Christmas card mutual masturbation, or an admin howls into the wind

The BBQ Pit
1

Jesus Christ.

Rant Part I

I think that companies sending out Christmas cards is a big fucking lame exercise in mutual masturbation. Look, I’ve worked in lots of companies over the holidays, and I can assure you Mr. Bigwig, that the recipient glances at your card and throws it in the trash. It is a humongous waste of trees, time, and trouble. It’s not like next year when that 5 million dollar deal comes up that anyone thinks, “Well, Bob didn’t send us a hastily signed Christmas card last year. So I guess he’s out of the running!” A pain in the ass appreciated by no one, and with no neglible positive effect that I can see.

Rant Part II

(I’ll try to make this as clear as possible. This is the most fucked up way of doing Christmas cards I have ever seen.)

I am temping at the moment. For some stupid-ass reason, the guys in my division have decided that they and their counterparts in New York should all sign one card. This is fucked-up step #1. Why the NY guys don’t sign theirs and send them off and the Chicago guys send theirs and send them off, I don’t know.

So, for the last several weeks, I have been working with the guys in Chicago and the guys in New York and their respective admins to get a list put together of who all we’re sending cards to. Based on how it went last year, I assumed I would complete the list, print the labels, order the cards, put the labels on the envelopes and send them to New York for them all to gather and sign in one fell swoop. This is fucked-up step #2, but a cubic buttload more logical then how they did it last year. Why an admin in New York can’t do this, I don’t know

So, comes to the day last week when I have a good working guess on how many cards I’ll need to order. I tell my boss, “I’m going to order 450 cards, does that sound right to you?”

Nope, sez he. Jane (not her real name) in New York will order the cards. This is fucked-up step #3. If I’m doing the list, why have someone a thousand miles away order the cards?

Ah fuck, thinks I. I’ve never heard of this Jane admin. I can just tell that my perfect plan is gonna go south.

Okay, sez I. I’ll finish the list, run the labels and send them to New York.

But NO! Today I finish the list. I talk to my boss. He says to FedEx the labels to New York to Barb (note: this is NOT Jane). What about Jane, sez I. Should I let her know I’m sending the labels? No, sez he. Just send them to Barb. This is fucked-up step #4.

So, off they go. End of the day comes. Boss cc:'s me on a response he sent to his counterpart in New York. "We’re working on a list here, too. " Is all he says.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I don’t even want to read the original email he’s responding to, but I do. Big wig in New York telling Jane how he wants her to put the labels on the cards and to send them to Chicago.

WHAT labels??? Based on what list??? Is this a different list? And why did Jane order the cards in New York if she is sending them to Chicago if I did the labels and am sending them to New York??? And what names are on these labels in New York??? And why have I been spending all this time doing this shit for nothing??? And why why WHY when I looked my boss straight in the eye and asked about what Jane was doing on this project in New York and should I email her, did he say no???

Because I swear to GOD I am not going to go through Jane’s list and mine and take out the duplicates (if there are any, which there better as fuck not be).

Goddammit, this makes me so fucking mad. I think what makes me maddest is the fact that I’ve been trying to coordinate this cluster fuck, dealing with the dipshit admins in New York, and hounding Vice Presidents for weeks, and no one has been paying attention. You know, I really resent it, big wigs, when you look your admin straight in the eye and don’t listen to a fucking word she says. Yeah, I realize you think our work is stupid and an annoyance, but for christ’s sake! If you’re going to tell us to do something, THEN DON’T FUCK IT UP.

I hate you all. Fucking Merry Christmas.

2

Brilliant. I eagerly await your rant about getting blamed when the cards don’t go out right.

3

::brain explodes::

bfffffffffffffffft!

4

[Puts on pointy-haired-boss hat]
Excuse me, but as the person responsible for compiling the list and ensuring the proper execution of the Christmas car project, I think you owe Jane in New York an apology for not coordinating your end of the project with her.

[/PHB]

5

Except that I was NOT TOLD OF JANE’S EXISTENCE until it was mentioned - Isweartogodalmostinpassing - that she was ordering the cards. My boss knew all along that I was putting the list together under his direction, and working with a group that included the man who I can only assume works with Jane!!

6

Wait.

Did I just get whoosed?

Keeeeeeriminey, I need a drink.

7

Cynical Gabe, that was perfect, because I know from personal experience that’s exactly how it’s going down.
Be prepared, niblet_head. You’re obviously neither cynical nor paranoid enough for corporate life. Maybe you should try another line of work more suited to the likes of innocents like yourself, like maybe being a madam. Far simpler. All you have to do is make sure you have a good, merciless bouncer.

8

I believe you are on to something, pantom.

Lessee… ::checks resume::

Bending over for money? Check.

Taking it up the ass for high-paid executives who don’t know their brain from a hole in the ground? Check.

Metaphorically sucking off total dillholes who think the world revolves around them while - again, metaphorically!- moaning in agreeance and joyous supplication? Check…

Dangit, you’re right! And I’ve been happily fucking myself under their gaze for only $16 an hour!!!

9

No, no, no, you misunderstand.
You’re the madam - you know, the boss. Your employees are the ones taking it up the (orifice of your choosing), both literally and figuratively.
Think you don’t have the capital? Think again: home equity. Or a friend who can access a home equity line.
And for Christmas, you’ll only have to remember the cops you need to pay off to stay in business, and they’ll only number maybe 30 or 40 at most, if you’re in a big city, and since you’re the boss, you’ll get to make the list without all this idiocy you’re now going through.
See? Far, far simpler.

10

As someone who temped for many years. Just revel in the fact that you don’t really work for that pos company and your tormentors do. Think of yourself as a consultant humoring these yahoos until your services are needed elsewhere.

God knows now that I have a “real job” all I do all day is envy the temps. I wish I still had an agency I could call up and say “get me out of this hellhole pronto, they’re all either certifiable or retarded and my boss is both, and whatever they’ve got I think I’m catching it. p.s. you owe me bigtime for having sucked it up this long.” No amount of health insurance is worth knowing you’re trapped with the same jackasses for months or years on end.

11

Hey, niblet_head, I haven’t gotten my Christmas card yet! Where the hell is it?!

12

Ignore me if I wax a bit rabid. I’m trying to quit smoking again.

13

Ah, so this is just an intricate prostitution management training program.

14

So, uh, niblet_head, doesn’t this company you work for have some actual, like, business to take car of?

15

Well, this is the holiday season when all sense of the world going on as normal is shot to hell. So, of course, sending out HO! HO! HO! cards is top priority. Sheesh, El_Kabong what fantasy world do you live in?

:smiley:

16

I, for one, am thankful for the few Christmas cards I get. They are all from my Plan B possible future employers and I can track how well they are doing by the quality of their cards.

17

Okay, here’s what you do, niblet_head - take a deep breath and recite the Temp’s Mantra: “I get paid by the hour. I get paid by the hour…” until the urge to rip someone’s arm off and beat them over the head with the bloody stump passes.

  • featherlou, veteran of eight years of temping.
18

“So, niblet-head, did you include the invitations to the ChristHanuKwanzaa party with the cards? We decided last night after you left that that would be a good idea. Let me know if there are any problems; I’ll be out of town.”