Every Christmas Eve, my mother and her five siblings try to get their families together for the holidays. Of course, we usually only end up with four siblings at most, and lately the older members of the third generation decide to skip the gathering. It’s the only day of the year I see my mother’s family, unless someone gets married or dies. My mother’s parents usually stay in the warmer climes, and settle for calling us, wherever we may be. I haven’t actually seen my grandparents in six years.
But Christmas Eve is also my birthday, and I’m getting kind of sick of spending it this way. Birthdays are supposed to be special events, not hostage situations, and despite the fact that I at least speak to my grandparents every year on my birthday, the last time they actually remembered it was my birthday was the day I turned eleven.
I’ll be 28 this year. Of course, my mother is fond of reminding me that her parents can’t remember her birthday, either.
So, the question is this: Can I in good conscience tell my family to bugger off this year and go spend my birthday the way I want to for the first time in my life? It has occurred to me that most of my friends and non-familial loved ones will have better things to do with their families that night, but I’m feeling stubborn about the principle of the thing, at this point. I actually feel I would rather sit home alone and watch “Emmett Otter’s Jug Band Christmas” and drink heavily-spiked egg nog until my eyes fall out than go to whatever aunt’s house and tell the story of the last year (which hasn’t been too stellar, anyway) to people who don’t even see me often enough to know if I’ve cut my hair, or lost weight, or have a new job.
I already know I’ll have absolutely nothing to do on Christmas Day, and I could conceivably celebrate my birthday then, but as I said before, it’s all about the principle of the thing. Am I the most selfish person in the world? Am I ignoring my family? Or is this a legitimate gripe?
My uncle has the same birthday you do. Nearly every year since I can remember, my mom’s side of the family has had Christmas Eve together at Uncle Robert’s house, on his birthday. However, everyone is generally careful to give him birthday as well as Christmas presents, and some years he has opted to do other things for his birthday. The rest of us understand. It’s his birthday, and I can imagine how much it would suck to never be able to celebrate with friends or other people on your birthday.
Is this more a matter of wishing your family would acknowledge your birthday, or would you honestly rather spend the day by yourself doing what you want? If the former, I’d probably do something like make myself a birthday cake and bring it to the family gathering (or have your mom do it, or whatever). Make light of it, and make the rest of the family feel sheepish for forgetting your birthday. If the latter, tell your family you have other plans for the holiday this year, and you will see them on a different day (Christmas Day, or another day). Do whatever you want on your birthday.
My family has a lot of holiday birthdays; I’m actually one of the few who doesn’t have a birthay on or right next to a major holiday. (Mom: Halloween. Dad: voting day. Sister: Thanksgiving (often). Uncle: Christmas Eve). Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
As you might guess from my handle, I’m in a similar situation. I’ll be turning 30 on the 22nd of December.
It took me many, many years to figure out that I ultimately decide who sees me on what days during the holidays. If I choose to skip town and hole up in a B&B to avoid the dance of seeing all sides of my divorced family for Christmas/birthday/whatever, I can do it. (and did do it last year, actually)
Ultimately what will make the decision for you is if you can live with the outcome. If you will feel guilty about it, it’s probably not worth the hassle. But…is this guilt self-inflicted? Or are you really gonna get shit from your relatives. Depending on the answer, you might decide not to spend your birthday with Emmett and Egg Nog.
At any rate, what I’m getting at is that at 28 you are an adult. Even if your relatives don’t treat you like one. Do what you think is best.
I sound all high and mighty now, but there were many years I spent tearful evenings trying to figure out how to please everyone. It’s really hard.