Met with my Schwab guy the other day but – surprise surprise! – he had no magic answers as for how I burden someone with all this.
He did say, however, that his “quite wealthy” uncle had asked him to be executor and that he felt honored to do so. Maybe “quite wealthy” was part of the interest . . . ? Ha.
I’m thinking I will ask my sister first about her daughter doing it and will offer her, up front, my real estate upon death. It does seem like a waste though, because she will NOT need the money.
Does your niece have children? Might she some day? Even if she is well-off, if she has children who are below college age, anything you give her will probably be greatly appreciated. Unless she is a millionaire a couple of times over, college is going to be hard. Even well-off people find college a stretch. The yearly family earnings cut-off for many colleges to offer financial aid is now $100,000, for people with more than one child. My parents were solidly middle class, with no great need for any extra cash inflow, and still breathed sighs of relief when I got a fee remission because I went to the school where my uncle taught, and one of the schools my brother applied to really wanted him, and offered him practically a free ride. Harvard had accepted him, but only at full out-of-state tuition. He didn’t go to Harvard.
Yes, she has a 15 year-old boy. But between my niece and her ex- (who is very involved with the boy) the kid has it “made in the shade.” In addition, when my sister and her hubby pass my niece will get everything they have (only child) which will be in excess of $1M – probably several million; I don’t know exactly, just going by bits and pieces that I know. Trust me, they don’t need my money. My option is to simply donate what I have so it can actually help people in need.
And as I stated previously, I wouldn’t encourage anyone to get a college “education.” Much less help pay for one voluntarily – beyond what I am already being forced to do via taxes. It’s political.
You keep describing this as a burden. What is burdensome is leaving it undone. If you are in the hospital unable to make decisions for yourself your next of kin WILL be called upon to decide for you. They may disagree, and this can lead to broken families.
The very kindest thing you can do is to make your wishes clear, and let it be known who has the final word. Name an alternate as well. If the person you choose is not nearby, arrangements for plane ticket money might be appreciated. Decisions can range from whether to intubate to who is allowed to visit. Take it off their shoulders, and get your own opinions on record.
IME it’s been the health decisions that have torn people deepest, the money stuff creates resentments, but there is plenty of time to hash that out. The health decisions are urgent, fast paced and the highest of stakes. A written record of your preferences really makes a difference.
If you want to be truly kind make a detailed will as well. Saying “I don’t care if the government gets it” is really saying “I don’t care if my nearest kin have to go through a full year of trauma and legal fees and fighting out what they think I would have wanted.” and also “I want 75% of my estate to go to lawyers.” Think it through, write it out, be detailed. As a final thought, name a charity and say something like “the balance of my estate should go to. . .” That way if you’ve forgotten something they don’t have to guess about it.
As to who you will choose, be sure to consider that person’s temperament and deeply held beliefs. Don’t ask a devout Catholic to enforce your DNR. Choose someone who will be comfortable putting your wishes first.
The devout Catholics you know aren’t the devout Catholics I know. There is a huge difference between a “devout Catholic” and a devout Catholic. The Catholic concept of The Good Death does not include “one that’s delayed as long as possible”.
The few people I know who have held onto life with claws and teeth were people who would only walk into a church if forced, or if they were allowed to do so in order to burn it down. One of them hated seeing our parish full of young people singing at the top of their lungs*; both of them were the kind of people who give any profession they’re in a bad name, because when they’re not cheating they’re looking for ways to cheat. Can’t cheat death.
“I don’t care if you sing on-key, but sing as if God was deaf!” - father José, who couldn’t hit a note with a hammer.
I am quite aware that I need a proxy and a will. I’m not sure where you got the idea that I didn’t think it was very important.
Quoting my OP below, I thought I was clear about the “burden” thing. Not a burden to me, but it seems like it would be a burden for someone to carry out the end-of-life stuff for me. The burden isn’t mine, it would be theirs.
Do you have any other relatives you trust to handle such affairs? I have two sisters, one is the executrix of my will. For the medical power of attorney I selected a cousin who is a nurse practitioner, knows many doctors and nurses in town, and doesn’t have a scrap of sentimentality. She will follow the instructions to the letter. For second choice the executrix sister is name medical POA, she’s a pharmacist and at least knows medical language and situations.
What TrueCelt said about making decisions is true. Having instructions laid out is the kindest thing you can do. And don’t forget a funeral plan. At my church there is a file drawer for funeral instructions that members have made ahead of time. When I wrote mine up and brought it in the dean of the cathedral happened to be the one there in the office and he filed it. As he did he sighed “I wish more people would do this.”
Both of my sisters are older than me, so not a good choice there. My other niece and nephew I don’t see very often, no cousins around for over 100 miles. My buddy’s kid was another choice but he’s a bit off the wall, not sure how that would work out.
And that’s what TruCelt was saying, it’s not a burden for them. Having a clearly defined decision-maker, and clear directives, is so much easier than not having them. You’ll be doing your loved ones a favor by picking one of them; that person has to be willing to accept the responsibility and to do what you want(ed) whether it matches what they believe their own choice would be*, but once that structure is in place, it will make navigating the bad situation which will be your final days and death a lot easier.
Old folks’ homes in Spain ask to have a primary and secondary advocate. The first decision-maker is the patient; if they can’t, it’s the primary and the rest of the family can go fuck a Joshua tree; if the primary can’t, the secondary comes up.
What people think they want and what they do want when the cards fall down aren’t necessarily the same thing.
As long as you’ve done your best to set it up so that things will be done right (both according to the law and according to your wishes), and as long as the person you’re choosing fits in with that (i.e. you trust them to obey the law, to follow your instructions, and if necessary to resolve any discrepancies), you’ve chosen well. Don’t choose someone like me whose heart is in the right place but who’s a bumbling idiot in business and legal matters. If (sadly) you expected acrimony among relatives, it would be important to choose someone level-headed enough to navigate through that and not let it distract them too badly.
Ha, that’s for sure, people are convinced that Grandfather (and God, and every other authority) would by amazing coincidence want exactly what they themselves want.