For the umpteenth year in a row, my step-mom has failed to plan her time appropriately to allow her and my father to be on time to our Christmas dinner. (We do Christmas with them early, as she has a HUGE family and I don’t wish to be part of a mob scene on Christmas morning, plus we have a command performance with my in-laws on Christmas day.)
I don’t know if this is genuine lack of planning, or passive-aggressive behavior, though she is always perfectly pleasant and jovial once they arrive. Whatever. I love them all anyway.
I know what you meant, all right, but I saw this and thought, if the food will be awesome because the roads suck, I guess they’re serving roadkill. You know what? I think I’m going to be unable to attend that party too.
And just as a foodie two-fer:
this made me immediately think of that immortal “yo’ mama” joke, "Yo’ mama is so fat that she sweats gravy."
I am going to my SIL’s for Christmas.
She and BIL are no longer sleeping in same room. We are going to support her. It will suck. She will be bitchy (due to a shitty situation).
BIL will act magnaminous (though he is a tightwad prick). I will pretend to ignore my knowledge of how much of an ass he is.
My neice will be spoiled, and my nephew an over-competitive bastard.
My older son will have to carry the weight of the oldest kid. I will try to include him in my kitchen activities to keep him sheltered.
My younger son will be pointed at as a poorly behaved youth.
My FIL will be his usual racist self.
My wife will get tired, cranky, and wiped out.
I will do the majority of the cooking to ensure a decent meal.
For this I will drive hours upon hours (OK - around 6 each way).
I will at least get some decent loot and I will do my best to drink massive amounts of BIL’s wine cellar and whisk(e)ys to keep sane. If you hear of large cooking fire and explosion in AZ, it will probably be me adding some special ingredients to the Yorkshire pudding.
Largely relegated to crazy old people, but people in public that serial complain about trivial tripe to anybody who accidentally makes eye contact or comes ‘within range’ with the added touch of saying “oh, happy holidays to you” or “that’s the holiday spirit” when you walk away or ignore them. Some even throw in a “these days” just to take it all the way over the top.
The people in my neighborhood who put more lights on the outside of their house than I have on the inside of mine. I wonder if our local electric company has a contest “Free Electric Service all year for the person who gets the highest December bill.”
My grandmother’s in from out of town and wants to make Xmas dinner. Very nice of her. We went to the store, and she bought, among other things, 8 lbs of butter, 4 lbs of cream cheese, a carton of 18 eggs, Crisco. For four people. I won’t be surprised if someone has a heart attack at the table.
We have one of these in our neighborhood. There must be about a 1000 lights on and around this person’s house, including the chimney, the roof, the garage, and the front lawn. I wonder what the personality disorder is at work here. Narcissism?
We have about two dozen in my neighborhood, including one house with seven foot hedges covering the entire front of their very large lot, and a set back for the house of about 50 feet. Nobody can even see the lights without going on the property.
Dear boyfriend’s father,
Just because you’re 80 years old doesn’t give you license to disavow every single rule of holiday gathering etiquette in the name of not giving a shit anymore:
For the love of all that’s holy, when I give you YOUR OWN bowl of snacks, that’s because none of us (and I mean none of us) want you dropping food out of your mouth, mid-sentence, back into the community snack bowl, which you seem to think is there specifically for that purpose. Which brings us to…
Please don’t eat and talk at the same time. It’s really easy: chew, swallow, and then talk. Half of your food ends up all over the face and shirt of the person who is trying to get the hell away from you.
PLEASE don’t start a family fight again this year. You seem to think that these functions, which conveniently have the highest body count, are your ideal platform to stir up shit, and you wonder why people don’t want you around.
Look, lilbro -
I’m all about getting together and socializing. I want to socialize with you, I really do. But hey, do me a favor, willya? When DogDad and I tell you, as we have every year for the last five years that we can EITHER chat OR watch TV, but we cannot do both, please do not continue to chat during the damn TV show or movie that you insisted on watching, and then get hissy at us when we tell you to either turn off the TV or STFU. kay?
Please. It’s a very simple formula.
I’ll even make it easy and give you only one choice this year. TURN. OFF. THE. DAMN. TV. There. Now we can chat. Wasn’t that easy?
My husband’s family did it that way for a short time. He told them to go FUCK themselves and he (and I) will buy for whoever he wanted to buy for. That was it. We went back to non-perfunctory christmas and it’s awesome.
For some reason this is really making me giggle. What is she planning on making, a butter and cream cheese model of a turkey?
Kalhoun, I’m desperately trying to figure out if we can still have family harmony if I opt out of something I’m truly not enjoying. Jim doesn’t think so; I am getting more willing to find out every year.
We did the pull-someone’s-name-out-of-a-hat and I actually like it. We’re all on a tight budget, we’ve gotten gifts for the kids, and drawing names for the adults means we all get a little something without breaking the bank.
I think that was the original idea behind Mr. K’s family (though most of them are millionaires, so it never made much sense to us). The problem was that my husband didn’t want to potentially draw a name of someone he’s not particularly fond of, and then also have to refrain from buying for someone he truly wants to give to. So, at the risk of pissing off everyone, he just said he wouldn’t participate in the draw and would buy for who he wanted to, and everyone just sort of followed suit.
Dear Brother: I know you have severe mental problems, and allowances have to be made, but if there is “a game” on TV on Christmas Day, could you please take yourself down to your getaway in mom’s basement and watch it there?
Dear Cable TV Provider: You have been broadcasting Christmas music on the TV program guide since Thanksgiving. Can you tell me why, this week leading up to Christmas, you have decided to play The Oldies instead? Granted, I suppose we could put on the radio or play a CD or something, but … why The Oldies? Now?
Or at least learn how to get off the damn thing without potentially taking us all down. Those stairs turn FLAT at the top, you morons.
I just got all of my shopping done today–finally–and FUCK those people who clog up entire rows of the parking lot with their blinker on, waiting for some other fuckwit to leave their parking space.
I JUST WANT TO DRIVE THE OHMIGOD FIFTY FEET FURTHER AWAY WHERE THERE IS AVAILABLE PARKING AT THIS VERY MOMENT. BUT I CAN’T GET TO IT WHILE YOU’RE PARKED HERE WITH YOUR STUPID FUCKING BLINKER ON FOR FIVE MOTHERFUCKING MINUTES. GOD FORBID YOU BURN A FUCKING CALORIE INSTEAD OF TEN GALLONS OF GAS.
ahem
In an anti-rant, just to spread the obvious holiday cheer I’m feeling, I will say that all the store staff I encountered today were remarkably helpful and pleasant, in spite of all the rampant fuckwittery they were dealing with. Good job by them. I certainly wouldn’t be in as good a mood.
Lexus, maybe you shouldn’t run your traditional “omg! A car with a huge red bow!” commercials this year. Usually, they’re barely tolerable, but this year, it’s rubbing salt in a very big and unfortunately very common wound.
Cadillac, maybe it’s not such a good idea to run your commercials either. Particularly the one with the guy complaining about getting a sweater vest when his kids are getting awesome, memorable presents. This fellow needs to realize it’s not about him. No one ever promised equally-distributed holiday joy. Moreover, he needs to realize going out and blowing fifty grand on a car for himself is not an appropriate response. Jerk.
Is it too much to ask TV stations not to run Christmas carols at every available opportunity? I was watching the Weather Channel to see how cold it was today and got Muzak-y renditions of the same damn carols I’ve been hearing for the past six weeks.
I’m also not looking forward to Christmas dinner with the in-laws. There’s been more than the usual tension and drama and I don’t want to bring that home with the presents.