Would you take a child to a wake for someone they didn’t remember knowing? Would it make a difference if the wake were open casket or not, if the deceased showed no outward signs and merely appeared to be sleeping? Would it make a difference if the one who had passed on were old or young? Let’s assume you would not be there longer than two hours, the child would be well behaved and not impose on the other guests, and you have no standard childcare options because everyone else you know will also be attending the wake. How would you approach it and most importantly WHY.
I think it would totally depend on the child and the child’s age.
I took my son to a distant aunt’s funeral when he was 6 because he had asked me some questions about death. I thought this would be a good first experience for him so that when closer relatives passed away it might not be as scary to him.
About a year later a very close relative died and my son was better able to cope with what all he was going to see and how people reacted to death.
I agree that the kid’s age and the closeness of the relative or friend have everything to do with it. We put my mom’s ashes to rest when my niece was five. We explained cremation to her and she looked into the ash jar and asked where mom’s nose was! I snorted so hard I nearly blew mom all over the kitchen floor!
However, I think I was 12 before I attended a wake or funeral. I’m not real big on the whole funeral thing to begin with, so I don’t think it’s a bad idea to leave kids home. In many cases.
Let me add…if I knew there might be people present who would really throw out their emotions then I might give more thought to taking my children.
For example: When my grandfather passed away my aunt (his only daughter) literally could not control herself. She yelled. She cried. She draped herself over the coffin. She had to be physically restrained as they lower him into the ground.
I am not very open with my emotions and seeing this was almost scary to me and I was an adult. I can only imagine how a child might react.
A boy I knew in school died when we all were 11. I wanted desperately to go to his funeral but my parents would not allow me to go. I remember wanting to see a dead person and how they looked. I had never been to a funeral before.
Kids are curious. A funeral of a relative or someone they aren’t extremely close with might help put to ease some of their questions and concerns.
We had to bring our daughter to a wake/funeral when she was a little older than two.
Her great grandma died suddenly and we all went to New Jersey for the wake/funeral. She was pretty oblivious to the whole thing. She did find great grandma in the casket to be scary so we kept her away from there. As family we had to attend two days worth of wakes and the funeral and some extra meal centered events. I am very pleased at how well she behaved through the whole thing.
The only reason we took her was because we had no other option. Also, as morbid as this sounds, great grandma’s funeral was probably the only time some people in the family will have ever seen my daughter in person. There would have been a lot of strife if we had left her home.
I see nothing wrong with it as long as the child isn’t bothering anybody and is able to understand the funeral concept.
I took my son to his Great grandmother’s funeral because his babysitter was there and I had no other choice. There were a few snide comments that I shouldn’t have brought him, but only because it was a long ordeal and he along with the other kids got bored. I didn’t take him to my mom’s funeral, and the people there were shocked, (he’d only met her once, and it was long drive).
I don’t have any problem with it at all. But then, I don’t really understand the American phobia of death and how we deal with it in general. Why would going to a funeral be a big deal if all things eventually die, and dying is a part of life? (These are my rhetorical questions, mostly to myself.)
As kids, we were taken to several funerals from a very early age. I remember the first one I was at when I was about 3. Frankly, I recall respecting all the adults around me more profoundly because they could deal with something so serious and so obviously upsetting. It sounds weird, but I think it was a bonding experience for me to my dad and my grandmother.
As others have said, it depends on the age/maturity of the child and the customs surrounding the funeral.
Judaism, for example, doesn’t have a wake or any open-casket services. As such I might sooner bring a child to such a service than to an open-casket one. OTOH, in Jewish funerals (and maybe in non-Jewish ones too, I’ve never attended one), the mourners actively participate in the burial (shoveling the dirt into the grave). That might be a bit more traumatic for children than a simple graveside service. Likewise burying an urn of ashes might be much less traumatic to a child than a full-size coffin.
My first funeral was my great-grandmother’s when I was 11. I went to the service at the funeral chapel, but not to the burial. The first actual burial I attended was my grandfather’s when I was 23. Having been there, I am actually glad that I did not have to participate in that until I was a full-grown adult.
Zev Steinhardt
I have no problem taking a child to a funeral provided that they understand that the occaision is NOT good time to start playing. When my uncle died of Alzheimer’s last year, my cousins (then 12 and 10, respectively), attended the viewing and were at the graveside service. In the middle of the graveside service, they started playing around the casket and began throwing dirt in the grave and yelling and screaming and laughing. The rabbi there was appalled, and their parents, who practice “progressive” child rearing, did nothing to stop them, so it was up to the rabbi and their grandmother, who was grieving for her dead husband, to physically restrain them. When they tried, my cousin (the 10-year-old), kicked her grandmother in the shin! :eek: It was an absolutely disgusting display, and I think largely the fault of the parents, who do not believe in punishing their children (instead of grounding or sending them to their rooms, they reason with them, and have since they were babies - it doesn’t work, either).
On the other hand, I went to a funeral once where there were younger children (maybe 6 or 7 years old), and they were quite well-behaved. During the viewing, they played board games quietly downstairs in the family lounge until the service, which was fairly short, and they managed to sit through the whole thing quietly and without incident.
Interesting thoughts so far… I don’t want to comment too much because I want to stay on the fence and see what kind of replies show up from both sides. Please don’t forget to say WHY you feel the way you do, rather than just what you would do, if possible, please.
No one has mentioned if the age of the deceased matters. If it was an older child who died in an accident, would that affect your decision? Would open casket with no visible injury stop you from bringing the child where you otherwise would have and WHY?
If literally all of the family the child has ever known will be there, does that make a difference in your decision?
I would definitely take my kids to any sort of funeral or death service. They are very well-behaved, and I would see it as an opportunity for them to get started on having a healthy attitude about death. I would hope that they would be able to go to the funeral of someone that they had not known well to start off with.
I attended my Grandmothers’ funeral when I was three (1973 was a busy year for the Reaper in my famliy), and I don’t remember a thing about the funeral. I only know I was there because of the pictures. If you’re worried about the childern being scarred, don’t.
overlyverbose - The children at your uncle’s funeral should have been shot. Ten and twelve are ages where they should definitely have known better.
No
Yes. Deceased people do NOT look like they are just sleeping to anyone, not even young children. I would not try to deceive a child and say that a deceased person is sleeping.
No, it would depend on the childs age and relationship to the person.
I would not take a young child to the funeral and or wake of someone they did not know no matter how well behaved the child can be. Funerals are a memorial ritual for the living friends and family of the deceased person, a child unaquainted with the deceased should not be expected to attend and sit still and quiet for two hours watching others grieve an unknown person.
That said, were it the funeral of a close family member, friend or classmate I would and have take(n) a child(ren) to the funeral, because the child would be among those grieving and a valid participant of the funeral or life celebration.
When our young son died he and his brothers friends and children of friends of the family were specifically invited. The music for the service was familiar to the children, the speakers were asked to address their remarks primarily to the children and the children were invited to participate by sharing memories or expressions of affection and the food at the luncheon/wake was kid friendly.
I meant to mention ages, the deceased child was a toddler and the children ranged in age from two on up. The majority of the children were about 5-6 the age of our older son. The children in that were classmates had been prepared what to expect and been given simple instructions on how to behave by their teacher and in some cases parents mentioned that they had brief simple visits with the kids about what a funeral is, what might happen, how others might behave and how they were expected to behave. The casket was closed.
The oldest later attended my grandmothers funeral. The casket was open. The ages at Great-Grandmothers funeral ranged from infant to adulthood with virtually all of the children being related in one way or another.
With our surviving son, (no deaths of family or friends prior to the death of our younger son) if he knew the person that died we always gave him the option and he always opted to go. If he did not go, I simply told him I was attending the funeral of someone he had not met and made arrangements for him to have a play date with a friend while I was away.
AbbySthrnAccent I am very sorry for the loss of your young son.
I would never, ever tell a child someone who had died was sleeping. I only meant to say that the body will not be disfigured or showing injury.
My son is 4 and very even-tempered in that he doesn’t scare easily. He had never had a nightmare that I am aware of, no night terrors or anything. The deceased is my second cousin - my aunt’s granddaughter. She was 14 and died because she was horsing around with her older brother, a skateboard, and a car. I am part of a very large extended family - somewhere around 100 of us descended from my father’s mother, including spouses. We believe in bringing children to wakes and funerals - near as I can tell, the unsaid feeling is that it shows family solidarity. To me, a wake is about comforting the survivors. In the case of my family, children bring comfort because they show hope, even if they don’t get what is going on or can’t remember meeting the person in question. I know because this is not the first child in the family to die tragically - my dad’s other sister lost a 3 year old graddaughter in a car accident on Christmas Eve 2002.
Bringing my son is not an issue to the others present - all the family will - he will be one of about 25 children under 14, and they are a very well behaved bunch. While he probably can’t remember this specific cousin, he will know several of those in attendance and will be related to all of them.
The reason I posted this thread is because my father seemed to think my son shouldn’t be allowed into the room with the casket as it will be open, but that it would have been ok if the casket were closed, and that we should devise some plan to watch the kids in the hall to protect them from that view. My son has already been to two funerals. He was 2.5 years old at the time of the other cousin’s death, but it was closed casket. While we talked about it a little, I am quite sure he didn’t really get it, but he behaved. The hardest part for him was seeing everyone he knew upset and crying and wanting to know why. The wake was the day after Christmas. It was sudden. I took it very hard as it was my favorite cousin’s daughter, and the girl was only 6 months older than my son. Putting myself in my cousin’s shoes, I just didn’t know how she could carry on, especially since her other daughter was still in a coma and we didn’t know if she would pull through (she did.) That was a truly emotionally charged wake.
He more recently attended a wake with me for my boss’s mother about 6 months ago. We only stopped by for maybe 15 minutes. She was elderly and very ill, so it was no surprise to anyone there, so the show of emotions was rather subtle. He knew no one else there besides my boss. My boss had spent lots of time with my son prior to the event and liked him, so she was pleased he came along as she had not seen him in a while. I did go up to the open casket to say a prayer for her and brought him with me. He asked some questions, which I answered honestly and we left.
Zev made the same kind of distinction about the open casket as well, but didn’t say why. I seem to be missing something about why that would be traumatic more so than anything else. In the several funerals I have attended in my life, I always preferred it open – it gave me a better feeling of finality, that it was really them and seeing them helped me get closure. Yes, it forced me to deal with it then and there, but better to deal than to repress, right? Seeing how she is not disfigured and my son had no emotional attachment, I don’t see why it would impact him at all one way or the other, especially since it is not his first wake.
I do however, worry about what else might be going on around him aside from the casket. My aunt, the girl’s grandmother, who my son does know very well, will not be taking it well. I think it will be more upsetting for my son to be in a room full of people he knows and loves who are all crying than it would be for him to see the open casket of a girl he barely remembers, if at all. So I must be missing something.
I think that death is just a part of life and that it is better to expose a typical child to death when it occurs rather than trying to shield them from it, pretty much regardless of age, but not without total disregard for their level of sensitivity. Some kids are more easily worried / upset than others. But for the average child, you never know when someone they are closer to might die, and if they learn to deal with death in smaller doses, maybe it will help later if they experience a big loss. Plus, with all the fictional violence kids are exposed to through pop culture, I think it is good for kids to understand that pretend dead and real dead are two very different things. I think the cause and effect is also good to help stave off the tendency of adolescents to feel that they are invincible. It helps to see other people pay consequences. But I realize that it is just my opinion.
Well, off to the wake. My son is coming with, but I still don’t know if he will be in the hall the whole time or if he will go up to the casket to pray with me.
Thanks Thinks, it was quite awhile ago and we are living with it.
I realize you’ve left and it is all moot but, now that you’ve given more specifics, I think I feel differently and would like to comment further.
I agree that your child will probably be ok at the funeral as long as you’ve talked with him quietly and alone in advance about what’s going to happen and what you expect of him. Maybe even giving him a little job if he wishes, like putting a purse pack of tissues in each of his pockets and explaining that if he wants to comfort someone that he cares about that is crying he can offer them a tissue and pat them on the hand or hug, whatever is appropriate in your family.
I think the reason you’re getting some concern hear in the thread and with your Dad over open casket, isn’t so much about your son (or ours or anyone elses) but about how other people might be reacting, in particular in a viewing.
People vary widely in how they behave at a viewing or funeral. I have been at viewings where as people approached the open casket they fell yelling and sobbing and screaming into the casket. I would not take my son if I thought there was a chance that he would witness it.
To be honest most kids are curious to see a dead person, some even want to touch and guess what? That’s ok. They want to see if it looks like it hurts or be sure there was not a “mistake”. The difficultly or concern is protecting your child from other peoples potentiallly frightening grief responses and making sure that in your attempt to teach your child about death, grieving and grief rituals that you don’t hurt someone elses feelings. For example, allowing him to touch her hand in the casket if it’s going to cause someone else to fall apart or take offense.
In our family funerals are for saying goodbye, but only for a time. They are a chance to remind our kids that mortality is only one part of our existence and that even though we are sad because we are going to miss the person physically and their emotional presence in our lives, we are glad to have loved this person and known them.
What I think is that really, you will know best and that whatever you do will be the right thing. I think most the time that we as parents are doing the right thing as long as we are trying to think what is best for our child and remember to remain calm, gentle and with simple honest answers to their questions.
Bingo. Death is a concept that’s understandably daunting to introduce a child to, but IMO it depends on the child, and how the funeral will present it to a child.
I wouldn’ t sweat funeral etiquette much beyond general guidelines, e.g. don’t run, don’t play, be as quiet as you can and stay by me. I’ve been to too many funerals where adults didn’t behave all that well, for whatever reason but that’s another issue.
As far as explaining why, that depends on how much a child can absorb, even in limited form. And that’s keeping in mind very little of the adult world makes a whole lotta sense to kids. Often the smallest child can understand sadness, though, even though they don’t get all the implications. It’s a start.
FWIW, somehow the various funerals in my life have turned out to be inadvertant comedies, starting from the very beginning. I mostly remember my mom’s inexplicable nervousness over my first funeral. My parents were still married, so I was younger than 5. A neighbor, husband and father, had been killed in a plane crash. It was a huge tragedy amongst the neighbors. It was also guaranteed to be a closed casket service, which I’m sure factored into mom deciding to take me along. The place was also packed.
We paid our respects, me somewhat confused but sad because everyone else was. (Kids really are “nature’s gentlemen” sometimes, very open hearted about sharing sadness.) The services were so crowded overflow sections were quickly opened where we ended up being seated. Which had an open casket with an old lady laid out at the back.
I mainly remember that mom gave me a pen and paper to draw on during the service. (She was notoriously strict but “don’t fidget, don’t make a fuss” was always mitigated by quiet occupations.) I noticed the corpse before mom did, leaned over and whispered–whispering was okay-- "Why is that lady asleep?, and was nonplussed by mom’s sudden flusterment. All her careful planning and care blown kerphlewey.
I haven’t the faintest recollection of what she said. Sorry. But I wasn’t scared, traumatized or upset. Mom was right beside me and I was safe, so the it just got chalked up to one more weird things grown ups did.
By the time my grandmother died–whom I loved, when I about 8–the basic outlines had sunk in enough that it wasl wrenchingly sad without being traumatic. She was old, had lived in a wheelchair for most of her adult life and often just plain hurt. She looked…peaceful and finally released from pain.
I have no idea if that helps, thinks. As Zev said, probably most of it depends on the child and the circumstances. FWIW I’d never force a child to a funeral just because they “ought” to be there. It all depends on the what the child’s able to handle, with immediate, appropriate support right at hand. Every child grows up into an adult who must face death of loved ones, and death him/her self. I’d wager the general approach depends on adults guide them into the knowledge.
Veb
Thanks to one and all for your responses. Veb, even though you posted after the fact, I did still appreciate your response as your experience was at about my son’s age and familiarity with the deceased.
We talked the whole way to the funeral about what he should expect. We talked about all the people he knew who would be there, which he was excited about. But I told him that everyone would be very sad and that he would have to be quiet and there would be no playing and no goofing around. That he should whisper if he wanted to talk.
We stood in line for well over an hour to pay our respects. My immediate family had gotten there before me, so he went and sat with them here and there, but he always talked in a whisper - even when others spoke to him who weren’t whispering. He remembered to whisper the whole two hours no matter what was going on - it was really quite amusing. He isn’t usually a touchy feely kid - he rarely hugs and kisses much of anyone, but he unabashedly hugged relatives he had never met before - he cheered up a lot of older relatives since he was being so nice to everyone because they were sad. I was very proud of him. He wasn’t stand-offish at all, when normally he would have been feeling a bit overwelmed by so many strangle people (I am no crowd person, either - I think he socialized better than I did).
He did go up to the casket with me when the time came. He just stood there quietly. He didn’t even ask any questions at that point. We talked alot after the last wake for my boss’s mother, and I guess he figured he knew everything he cared to know. So it went well. No one was offended, he cheered a few older folks up, and I don’t think he was traumatized at all. No one was hysterical either - we missed the prayer service which was really grim, I hear, and that was when the worst of it occurred.
So, again, thank you to everyone for the discussion.
I’m so glad it went well and you were proud of how well he did this evening.
Best wished to you and your family during this difficult time.
It sounds like it all went quite well, Thinks. I’m glad. Your boy wasn’t frightened or unduly puzzled, family was comforted by his presence–and that’s huge, the immediate, kind reminder of the future–and all honors met.
I think you’re a great parent, who’s rearing a great kid.
Veb