The fact you asked if you should consider/honor/respect her work, for factoring into this decision, still puzzles me. To me the answer is a resounding, d’uh, yeah, why wouldn’t you?
However, I’m going to work on the assumption that you have difficulty describing these situations (including the play ticket one), since you say you and your wife are happy, but, frankly you come off sounding really patronizing and disrespectful of your wife. I certainly hope that really isn’t the case and you are both as happy as you report back. I’m not the only one who reads you this way, something about how you write makes you really come off that way though.
You did this in a previous thread when things were not going your way. You claimed to consult with your wife or let her read the thread and naturally she agreed with you. It paints a very odd picture of you.
Maybe next time you can cut out the middle man and just gasp talk to your wife about the situation to begin with and skip the part about looking silly on this board.
(No. of toilets in the house) X (52wks) X (No. of years you’ve lived in house) over the handful of time you’ve actually gotten down on your knees and done the dirtiest deed in the house!
(No. of dinners prepared on site per week) X (52wks) X (No. of years you’ve lived in house) over only those meals where you also planned, shopped for, prepared, and cleaned up after, including pots and pans and putting away left overs.
(No. of loads of laundry per week) X (52wks) X (No. of years together) over only laundry you do for others, (sheets, towels, dog towels, curtains, throw rugs, couch covers, etc.)
Let me know the numbers when you get it worked out!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. The last thread was completely different. I got pissed off when someone called my wife a whore. I’m not pissed off at all in this thread. Not even a little. I’m just surprised.
Manda JO, Ethilrist, Taomist, Simplicio, Eureka, and especially Scarlett67 gave great answers. j666’s post of “You add one half your total commute time (i.e. one way commute) to your current house cleaning time” was exactly in the spirit of the OP. They were all saying “You should do it this way” or “Here’s what’s fair” or even “This is what we do in my house.”
So I went to bed thinking this would be a fun thread. But in the morning, I found that the condemnation brigade had shown up and now my thread, which was rolling right along beautifully, was filled with “You should get counseling,” “You hate your wife as a person,” and “She’s saving up to leave you.”
It’s just weird, is all. I’m genuinely confused at how someone could reach such a conclusion. Counseling over a fictitious situation that I’m not even decided about, let alone fighting about?
I know I’m feeding trolls at this point, but I just…can’t…help…it!
Because many of us are aware of your board history, and how oddly you communicate your relationships to us. It’s not hard to want to jump to conclusions that a) you’re not telling us the whole story, b) you already have your mind made up and are waiting for just one person to provide the answer you’re looking for and/or c) you have a less than traditional arrangement with your wife, as evidenced by the particular way you phrase things.
Or that said coughtotally hypothetical, honestcough wife can hide her gifts to her boyfriend(s). I mean, hey, we’re dealing in hypotheticals here, right?
I basically agree with elbows in that chores should be split evenly, no matter what. There is a world of difference between the kind of work required in a job and the kind of work required in cleaning house. I feel that housework is completely devoid of reward and fulfillment whereas a job is actually pretty fundamental to human happiness. Goodness knows I’m miserable when I don’t work. I feel like it would be pretty disingenuous to say that because I am the breadwinner I shouldn’t have to do housework, because being the breadwinner carries with it its own sense of personal satisfaction whereas housework is just crappy repetitive endless grinding labor. (I also recognize that there are plenty of crappy repetitive endless grinding paid jobs out there, but we are both professionals with work that gives us a greater sense of purpose.)
So, we split household chores evenly, regardless of who is working how many hours or what we are contributing to household income. We change the specifics up when necessary to accommodate one or both of our schedules, but it’s always pretty much even. When I was unemployed, even. Now that I’m commuting three hours a day and bringing in 2/3rds of income, even. The only time this might change is when we finally get around to having children, but that remains to be seen. The bottom line is that household work is treated as a completely separate entity from professional work. We both see the living environment as our mutual responsibility.
Not everyone may agree that’s how things should be done and that’s fine. Maybe I just happen to hate housework more than the average person. I think that people who do not do it regularly fail to realize how exhausting and relentless it can be. We keep a pretty clean house. And the truth is, when you share these responsibilities, when expectations are crystal clear who is responsible for what, when you have a routine (our weekly chore day is Sunday), it’s really not that bad for either one of us. And when you have that mutual spirit of collaboration, you stop being so tit-for-tat about these kinds of things and just do what needs to be done when it needs doing. I can’t even remember the last time either of us had to nag the other about chores.
It is weird to me that one would apportion household responsibilities not merely based on hours worked, but based on income. But then again I can’t imagine being in a situation where I pay all the bills and my spouse keeps all the money he makes. We split our income evenly too - all joint expenses paid first, then we each have a certain amount of discretionary income each month to spend on whatever we want. I feel like you want to come up with some kind of formula to ration out household responsibilities, whereas I think that attitude is just too burdensome on whoever is apportioned the majority of the housework.
I’d divvy up the housework proportionately to the paid work time, idea being to equalize what the parties are contributing to the common good of the household.
Yes, you did. Thanks. Add yourself to the list ;).
Very interesting point. It is true that working is its own reward, and I certainly felt that when I was laid off a few years back.
We don’t, really. It just evolved that way over time.
What do you mean? That was hilarious! I almost said “this is exactly what I was looking for” but then thought people might take that seriously, and I’ve seen what that leads to.
Chessic, I’m on your side. Really I am. After reading all you’ve said about your wife I’d get a keylogger installed, and find out where this bank account is. Get it changed so that it’s Payable On Death to you. If she objects, you’ve got yet another problem.
It is my nonprofessional opinion that this situation is not going to remain the way it is for much longer.
Oh yeah, because if there is a problem with the marriage/relationship, a keylogger and insisting that the bank account be made payable on death is going to do wonders for the relationship. [/sarcasm]
Sometimes a self-fulfilling prophecy is better than being wrong.
Anaamika, I never offered to be a marriage counselor. I am a money guy. You wanna talk about your relationship, I can’t address that. But I can in fact talk about moving money.
Me neither, but I’ve seen this happen. One of my sisters basically does this (husband pays the bills with his income, she pays credit cards with hers and they keep separate accounts).
Realistically, this is actually a good thing, as it smooths over issues. My sister really likes to spend money on conveniences, and would rather work more to maintain a lifestyle she wants. She’d rather work constantly and make more money so she can go to Starbucks when she feels like it. Her husband, though, comes from a pretty thrifty family and he just can’t stand this way of living. He likes to save money carefully and just can’t stand the thought of paying that much for coffee or buying a fancy dinner when Little Caesar’s is $5.
Also, my sister takes responsibility for doing a lot of home projects. She decorated the house – not spending wildly, for example buying a lot at Ikea – but her husband would have been content to live with a couch and bare walls forever. The house looks great and he enjoys it, but the actual spending of money and making the projects happen would just not have occurred under his watch.
Now, neither are perfect people. My sister probably spends a bit too much on conveniences – on the other hand, she works a full-time job, plus several side jobs, and more than covers all her bills (which include an awful lot of joint spending too). Her husband is a great guy, but would have been content to sit on a pile of money, living like a college student forever. So, combined, they worked it out this way and it’s better for both of them. My other sister, on the other hand, has painstakingly worked out who pays each bill with her husband, they mutually agree on all but the most trivial purchases, they work together on how much they save each month, discuss how any ‘windfall’ money like bonuses gets divided out… they like doing it this way. If my other sister tried to do this, it would make them both insane. They would get lost in so many pointless arguments if they didn’t keep at least the facade of having their ‘own’ money.
Really, there’s no sense trying to create a general rule for how things like finances or chore distribution work. It all depends on the relationship and if both sides are happy, then great.
I mean, hey, we’re dealing in hypotheticals here, right?
And I say this with genuine affection!