothing.
Now… show me a puppy or foal or kitten or baby wombat and I turn to mush. But a *human *baby? Not so much. Even when I was a little girl and all the other little girls were playing ‘mama’ to their dolls, I was more likely to be playing with my model horses or riding my bike pretending it was a horse. (are you seeing a pattern here?)
Sometimes now, I sorta wish I had an adult child or 2, I get damned lonely. I think I would have been a good mom. But it’s too late to start thinking about it now.
Every once in a while I get an urge, usually around the time I am ovulating, but I have never had a desire to have kids. Any urge I feel to have a kid feels more like obligation, my husband and I are pretty well adjusted and intelligent and feel like we should pass some genes on. But for the most part I have gone from “maybe 5 years from now” to “maybe 10 years from now” to “well, I really like having extra time and money and nice things, so maybe never”. My husband has gone through a similar internal dialogue.
I’m a 29 year old woman who has the baby rabies after thinking for years that I’d never want to have children. For me, the drive to have children is completely different from my sexual drive. I just got started on a new form of birth control, so I can assure you that I do not have sex in order to reproduce.
I do think sex drive is a good comparison though, because the needs are both consuming and animalistic. There isn’t a lot of logic behind it. I mean, you can use logic to pick your partners and chose how and when to engage in sex, but you still really want to do it so much that it can distract your thoughts. I’m in a long distance relationship with my husband at this point in time and, while I’m not to the point of spending time and money to get to him so I can sex him, I still spend a lot of my time thinking about it and wishing I could be with him. If I found out I could never have sex with him again, I’d be devastated.
Similarly if I found out I could never have a child, I’d be devastated, but I’m not to the point where I’m trying to get pregnant (in fact, I’d be horrified if I did now). If I found out I could never have children, I’d probably get over it in time, but it would be difficult. Thoughts of children constantly enter my mind, even though I hate most other people’s kids. I went with a friend to a museum yesterday and I kept thinking about how fun it would be to take my future kids there, and I couldn’t wait to teach them all about dinosaurs and animal classification. I’m not into babies per se, and I’m going to do my best not to become a parent who only lives for their child, but I really feel I’d be missing something important if I didn’t pass on my genes.
Another important aspect of my baby rabies is that it really centers around my husband. My husband thought he’d never want to have kids, but he’s changed his mind over time and now seems to have a bit of the baby rabies himself. I work with capuchins and one of my favorite capuchins recently died. I was absolutely crushed and the only thing that made it better was we later found out he’d secretly fathered two babies! The idea of someone I love dying and just being gone is hard for me to take. I know that siblings pass on genes as well and all that, but it isn’t the same for me. One of the sons looks and acts just like his dad, which makes it all the more precious.
I think trying to explain baby rabies to someone who doesn’t have them is like trying to explain sexual desires to someone who doesn’t have them.
You sound like a couple whom I know very well.Profressional people, successful, suave and disdainful of “baby factories”
and very uncomfortable around kids. Then one day when the wife is 39; BAM she discovers she is pregnant; 4 months in. She give birth to an adorable baby boy. Did’nt change them much thogh, they seemed just as disdainful of the whole matter until two years later when twins were born. Having a brood of their own has mellowed them considerably; they went on a business trip to Europe recently and I remember they asked my mother what thet should do with the kids; (now 7 and 5). Take them along was the advice and from what I heard they had a great time.
Just sayin; best laid plans and all.
43 year old woman here with one son, born when I was 40. I never heard the ticking or ringing of my biological clock. When I was 37, I got into a depression, and in an attempt to do whatever I could to get out of it, I left my common-law husband, married my current husband, and had a baby with him. Also because he wanted a child very badly and I knew that at thirty eight, postponing was no longer an option. It all worked out well, but I think that once my depression cleared, I would also have been happy childless. With my son, life is certainly more tiring, it is interesting in a different way then being childless would have been. I look forward to my son growing older so we can co on little adventures together.
40 and childless. I thought at points that I would probably decide to have kids at some point, but I never did, never felt even a twinge throughout my marriage.
I don’t mind kids. I don’t want any.
The clock ticking in my ear is deafening.
I was pregnant at the age of 23 and after carrying it for 8 weeks I lost it to an ectopic pregnancy. He (I didn’t know that sex but I like saying he vs it) would have been 9 years old in June.
I was married at one point and we were at the part where we were trying to have kids, but realized that we didn’t make a good fit and divorced before any children were created. I was 29 when the divorce became final.
I have two siblings, both women, that each have had a baby in the last year. Their first.
Now I am 33 years old and in a relationship that won’t lead to kids, even though I want them horribly.
All this, in my mind, makes me feel considerably old because I want kids and I feel that if I keep wasting time I am not going to have them. Not to mention that many people say that after 35 it becomes harder to get pregnant.
So my current frame of mind is, “BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY” to the point that I have talked about having one out of wedlock or if I become single, meeting up with some random guy to get pregnanut.
Let me be clear though, I would never do the last paragraph. If I am ever to have a child, I want to be married and in a healthy relationship. Though my body feels like it is saying, “Fuck it! Lets have a kid!! Now!” I don’t know if it is the hormones with getting older or because my sisters have infants and I don’t. I don’ t understand it myself. I just know that, about 2 weeks every month, I have all these warm and fuzzy feelings about babies. I want one and I want one now.
I don’t like the sense of urgency that it is making me feel. It is scaring me and making me feel like one of those going out of business sales, “For a limited time only!!” :rolleyes:
as far back as i can remember i have not wanted children. mark me as one of the “don’t want one, don’t need one, don’t to see/hold/hear you talk about yours”. My standard reply to the question is “Children need stuff like food, clothes, time, attention, and love - none of which i am prepared to give”
I’ve never wanted children, and like many of the other posters here who share that lack of desire, I don’t particularly enjoy being around infants/toddlers. I have never felt the urge to reproduce, and in fact, I am so terrified of motherhood that I have basically zero sex drive. Despite the success rate of multiple types of birth control used correctly and in concert, all I can think about are the statistically rare but utterly horrifying failures and how terrible it would be to fall pregnant. I know that I could just have an abortion and I don’t expect that I would feel guilty or conflicted about that in the slightest, were it to actually happen, but that doesn’t prevent my brain from shutting down any idea of sex.
Maybe if I could find a doctor to tie my tubes/remove my uterus despite my childlessness (and seriously? “You’ll change your mind” or “Best laid plans…” are so very, very condescending, it amazes me that doctors in this modern age can still say those things without repercussion), I could relax and enjoy this sex thing, but as it is, yuck, no thanks :-/
I’m 51 and have never had a strong urge to reproduce. I briefly wanted to have a baby after marrying my second husband. The notion was more, “Wouldn’t your genes combined with my genes be just a little bit of awesome!” rather than, “Babybabybabybabybaby.”
Also, all of my close friends either never had children or had older kids. I was never exposed to the whole infant thing and frankly, I’m not all that oogy around them even today.
I’m 22, which I know is young, but I have never wanted kids in my life. I switch between tolerating and outright hating their presence, and I can’t imagine a “biological clock” changing my mind for me. What maternal instinct I have goes towards cute animals.
This… is a really good analogy. (An extremely similar thing happened to me when I had a bout with very-mild hypothyroidism, before which I was disgustingly upbeat and happy all the time.) Thank you, Anaamika.
As for the OP, I have a kid, but put me down as one of the people who got mildly more interested in children as I got older, like, instead of “Babies are bags of poop and spit!” I was more like, “Babies are cute bags of poop and spit but don’t ask me to hold one, I might drop it!” But when I had my own, well, it’s different… she’s really awesome.
I love kids, but I don’t want any of my own. I also feel a strong want to nurture something once in a while, but remember that the fantasy of parenthood is different from the reality. I think I will opt out.
Also, I think too much is made of the “biological imperative” to have kids. I really doubt our caveman ancestors sat around wanting babies. Sex, yes, babies, not so much of an instinctive need. We live in a society where there is pressure to have kids. Some even say that your life is pointless without children. So as women get older they have “baby rabies”, but it isn’t biological.
I’ve heard that, too. It doesn’t even make sense; if you’re a successful parent, your kids grow up and become completely independent in their 20’s - does your life become pointless again?
I love babies, anyone’s babies. If I had the money <and time and dedication> I’d definitely be in obstetrics, no doubt about it. The whole process fascinates the HELL out of me. But I’ve never felt an overwhelming urge to have a child of my own. It’s the ‘my’ part that doesn’t matter to me, as the idea of having one with a beloved completely flips my lid in a good way every time I’m hooked up with someone long-term. I’ve entertained the notion of being a ‘baby mama’ for my sister, and another friend, when it appeared they might not be able to carry on their own. The idea of being pregnant and giving birth is an experience I’ve always wanted to try.
But…I’m female. I can have a kid pretty much any time I want, and I’ve always known that. And still…nope. I’ve been careful, and I’ve been lucky, and haven’t had to face the notion of having a child on my own, and that’s a good thing, 'cause I don’t want one. Not like that. I don’t think I’m old-fashioned…quite far from it, hehe…but raising a child simply isn’t something I’ve ever wanted to do by myself, and my brain has overriden my sometimes-beleaguered emotions and hormones on the matter. Marriage first; then baby<ies>.
As it happens, I didn’t marry <legally> until I was 44; if my sweetie had wanted to have a child, I most certainly would have relished the idea, even at this age. But the fact that he already has two and really doesn’t want to start another family so late has dampened any emminent desire to have a kid at this point. And…yeah. It’s a more tiring thought to entertain at this age, I admit. So, no. Nothing overwhelming. I really enjoy everyone else’s babies, though 
Just…don’t want one right now, and can’t foresee it ever being an option at this point. My brain doesn’t often check in with the rest of me regarding relationships, but on this, it’s the alpha decider. And…I’m probably better off for that. 
As someone who works with nonhuman primates, I strongly disagree. In many species, including our close relatives, a great deal of juveniles females (and males in some species) are obsessed with babies and will beg/steal them if they can. I once spent a few days working with a capuchin group where, at least once an hour, we’d hear a piercing scream and we’d see a young female, Pod, shrieking at her mother who’d just given birth to a new baby. Pod really wanted to hold that infant and her mother wouldn’t let her. Now, a year later, Pod has her own baby and she couldn’t be happier.
In some species, the young females love the babies so much that they’ll steal them and even end up killing them as they can’t properly feed them. This obsession with babies continues into adulthood for many of the ladies. One rhesus macaque gave birth to twins and a jealous female in her group, not content with her new baby, stole another one so she’d have two as well. In this case, social pressures probably added to it, and I do not deny that there are social contributions that cause women to want to have children, but you can’t deny the strong biological urges.
Not all females are obsessed with babies, however. One of my favorite monkeys, Dante, was never very interested in babies. When she had her first, Virgil, she didn’t care for him properly and s/he later died. I’ve heard she’s pregnant again, but I imagine she’ll be one of those mothers that seems to do it out of duty rather than because she’s interested in babies.
Yes, I had a conversation with a colleague who was curious as to why I didn’t want children, and he told me that having children gave his life meaning and purpose, with the implication that by not having children, my life had neither of those.
I asked him if he had felt his like was meaningless and purposeless before he had children. He had to admit he didn’t.
I think we attribute meaning and purpose to the things we do in life, regardless of what they are. When someone is a parent, a large proportion of what they do is related to being a parent, therefore that is what they feel is meaningful and purposeful in their lives.
Thanks for that fascinating post, kimera. I just read a book about empathy in non-human primates by Frans de Waal, and your post gives yet another insight in the biological roots of such statistics like this one: In the Netherlands, one in five (higher educated) women aged 45 will have remained childless.