egats, the grammer on that last post was terrible. My apologies- I’m up a little late myself.
My husband worked with an engineer who was always late. Because of him, we missed a wedding. We’ve had to wait extra long for a table at dinner because he couldn’t manage to get to the restaurant before the big crowds arrived. He missed the surprise part of a surprise party I threw for my husband - and he was supposed to videotape it.
He’s no longer in our circle of friends - we got tired of always waiting. I never did figure out why he was always late.
even sven, the grammar on your long post was just fine.
I am not a doctor, but you need to SERIOUSLY nag your BF to see a doctor about his sleep disorder, if that’s what it is. From your description, he clearly has something going on that needs fixing. It may be physical, it may be psychological, or it may be a combination of the two. But he needs to be checked out.
If you care for him, you should see to it that he seeks some help, the sooner the better.
(I can’t believe I just told someone to nag her SO … )
A chronically late friend who is trying to get better tells me that she thinks it may be a bit of an unconscious passive-aggressive control technique. This way, the late person gets to make everybody else wait for them. This person is thus calling the shots.
Sometimes I try to do too much stuff or cram too much into one period of time. I may not be late, but “under the wire.”
Could be the complete opposite of disorganized.
I used to have a roommate who couldn’t make it to an 8:30-5:00
until at least 9:15 daily, because if,say, the dishwasher ran over night, she could NOT leave it unloaded until she returned home.
I saw her keep her starving fiance waiting for an hour and a half while she did things that she insisted were necessary, such as
hang her new shower curtain liner, pick up the dog poop in the back yard, and open and catalog the mail. Apparently doing them later was not an option for her.
Not sure how much of it was pure selfishness and controllable psycho behavior vs. some sort of uncontrollable mental glitch.
Still, can’t say I liked her…
I tend to be on-time for meeting people. I’ve learned to deal with the chronically late people in my life (good friends, for the most part) by either telling them to meet me 20-30 minutes before I plan to be there. When I was having people over for dinner I told a friend to be there 20 minutes before I told everyone else, knowing he’d be late.
I would also like to add that the person in the OP is also the first one of our group who is ready to leave work each day.
Honestly, I think that it has something to do with a fundamental difference in the way that some people perceive time. My wife (may she live forever) is a chronically late person, and our differences in perceiving time go something like this:
Me: I base the time of departure on how long it takes to get there in a reasonable amount of time so that I can be there when event X is slated to start. I also plan when I start the “getting ready” part on these factors.
Her: Will decide what she wants to do before she leaves, will start these activities on some internal schedule that is not linear (as far as I can tell) and then it will be time to leave once these activities are finished. The “when does the event start” factor and the “how long will it take to get there” factor seem to not matter.
I know a guaranteed, albeit rather extreme, way to reform a chronic late person but I don’t think it’ll work in BobT’s particular case: have her join the U.S. Marines! That’ll cure her of being late, that’s for sure.
I had a buddy of mine, “Jones”, that was always 20 minutes late. We used to joke that we had to set our clocks 20 minutes behind to “Jones Standard Time.” Then Jones joined the Marines and since then he’s always been right on time.
I’ve got the same kind of problem, and it drives me nuts!
I have a friend that has to play D&D in our group. When we tell him the game is at 7, we’re lucky for him to show at 8. Then he never seems to be ready to do anything, although he enjoys making jokes and talking about anything but the game at hand. He will then say that he has to leave early.
I’ve tried as DM to involve him in the game as a crucial part of the plot, but those are the times he chooses not to show up at all!
Talking this over with another player revealed that he wants to play, but his behavior points toward a passive-agressive controlling type of behavior- almost like he wants to be the center of attention, and this is the only way to do it.
I’ve tried telling him an earlier time to show up, asking him when would be the best time for him to play for an acceptable amount of time, and planning around the shortness of his visit- and it doesn’t seem to have any effect.
What can I do? short of kicking him out…
As far as the OP, I would not allow someone else to jeopardize my job. I would work with her up to that point, but I’ve been in that situation and you need to remember that your responsibility to get her to work does not supersede your own responsibilities.
My mother pretty much had no concept of time. My sisters like to reminisce about coming home from school and finding me sitting at the front door because my mother had decided to make a quick trip to the store while I was at school and wound up gone for 2 hours.
My father traveled for a living, and was always slave to airline schedules, appiontments, etc. It used to drive him absolutely NUTS that she would take her time getting ready for something, then decide to change her outfit or whatever.
She was a nurse, and she could work by the clock when she had to, but she could just as easily take 45 minutes to update the evening shift nurse as she could do it in 10 minutes. It simply didn’t make any difference.
I in with the passive-agressive bunch. If someone is habitually late for something like work, as in the OP, then a simple solution would be to set their clocks ahead 15 minutes, or just set the alarm 15 minutes earlier.
If people do this, and are still late, then what other explanation is there? They know what they need to do to be punctual, but they are refusing to do it, and they know it affects others. That is the definition of passive agressive behavior.
There was a thread a while back where some guy was in danger of losing his job due to recurrent tardiness. I wonder what happened.
I should also say that I don’t buy the sleep disorder excuse (in this case). While they are legitimate medical conditions, they would cause occasional lateness, often complete failure to show, but not being 5 or 10 minutes late every day.
When EchoTC23 and I lived with his parents for 6 months after we moved back to Montana, I learned the pain of living with the chronic time wasters!:dubious:
His mother sets the clock 10 to 15 minutes fast, not one clock in their house was the same time and none of them were right. That was the most confusing time and I finally started wearing a watch again just so I’d know what time it really was!
In my case, I was raised to believe that on time was okay, 5 minutes early was better and 10 minutes early was even better. My parents were absolutely intent that that was how we would grow up.
While I’m not the time nazi that I used to be, I’m always 5 minutes early anyway. If I’m not, it drives me nuts!
I think that it’s down-right disrespectful of people to be chronically late when others have to wait for them. Rude, rude, rude!:mad:
Unlikely. Unless he intends to be a little mean to everyone every morning, “lack of respect” probably doesn’t come into it.
I speak as a chronically late person, and respect/selfishness has nothing to do with it.
My best friend simply cannot be ready on time. I think the real issue is, more than anything, she likes to sleep in. But she is also, fairly regularly, about 30 minutes late even if the event begins at nine o’clock in the evening. She knows that being late is a problem, and she knows that often she is late, and she claims that it frustrates her…but I’ll be damned if she does something about it.
Our solution? Lie.
If I am having a dinner party at 7:00, I tell her we are meeting at 6:30 and dinner we be served shortly thereafter. If the planets are in alignment and she shows up at 6:30, I’ll tell her that I was running late and had to push it back, but I didn’t think she’d mind keeping me company while I finish up. Or something.
You don’t have to tell me lying to my best friend is evil…but she shows up on time now. 
Tell your coworker you have to be there early. Tell her you have to make the coffee. Tell her that you have something, anything, that must be accomplished every day before the time you are actually supposed to be at work. If she can’t accomodate that, she’s out of the pool.
Old thread about this very subject.
We punctual types just couldn’t convince erislover that being habitually late is rude. 
Perhaps not for you specifically, maybe not consciously, but…
It is a lack of respect for other people’s time and a selfishness that says that whatever YOU are doing is more important than the other person’s time and plans.
Steelerphan - kick his ass to the curb. I was in the same boat, had a “friend” who would routinely show up late, then get hostile if I even mentioned that he was late. Then we had an ultra-important session, prep work for which was done by e-mail in the preceding weeks. His character was the focal point and the game could not proceed until he showed. He was over an hour late and po’d at me for being upset at his lack of respect for my time and efforts.
On another occasion, he and his wife invited me over. Told me to be there at 7pm. I get there at 7:10pm and they aren’t there! I sat in their driveway, in 10 degree weather, for over a half hour before heading home. When I got home, they called wondering where I was and why I didn’t wait for them. THEN they tell me “Well, it was 6:55 and we were still in line at Burger King, so we decided that we might as well go to Store X since we were already going to be late”
FUCKERS!
He and his wife are no longer friends of mine, for other reasons as well, but the whole “respect for my time” issue was right up there with the rest of them.
I’m not familiar with the term ‘passive aggressive’. It keeps being used here, yet it seems to me to be an oxymoron. Could someone elaborate on it, so I understand what it means and how it relates to this thread? Thank you.
I’m glad someone started this thread as it gives me a little ‘I am not along’ feeling. I am always punctual, I never let people down, but to me there’s nothing especially virtuous or ‘goody goody’ about it. For one, I think it’s part of showing some respect for other people (and myself). Two, I’d rather be thought reliable than otherwise. Three, I think it’s just more practical. If two or more people want to get together for something, it seems to me that everyone has an easier time if we’re all reasonably on time. Otherwise, it’s unfair for the on-timers to have to wait around, kicking their heels, going nowhere, waiting for the latecomers.
However, I am well aware that I am in a very tiny minority. The vast majoriity of people I know, or have ever known, have no real grasp of ‘punctual’. I think TV Guy’s four categories pretty well cover it, except to say that I think the biggest group by far are those who just don’t care and can’t see what the fuss is all about. I see this as part of a wider ‘spirit of the age’ which may be categorised like this:
*
"I will just do as I please, with little or no sense of personal responsibility. If anyone objects, I’ll employ one of the standard defences:
- It’s not my fault (and never is…)
- Sarcasm (yeah, well we can’t all be so damn perfect)
- Turn it into a debate about easy-goingness (Jeez, chill out! So I’m a little late, I’m sorry, Christ, I didn’t realise it was the f***ing Gestapo! What kind of a mood are you in?)
- Yes well I’m here now so let’s get on with it shall we?"*
And so on.
In the final analysis, I subscribe to the view that it all comes down to fundamental differences in the way people are brought up. Some of us think ‘It’s just nice, polite, practical and respectful to organise my time properly’ and others (most) don’t.
One good example: a female friend asked me if I’d go with her to her office xmas party. I said if she wanted me to, okay, fine with that. For various reasons we agreed to meet at a well-known spot in the centre of London which happens to be outdoors. Agreed rendezvous time: 7.30 pm. Middle of December, freezing cold, wet weather. Mug ianzin actually gets there at 7.28pm. Female ‘friend’ turns up at 9.10pm. Nice of her to make the effort, given that she asked me to be there…
Pop-psychology term for people who try to get their way by wheedling rather than bullying. That phrase is not constantly thrown around in London? I am so moving there.
—Eve (who is always 15 minutes early)