Christmas in HELL (sorta long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

OK, I need ideas about what to do about Christmas.

Being a single mom at xmas sucks so bad. There is nothing so pathetic(for me personally-YMMV) as getting up and watching the kids open the presents, alone. All that has gotten me through the last few years, was knowing as soon as they were done, we could pack up and go to mom’s where I could be with grownups, drink a glass of wine and have a nice dinner, family stuff…

Well, with Mom gone, I cant bear to think of xmas. HOW will I get through the day, it will be so horrid? I will try to fake it, for the kids, but i just cant stand the thought of it. I had thought maybe we would pack up and go an hour away to my relatives… I will probably have a half dozen invites for xmas dinner… but I hate being the family pity case. I imagine a family dinner will be just as depressing as being home alone. Grammy sits crying all day looking at moms picture. Most of my aunts and uncles dont know what to say to me. Its only been 2 weeks since she died, but i havent heard from most of the family, I cant blame them, they dont know what to say.

I dont want to spend xmas with them.

Things are tense at my brothers, dont want to go there.

My step-dad is totally broken, he is avoiding me and the kids, and sadly, I think he may be hooking back up with a woman he cheated on mom with.

My dad and I arent really close, and since he cracked up at the funeral, he is TOTALLY avoiding me, he is embarrassed I guess.

I have never in my life felt so alone as I do now. How can I possible make xmas bearable for the kids?

Xmas music on the radio brings tears, OMG this is hard.

I thought maybe if I took the kids away for xmas, it wouldnt seem so empty, but I have nowhere to take them. I have no money for a hotel, not really, and there is nowhere close by with anything to do at all.

If they were older and I had the money for proper equipment, I would take them winter camping, or away to go skiing, or SOMETHING if I could just think of something!!

How do I escape xmas? I already did all my shopping before mom died, I was afraid I wouldnt do it at all.

On preview I see that this looks really pathetic, but i am ok, I really am, I am not looking for pity or anything, just ideas as to how I can make this xmas so totally different from xmas past that I wont miss my mom so much, so that I wont feel so alone.

I know there are other semi-orphaned dopers, maybe you know how to do it, maybe anyone has an idea…

A purple xmas tree? a bahama theme? I am desperate.

2

Volenteer at a soup kitchen.

3

That’s evil on so many levels, I don’t even know where to begin, so I won’t even touch it.

My father has only been around financially for the last 6 years of my life. Besides that, I’ve never even seen a picture of him. Growing up, my mom had some serious financial troubles, but X-mas was always about the presents. Now, I really don’t even care that much about presents. All I care about is being around friends and family. All I remember is the happiness on my mother’s face when I opened a present, and seeing that I was happy. I understand that now, and that’s what’s important, just knowing that the people I’m around are happy on this day. I don’t know how old your children are, but asking a few close family members to come to your house wouldn’t hurt, or even going to one of the childrens’ friend’s house, if you know the parent.
Be confident. You’re a mom. No matter what you do for your children, they’ll love you. Hope this helps

4

I don’t know how things are for you, or how you’ll feel in a month when Christmas is closer, but you might consider planning to have a specific time for you and the kids to remember your mom. You’re all going to be thinking of her anyway, so maybe preparing for that and organizing it into a memorial of a sort might help you temper the grief and emptiness with some of your happy memories of her. It might help the kids deal with their feelings of loss, too, and it would be good to let them know explicitly that it’s okay to talk about their grandmother, even though it does make you sad. In any case, faking it isn’t going to work. They’ll know you’re remembering and grieving anyway, so acknowledging that and letting them know it’s okay may be the best thing for you.

And you might rethink your position on pity invitations. Right now, everyone’s undoubtedly pretty raw, but by Christmas, you may be more ready to face the family and socialize with them. Or, if you have friends who don’t have family nearby, invite them to spend the day with you and spread the pity around a little.

Christmas is a rough time. My dad died five days after Christmas four years ago, and I’m still not used to holidays without him. I’d send one of those useless but well-meaning text hugs if I knew you better.

Aw, hell, why not: {{{{{{kelli}}}}}}

5

Whatever you do, please don’t invite strangers over to watch your kids open presents. I hated that so much when I was a kid. Let the present-opening be an intimate family moment.

Several times when I was young my Mom had a boyfriend over, or a boyfriend’s parents, or worse. So here are these strangers watching me open presents, judging whether I’m gleeful or appreciative enough, wondering why I’m excited about that electronic game they’ve never heard of or if I’m not too old to get a stuffed animal for Christmas.

If Christmas is overwhelming you, consider just scaling down on it this year. Your kids will understand. Go out and look at people’s lights displays, go ice skating, go to the petting zoo. Hey, what if you got a puppy or kitten? (That’s a semi-joke, I realize it might be impractical.)

I’m sorry about the loss of your mother.

6

I don’t know how serious you were about the camping, or where you’re located, but you might want to check out Wilderness Inquiry. They started out as a camping-for-the-disabled company, and a few years ago started putting together camping packages for parents who otherwise wouldn’t be able to take their kids camping with them, either due to lack of equipment, or experience, or just not knowing where to go. They might have something in your area, or be able to direct you to a company that could help.

This might not help much, but do your kids have any friends whose families would like to have you over for christmas? You said you wanted to avoid being the pity case, but if there is a family you’re close to, it might be okay?

7

That really isn’t a bad idea. Doing something for others in need often takes your mind of your own troubles. You would be surprised how good it makes you feel. Maybe you could volunteer to make a Christmas dinner for a needy family in the area? I know that there are charities that arrange that sort of thing. I don’t know how old your kids are but there is probably something they could do to help. (mash the potatos, mix the batter, decorate the cookies)

My family holidays were always full of strangers. My father would all but pick people up off the streets and invite them to Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. Sometimes we would have six or seven people I had never met before. My siblings and I never minded. We thought it was fun.

Or, maybe you should accept one of those family invites to Christmas dinner. It is more likely that they enjoy your company and want you to spend Christmas with them then that they think of you as a pity case.

8

kelli, before my nan dies when I was 8, mom had my nan (her mom) & her step dad & my father’s mother over every christmas. The year after nan died, we had the same people, and didn’t change anything. Nan died further away from Christmas than your mom - early april, but it wa still hard for mom, especially as Christmas was always a big thing for nan - I missed helping her make mince pies and the cake and we still had a christmas pudding from the previous year that she had made (she used to make tons). That really choked mom up as it would be the last of those she’d ever get to eat.

This probably isn’t helping any, except reminding you even more of things you’ll miss at Christmas. Sorry. It was meant to say that I know where you’re at & saying that my mom did nothing different. She was a single mom, and she changed nothing. She didn’t invite anyone extra over, but she already had people who knew her mom & were close to her coming. I’d basically say invite someone (whether friend or family) if you think it will help, but talk it over with your kids first - it’s going to be a wrench for them anyway, so make sure any decisions are made together (although I don’t know how old your kids are - this may be irrelevant if they’re really tiny). Also, I wouldn’t change things that much - missing your mom & seeing you hrting will be enough, woithout making their worlds even more topsy-turvy. I knew my mom hurt (I was 9 by christmas) but I hurt too. Seeing her hiding beeing hurt or trying to pretend nothing had happened would have been worse.

re the family pity case - I get the feeling you aren’t that close to the rest of your family. If there is someone you are closer to & they do invite you, don’t think of it as pity. It means that you’re family & they like you. You’d do the same for them. They may not have the words to tell you how they miss your mom or to say sorry she’s gone to you, but that may be the only way they have of showing it. You might be doing them a favour by accepting as much as they are you by asking.

Anyway, good luck to you & your family, whatever you decide for Christmas.

9

After reading the title, I can’t help but think of this short story:

Homeless in Hell: A Christmas Story

I don’t know if it’s really appropriate, and it probably won’t help at all, but I feel compelled to provide a link.

10

Thanks for the ideas guys, and I am reading that freaky story, its awesome!!

11

Hey!

I wasn’t trying to be evil on any level! Volunteer work is one of the few things in this world that are free. There is a sense of comraderie (even among strangers) and a sense of purpose that rivals nothing else. If you get nothing else out of it, at least you won’t be alone. It might help this painful time pass a little easier, and you might even come out of the situation feeling a little better.

Plus, it would be a good experience for your kids. I have many fond memories of going out with my mom around Christmas to do various volunteer work. Even when I was at my worst in those early teen years that time was special between the two of us. She started a tradition of linking the holidays with giving to the community that I carry on to this day,

I really wasn’t trying to be cruel. I apologize if my statemnt hurt you. I really feel for your situation and I hope that you find some way to enjoy the holidays.

12

It’s great that you are trying to be strong for your kids, but don’t try to shoulder the whole burden yourself. They can be a tremendous support for you as well if you let them. Remember your mom lives on in them.

I also suggest phoning the relatives that haven’t been talking to you … once you’re feeling up to it that is. It will get harder and harder for them to call you as time goes by, but you can phone them right out of the blue. If you do, they will feel supportive and important in your life, and all kinds of good things.

Good luck kelli! I’m definitely not looking forward to the day this happens to me.

13

I spent last Christmas and Thanksgiving both totally alone. I might be able to be with friends for Thanksgiving, but it looks like I’ll be alone this Christmas as well. I don’t have children to worry about, but I know I was somewhat maudlin last year.

Doing my best to remember my childhood and not knowing the ages of your kids, I agree with moe.ron insofar as you’re the mom. You’ll be fine. Also keep in mind, Kids. Love. Christmas. Gods, out of the few childhood memories I have, various Christmases are probably a quarter of them, at least.

I can also remember hating being shuttled all over the gods’ green earth on Xmas day. Can’t I just stay at home and play with my TOYS!!! That’s probably neither here nor there, though. :slight_smile:

Kellibelli, I’m truly sorry for your loss. I dearly hope that you remember that you and your children are still a family, though. They don’t need purple trees or mangoes hanging from the ceiling to make this holiday better. They just need you and your love. I can truly understand that there’s a major hole in the weaving of your family’s tapestry right now, but you don’t need to patch it up. Look at it, remember, then hug the ones you have near you right then.

It’s up to the living to honour the dead with our actions.

Be well, be safe, and drink a glass of wine to your mother. I’m sure she’s very proud of you.

14

Not only is this manifestly not an evil idea, I think I might just do it myself.

That is, unless Nymysys wants to spend Christmas in NYC. :smiley:

15

I didnt think it was evil, not practical for me, as the kids are too young. Certainly not evil!

I think I have the plan now though! Thanks to Persephone’s thread: http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?postid=1799395#post1799395

I will take them to the movies on Xmas day! that will eat up the afternoon, and then we can have dinner, then its almost over! I always forget everything at the movies, and the kids love to go, its perfect!

16

(Repeat, after accidently posting to Persephone’s thread!) :::redface:::

Kelli, no matter what else you do or don’t do, please be sure to decorate your house for Christmas. There’s nothing like Christmas decorations to brighten the house and make everything seem cheerier. It might even help you get into the Christmas mood a bit.

Don’t think I’m comparing your situations, but my mother’s best friend unexpectedly lost her little dog week before last, and is devestated. She’s talking about not doing up her house for Christmas because she can’t face Christmas without her dearly loved little doggie, but Mum is bound and determined to make sure she puts every last decoration up. She is sure that it will help lift her friend’s spirits even just a little bit to have the house looking beautiful. I think she’s right. I know the effect Christmas decorations have on me.

17

kellibelli, strangely enough going to the movies on christmas is one of my family’s traditions. it is great and the theatrs are rather empty so you feel like they are running the movie just for you. thinking potter? or lord of the rings?

the “first” are always the hardest. i hope you get through the season with some comfort and joy.

18

It might make you cry – in fact I’m sure it will – but you might want to make an extra effort to take in some holiday spectacles like a Messiah Sing-Along, a performance of the Nutcracker or a choral concert at a local cathedral this year. This won’t cover Christmas Day (unless you are very brave about crowds and very lucky about ticket availability), but it may put you more in the mood without requiring you to pretend to be 100% mirthful. I know your budget/kid’s ages might not work with this, but thought I’d mention it anyway. Time to start building some “Mom Traditions” of your own for your own children.

If the Christmas movie thing doesn’t cover enough time, why not make some cookies with your kids on Christmas day? It’s fun, it’s creative, it’s old fashioned and homey. Again, you may sniffle a bit, but that’s only right.

For god’s sake, don’t forego decorating. Losing momentum on celebrating is easier than getting it back again next year. Believe me, I know from sad experience.

Forge on as well as you can as a tribute to your mother. If you attend church, and it feels right to do so, have your kids put extra money into the poor box as a gift from (their) Grandma to the poor children. I am sorry for your loss.