A friend of Little Miss was killed this weekend (murdered, actually ). Both are eight years old.
I am opposed to taking her to the funeral. I personally believe she is too young to understand the pomp and circumstance. Also, the child that was slain was not a close friend per se, but a schoolmate last year. And, because of the situation there will be MANY family members there and the media, etc. I would rather we visit the grave after the funeral-maybe sometime next week.
Her dad thinks otherwise. He believes she should go to the funeral, experience the whole thing.
Can I get your opinions?
(mods, if this is not thge correct area of the board for this thread, please feel free to move it. Thank you)
If she’s only eight years old, there is no way that she will understand everything that is going on. However, I would still take her. Let her watch the whole thing and ask you questions later. She is probably grieving right now, but just doesn’t know it. Going to the funeral might help her through that.
It is really tough for me to offer an opinion without knowing your daughter. Does she understand death? Is she emotionally stable enough right now and mature enough to handle the implications?
Obviously, the decision is up to you and your husband as you two know her the best. As for me, I can see both sides. On one hand, you want to shelter her from what is obviously a painful experience. On the other, death is a fact of life and she should not be sheltered from it forever. Helping her to come to terms with the horrors that sometimes happen is a necesary step in teaching her how to deal with life, but only if she is ready.
I would take her, if she knew the girl and wanted to go. You should ask her; granted she is young and may not understand-if she really does want to go then take her.
Fully understand what, exactly? That death happens, and that it hurts others, and people come together to recognize and deal with that hurting? If that’s the case, well, kids vary between individuals–at age eight, I probably didn’t have as “deep” an understanding as I did later, but the basic gist, yes.
If it’s not understanding whatever narrative theological bric-a-brac thrown into such things, I’m not sure I understand that to this day.
So, another vote for the always-helpful “it depends.”
Thank you for your responses so far.
She understands the concept of death, we’ve had some ‘great’ discussions about it after her rabbit died. We’ve also talked about why her family is so “small”-much death in the past 10 years of greatgrandparents, great aunts/uncles. We’ve discussed the people in pictures around our house that she will never know and how their deaths have affected our family.
She’s been to a family members funeral before, but was bored silly.
The family member died of natural causes, was elderly, etc.
There wasn’t none of the drama I foresee here.
I guess that’s my biggest worry. The drama. The media.
Dad says the media isn’t a ‘big deal’. I disagree. It will interrupt her ability to greive the loss of a friend.
At this point she knows her friend died. She is sad that he will not be in her room next year. We’ve talked about what fun he was (he was a riot-a very rambunctious little kid). She pulled out her class picture and “talked” with him.
But whether or not we will attend the funeral has not been discussed with her yet.
It sounds like she is a pretty smart eight year old. I don’t have any kids, so this might sound stupid…but I would ask her if she wants to go, or if she would rather go to the gravesite in private and (insert her/your preference…say a prayer, take a moment, leave a note…whatever)
The media is a detraction, though. I would carry her in (quickly) if there seems to be a large presence.
I vote to take her. Sounds like she would benefit from the ritual, and can chalk up the media to more “stupid grown-ups”.
(you have had that discussion, right?)
It sounds like any religious trappings would be familiar to her - if not, explain (beforehand) that different people have different ideas of god (yes, big assumption. sorry if it is incorrect).
I don’t know about your daughter, but I would lean towards taking my children at that age.
I could imagine phrasing it in terms of “a chance to say good-bye” one last time. I also think, if you don’t go, you won’t have an opportunity to do so in the future. I would be more comfortable handling questions my kids might have about the funeral, than if they asked me, “Why didn’t you let me go?”
Also, I suspect that my kids (and it sounds like yours) are unlikely to be “permanently scarred” but the experience of attending the funeral.
It might be useful to plan an “exit strategy” if your kid gets upset or if anything gets ugly.
I also just about always come down firmly on the side of being open and honest with my kids, even if the truth is unpleasant or scary. (Actually, I do filter what I intentionally expose my kids to. There is so much ugliness in the world that my kids will have to be aware of and deal with all to soon. For example, we did not tell them of the OK City bombing when it happened. But if they ask a quesion of it, we answer as best we can. In your case, where the deceased is a personal friend instead of an event affecting strangers in a place away from home, obviously certain matters ought to be addressed.)
I could imagine telling my kids that the media and/or crowds showed how many people loved and missed their friend, and how horrible it was that they were no longer with us. I also think wakes/funerals serve a purpose in emphasizing the finality of death, and conversely, the value of life. (This comes from an atheist with no belief in any afterlife.)
Sure, there are no guarantees that one course of action is the correct one. You might act with the best of intentions and after considerable deliberation, yet end up with a kid who wakes up screaming at night. But that’s what makes parenting such a challenge, right?
I, too, had a classmate murdered when I was in school. (7th grade, at Lincoln Jr. High school in 1978 to be precise.) Apparently, she and her 18-year-old brother came home while a burglar was inside, and said burglar tied them both up and beat them to death.
Fortunately for me, I didn’t know anything about her other than her name – she was just one of the anonymous faces in my 7th grade chorus. So there wasn’t the trauma of losing someone familiar. (Plus, at the time, I was kind of a social outcast, so I had much bigger troubles to worry about.)
I say take her, especially if she’s already attended funerals of relatives. She’s been talking about this friend at home, so I think that in the future she will be happy that she had the opportunity to say goodbye properly.
Is the funeral going to be of the same or similar religion that you follow at home?
I would think this would be a big question to answer so you don’t have to debrief, or in the case of many religions de-terrorize, your daughter afterwards. Many Christian churches use funerals to do some real fire and brimstone preaching.
This could easily confuse, scare or even scar a young child.
I have no idea what religion it will be. Probably either non-denominational or Baptist.
Anyways, we talked again last night. She stated she really does not want to go. Wow.
Much ado about nothing, I guess. But the tragedy has brought us closer-we’ve been talking a LOT about death, religion, different beliefs. Pretty amazing. I am saddened it took something like this to REALLY talk (above and beyond the talks we have already had about whether there is a god, why religions don’t get along (lol), and such).
I look at it this way: she is a child. This isn’t the first time or the last time she’ll experience having someone die (and almost certianly far from the worst time). But as a child, I think it’s important that she be a part of the way we deals with death in our society. A family and community dealing with death isn’t just something to sit and think about by yourself: it’s a very social thing in our culture, and I think it’s good for kids to get used to things like funerals for that very reason: socialization into the rituals and practices of our society and culture.
Now, I’m not a big fan of how our culture deals with death, socially. But it’s certainly better than not having a social component at all, and perhaps by learning what death means in our culture, a child like yours will get a better sense, earlier on, of how she’d like to better do things when she becomes a full participant and creator of culture in her own right.
This thread brought up a question in my mind- will the service be open-casket? Don’t laugh- I had a friend in high school who committed suicide and his mother insisted on an open casket. It was pretty icky, and I was 17! That might mess up a child’s head pretty well.
Those media circus-type things are no place for most adults, let alone children. Your daughter is a smart cookie, and she doesn’t even know it yet!
To build on what Degrance said, I think part of the consideration should be based on what type of funeral it will be - not what religion, but the possible behavior of other attendees.
Some groups, [generalization]southern italians for example[/generalization], can be very emotional at funerals - women wailing, throwing themselves on caskets, etc. (This is why I wasn’t taken to my grandfather’s funeral at age 8 even though I thought I wanted to go.)
Also, the media circus potential comes into play here as well. These, more than the concept of death, could have a lasting (negative) affect on a young child.
Yeah. Personally, I prefer the way that the Yanomami of South America deal with death: They cremate the deceased, mix his/her ashes into a banana stew, eat the stew, and thereafter never speak the dead person’s name aloud again. We could learn a lot from them.
I was more reffering to cultures that hold big parties of celebration of the person’s life, especially those that, at least for the dying aged, do so even before the person is dead.
But, ok. Banana/human stew is at least more nutritious than lots of hard-drinking.
). Both are eight years old.
