My SIL died Tuesday. She lost a 3 year battle with cancer. She was only 44. Debbie was one of the most amazing people I have ever known. She raised 3 wonderful children alone and put herself through nursing school. She loved children, and worked for 7 years in a pediatricians office before taking on the challenge of the neo natal ICU. She loved to sing, and play guitar, and was very active in her church. I never heard her say a bad thing about anyone. I will miss her terribly.
My grandmother died when I was 9, and I was not allowed to go to her wake or burial. I was only allowed to go to the service at the church. I was 16 before I went to my first wake. My husbands family views death differently than mine. They bring their children to wakes and funerals from a much younger age.
Now I am torn. I have 3 children. My daughter is 13 and my boys are 9 & 7. I think my daughter is old enough to go to the funeral, but I’m not sure she could handle the wake. I am not sure the boys are old enough for either. I am thinking I should just let them decide if they want to go. They wouldn’t have to go up to the casket if they didn’t think they could.
How old were you the first time you had to face death?
Do you think 7 is too young?
I am sorry to hear. It is hard to lose people close to us. {{{fp}}}
I think I was 5 or 6 when I went to my first funeral. It was my great grandmother. I didn’t know her well as we lived pretty far away. I didn’t bother me so much.
I think depending on the maturity of the child (FTR I have no children) would depend on whether they should go to the funeral. If I had kids, I would probably pass on taking them to the wake, but They would go to the funeral if they wanted to. I wouldn’t force them into it. As an adult, I don’t even go to the wakes, they weird me out. I also no longer partake in “Viewings” as I feel that the body in the casket is no longer my aunt, grandmother, friend or whatever… but I digress.
I think kids should not be shelterd from having to deal with the deaths of family members. I think I would try to explain to the youger kids that auntie has passed away, leaving out all the harsh details that adults discuss, of course. Ask how they feel about it and be open to talking with them about their feelings and answer their questions in ways they would understand.
That is how my parents handled it with my lil sis when our aunt died of cancer. I was 11 and lilsis was 5. She handled it well. She was sad, but we had spent a lot of time with my aunt while she was receiving her chemo treatments, so she had good memories of her, as did I.
First, I am sorry for your families loss. My stepfather lost his fight with cancer yesterday after 15 years, he was 80 last November.
To answer your questions, I was five when my grandfather died, and the ‘kids’ were ‘protected’ by not talking with us about what had happened. We weren’t allowed to know, although it wasn’t hard to know people were upset. At twelve my grandmother died, my borther and I both tried to keep her alive for 15 mintues before the ambulance arrived. She had suffered a massive heart attack and we were told there was nothing anyone could have done to save her. My brother and I were blind sided with death and it hit both of us extremely hard. Unlike with my grandfather, this time it was staring us in the face while we waited for an ambulance.
Do I think 7 is too young? No. You’ve got an opportunity to help your children to understand what death is. My opinion, and take it for what it’s worth, take this opportunity to teach the how to deal with death. It may not be easy for them but, it may make the next time easier on them. Accidents can happen at any time, teach them to be strong in the face of death now. You never know when they may have to deal with it next and the circumstances may make it much much harder for them to deal with.
If they knew her well, and liked her, I’d say take them to the events. but be prepared to leave early if(the youngest especially) seem to be becoming upset, or if adults start causing a scene that disturbs them.
I was 6 when my grandfather died, too young to understand fully, was incredibly upset because I saw both my mum and dad crying for the first time. I didn’t go to the funeral.
I was 9 when my mum died, fully understood what had happened, I went to the funeral but didn’t go to the burial, it all got a little too much for me and my younger brother (he was 8).
Frog, I’m so sorry! She sounded like exactly the type of person we need more of on this earth.
FWIW, I remember attending the funeral of a close friend of my mother’s when I was very young, around 7 or 8. I insisted upon wearing all black and was surprised like mad when I saw people come dressed in colors. It was a good experience for me to go through, even though I was slightly upset, so I believe that it may, as others have said, be an opportunity for you to help your children understand and deal with relatives passing away.
Thanks for your input, everone. My husband and I discussed this last night and for the most part we agree on how to handle it. The kids were pretty close to their aunt, and they knew she was sick and wasn’t going to be getting better. I don’t want to shelter the kids from death. I know that is a lesson they need to learn, and they all understand it to different degrees. So, the kids will be going to the wake and the funeral. If they can’t handle the viewing, they will be allowed to sit in the other room. That is were Mr Frog and I disagree. He thinks they should view the body. I don’t want the kids to do it if they aren’t able. I don’t want them to be overwhelmed and remember their aunt that way. I want them to remember her singing, laughing, and smiling.
I didn’t attend a viewing until I was 32 and I was honestly scared to death, but the deceased was my grandmother so I had to do it. I found it quite comforting. I could see that she was genuinely gone and had left behind a mere shell that represented her physical existence.
I’m sorry to hear of the passing of a wonderful woman. I was 12 when my Grandpa died. I attended his wake and even kissed him goodbye on the forehead. The only thing that bothered me was that he felt so cold. I would explain to your children everything they would see at the wake and funeral and leave the decision up to them.
I’m sorry for your losses, frog princess and GawnFishin’. I was 12 when my grandfather died and it was my first funeral. What freaked me out the most was the luncheon at a local restaurant after the burial. I was sooooo upset that people were laughing and having a good time when my gramps had just been buried. It wasn’t raucous by any means but my young mind found it completely inappropriate. I didn’t understand yet that people grieve differently. If your kids are sensitive, you might want to prepare them for that.