Amen to that.
Conversely being able to bow out of parties that will suck, because of road conditions, is priceless.
I’d like to pit my mother-in-law for not telling me that I had to get a Secret Santa present for my sister-in-law until Friday night. I finished my Christmas shopping a more than a week ago and was completely blindsided by this unexpected addition to the shopping list. So I had to go out in the weekend-before-Christmas crowds to find a present which I now have to wrap, package and somehow get to the other side of the country by Wednesday. I suspect the last step will involve going to the circle of Hell known as the Post Office. Thanks a bunch, Ma.
We’ve been on a Jeff Dunham kick lately, and while I love the song, I can’t seem to get Jingle Bombs out of my head.
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Commercialism/pressure to GIVE THE PERFECT GIFT! Thanks but I bowed out of that scenario two years ago. I give people I care about things I think they will love, but I do not give anything to anyone out of obligation. It has made my season so stress-free and enjoyable.
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Happy first night of Hanukkah everyone! In this mixed marriage, we light the menorah for 8 nights right next to the Christmas tree. Well, we would do so IF any store in town could sell us Hanukkah candles. I was informed “our supplier didn’t ship them.” Well, douchebag, I bet if your supplier forgot to ship you those endless aisles of Christmas candy/wrapping paper/cards/shitty last-minute gifts you would be on the phone in a New York (2nd Ave. Deli) minute wondering where your seasonal shit was. But Hanukkah candles? Oops, sorry!
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I want to, but I am resisting the temptation to go that controversial place . . .
I got freaked out by a neighbour’s new ugly-arse Santa door decoration staring at me as I came out of my flat this morning, slipped on the first stair, and travelled swiftly down the rest of the flight on my backside, hitting every step in some kind of stair-arse replication of the large hadron collider.
Bastards. Most people make do with a fucking wreath.
p.s. Sorry about my pissed-up friends swapping all the welcome doormats in the building around at random the other night. I think I put most back in the right place.
My stupid ass decided to crochet my brother a fucking ewok for Christmas. Someone on one of the craft blogs had a pattern, and hers was really cute, and bub is a big fan of all things Star Wars. And I like to crochet. It was June fercrissakes, I’d surely be done well before Christmas.
Er, well, not really so much. And I totally forgot all about the fact that the pattern called for embroidering the face until this past week. Since Walmart is the closest thing to a craft store we’ve got around these parts, and they no longer carry embroidery floss, I’ve had to be creative and use tatting thread. And do you have any idea how hard it is to embroider on crochet? Neither did I till I started on this. It’s a real bitch. And I’m not really so great with the embroidery in the best of circumstances. It looks remarkably like the ewok has been in a disfiguring car wreck.
Just claim it was supposed to be a gremlin. Everyone likes gremlins.
Why does Christmas have to be this time of the year? I moved away from Chicago (partly) to get away from the cold and snow, and on Tuesday I have to go back to sub-freezing temperatures and piles of snow so I can spend Christmas with friends and family.
The weather. It’s in the 30’s and partly sunny one day, roads dry as toast. The next day we get a blizzard and a foot of snow. A day later, sun shines, high in the 40’s. The next day, ANOTHER blizzard. Or freezing rain and sleet. I’ve been snowed in three days in the last two weeks. Tomorrow, too. My only window of opportunity to finish up Christmas and food shopping will be Tuesday. Friday everything in the city closed down because of snow. Saturday, there was an hour wait just to get into the mall’s parking lot! Today and tomorrow everyone will be snowed in again.
I’m done with running myself ragged, Christmas shopping, though. No more. Everyone gets one modest gift, or a gift card, and some candy or cookies. I can’t go on buying people underwear, or “body butter”, or electric doodads, or sweatshirts with teddy bears???
Crazy Bitch: “Oh, excuse me Mr. gaijin-san! Oh, jouzu, your Japanese is very good!”
Me: (what the fuck? I haven’t said one word to you. I don’t know you. Stay away from me bitch.) Keeps walking.
CB: “Oh. Oh, Christmas is coming up, and we should all know about the true meaning of Christmas.”
Me: (Seriously, are you grabbing my jacket? Let. The. Fuck. Go.) Stops to gently make her let go.
CB: “Where do you live?”
Me: (hahaha, like I’m telling you!) tells her. (shame)
CB: “So you teach English there.”
Me: (Was that a question? It should have been a question, but it wasn’t.) No, I don’t.
CB: “OK, professor, so you don’t teach English (chuckles)”
Me: (WTF? Did you just call me professor?)
CB: “Anyway, please if you have time, I have these books for you.”
Me: (Wait, are those watchtower books? Yup. Yup, they are) “Listen, I’ve read them already and rejected their message. Sorry, but you’d be better off giving them to someone else.”
CB: (Spiel about religion and Christmas)
Me: “Thanks but I’m not interested and I know more about Christmas than you do.”
CB: (laughs, as if that is impossible. Gives me books anway)
I used to feel guilty about trashing JW literature, just because of the sheer waste. But I relished it this time. Bitch, do not insult me and then expect me to listen to what you have to say.
I don’t think the Christless music in every store and restaurant and everyfreakinwhere can be Pitted enough. We went shopping yesterday just to get some exercise out of the cold, and I think we heard, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” about five times. Or was it “It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas”? It doesn’t matter - they all make me stabby at this point.
I would also like to Pit my family and our Secret Santa bullshit that I would like to opt out of but they keep reeling me back in out of familial obligation. I have two sisters who are really busy around the Christmas season, so they have decreed for everyone that we will pick names and buy a $75 gift for the person whose name you pick. It has made my Christmas shopping joyless and perfunctory. I HAVE time; I WANT to take the time to shop for my family and get them small tokens that I think they will like (since we are all in 40’s, I’d like to switch to consumable gifts only, like wine or chocolates or charity donations), but my gift-giving is not up to me, and I am resenting that more by the year. I think I’m going to screw with them next year, and do the official Secret Santa affection-free gift certificate, and then make home-made gifts for everyone in addition. Heh heh heh. That’ll show 'em. 
You can walk on the escalator, you know?
I’m seriously considering asking my parents to move to Australia, just so I can go somewhere warm for Christmas. Or Argentina. Or even just the tropics.
I don’t blame you for wanting to change the menu. I like roast turkey but here in the U.S., I wouldn’t want to have a Thanksgiving meal on the Fourth of July. Do you have a BBQ grill? I was thinking with 100 degree farenheit weather, maybe some Christmas steaks would be better topped off (as GuanoLad suggested) with your choice of ice cream (perhaps peppermint in keeping with the season).
In addition to the other parking complaints that I heartily agree with:
I see you following me back to my car so you can take my space. No, I’m not going to run.
Also, you’re going to be disappointed when we get there, since I don’t bother driving around the parking lot, I just immediately head to the farthest point from the entrance, since walking from there takes less time than driving around, and getting stuck behind 3 people all laying in wait for one spot.
I have been informed that, for Christmas Eve dinner, I will be baking a “birthday cake for the Baby Jesus.”
I am accepting recipe suggestions.
Devil’s food cake?
Why am I making the Red Velvet Cake when my sister spent two years in cooking school?
And why can’t I remember to buy red food coloring in November, before everybody in town gets ready to make whatever it is they’re making that requires bottles of red food coloring? For a while there it looked like we might be having either blue or black velvet cake.
Hee, what a wonderfully geeky rant. And it fought my ignorance! You have given me an excellent Christmas gift.
As I cannot find food-quaility frankincense for frankincense cake, I second the devil’s food idea. I’m sure the baby Jesus would have liked chocolate.