You waited an hour and a half for her in the freezing cold? “You’re a better man than I am, Gunga Din!”
I’m chronically late in the mornings, but generally on time otherwise. For me, it isn’t (conscious) passive-aggression or lack of respect, it’s optimism: “I can sleep 5 more minutes and still be ready in time,” or, “I can water the plants and still leave in time.” That’s probably combined with not having a good sense of how long it actually takes me to do whatever I do in the morning.
I do feel badly and embarrassed when I’m late – I’m not one of those “eh, deal with it” types – and I am getting better about it, but it’s hard – I’m just so tired in the morning!
You know that thread has actually come back to haunt me? 
Some might say it serves me right. Yep, some might say…
Ha, I had some good ones in that discussion! “Well, we are all proactive in our own way” in re: to a person who stopped being friends with people because of lateness. 
Classic! “Consideration is a two-way street where I live.” Oh, so true! 
Just another thought:
for those people who say “I show respect by being on time.” then they would be showing disrespect for people if they weren’t on time, since to them, punctuality is tied to respect.
However, for some people the two do not have an association. For this other group, respect is demonstrated in other ways. And whether or not they’re on time has nothing whatsoever to do with how much they respect anyone. It’s necessary to check the actions that they do associate with respect.
People who are chronically late are creating a situation in which every single interaction they have with another person begins with the other person holding a grudge against them.
I sure wouldn’t want to live that way, but it seems there are many of you who do.
My wife is constantly late. I think it may be genetic. There are elements of passive-agressiveness, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and disrespect involved here.
I have never worn a watch and I am normally on time. When I’m running late, I call ahead to apologize and explain. Just last night, my wife was out shopping. Her sister is staying with us and was cooking dinner. My wife called at 5:30 to say that she was done shopping and would be home in 30 minutes. Since I know my wife, I told her sister that dinner should be ready about 6:30. My wife arrived at 8:10, with no phone call and off-hand apologies.
This is normal behavior for her. All of our friends try the “tell-her-the-party-starts-an-hour-before-it-really-does” trick. And since she knows that, we are usually late anyway. If I tried to hurry, encourgage, or nag her in any way, she digs in her heels and then we are even later. It’s not just events we do together, either. She’s late for doctor’s appointments, parties, luncheons with her friends, etc. When she worked, she was constantly late to work. She knows that being late makes me batshit. She knows that it annoys everyone around her. And here’s the funny bit – she gets highly annoyed with other people when they are late.
I’ve noticed that she is not late for events she is excited about and that she is typically late for events she is disinterested in or worried about. I think this may be the key determinant. The obsessive-compulsive behavior manifests most often when she really doesn’t want to go somewhere. She just has to unload the dishwasher or run another load of laundry or whatever.
She says that she’s working on it, that she is aware of the problem, that she’s really trying to manage her time better. We just celebrated our 19th anniversary together, and this has been going on for 19 years.
And her mother is exactly the same way.
Do they have chocolate in your world? Because they do in mine and it is great. Sure, it has calories, but still. Mmm.
I have a sister-in-law who is choronically late. Hours late. The rest of the family simply adjusts and does not expect Kerith to arrive on time. Dinners are held until they are inedible because “she’ll be here any minute.”
I hosted Thanksgiving this year–sit down family dinner for 15, with Kerith being an invitee. I made it clear that dinner was at 12:30. And I served dinner at 12:30. Oh the shock!!! “Aren’t you going to wait for Kerith?” “No.”
She showed up at 2:30. The meal was over, dishes washed. I offerred her some pie.
The question being hotly debated is: Is Kerith the “rude” person for showing up late. Or am I the “rude” person for not accommodating her, given that I know she is always late?
I suspect the family will not resolve things for years, but I did get to eat a family dinner before the food was dried out.
Hmm, reading the old thread was useful and enlightening to my situation.
The person in question in the OP has done things like gone out to take out her trash while we’re waiting for, been talking long distance on the phone to her sister while we’re waiting to be picked up by her, and was drying her hair in her apartment while the rest of us were waiting.
I’ve adopted some ideas. For one, if the late person is on time I don’t make it a point to say “Thank you for being on time.” I don’t think you need to give people positive reinforcement for just doing the right thing.
I was also debating whether or not to send an e-mail to this person with my concerns about her being late all the time, but I think that e-mail is always a bad medium to discuss interpersonal issues.
Aside from this one item, this woman is not a bad person. She is very friendly and in all other respects considerate. However, she just doesn’t want to get up earlier in the morning to get ready for work.
The other two of us in this carpool consist of
- Me, a person who is compulsively early for everything
- A woman who has to get up early to get two kids ready to go to school
I’ve come to the conclusion that the only solution will be to establish a fail safe time and I think if we just take off one morning without her, she will either fall in line or get really ticked off at us and not speak to us again.
One of the reasons that other people have to wait for their doctor, is that the previous people were late. It starts to add up through the day.
Of course unexpected stuff plays a hand in that as well, which I understand.
My doc has a policy that if a patient is late, they may have to re-schedule. To fit someone in, may take away from another patients care.
I think that you would find just the opposite. People that are on time aren’t in a hurry.
You are completely in the right. Holding dinner for 15 for 2 hours is ridiculus. If not impossible. How can there be a question?
Nicely done! ;j
I’m compulsive in the other direction: I am always, always early for everything. I’m always 15 minutes early (at least!) for class. I hate to miss a movie preview. I have to get to work at 8:30 at the latest: I am always there by 7:10. If I am going somewhere I have never been and the drive is one that I can reasonably expect to take half an hour, I leave an hour and half beforehand–in case I get lost. I can’t tell you how many parties I’ve gotton to half an hour early nad spent that half an hour helping the host (if I knew them well) or sitting in my car ablock away reading a book (if I didn’t know them well enough to be the first to show up).
It dosen’t really ug me when other people are late as long as there lateness isn’t going to make me late; years of chronic earliness means that I always, always have a book with me, and if I get to the resterant 15 minutes early and 30 minutes before the other person actually shows up, I certainly don’t mind reading for 30 minutes. But god forbid someone’s lateness is making me late, or even merely on time–I go crazy… I go insane. I know it’s unreasonable, but i feel like a caged animal. I tap my foot. I fret. I steam. I nag. It’s horrible. I take seperate cars in life as often as is humanly possible.
SHE is the rude one, IMHO. Dinner was at 12:30. She knew what time dinner was being served, and if she didn’t call and say, “I’ve been in an accident” or “There’s a 20-car pile up on the freeway” or “I have a flat tire” or something to that effect, then it’s her own damn fault she missed dinner.
You could have fixed her a plate of food to heat up in the microwave, but even that is a little much if she didn’t even call, and if this is a regular habit.
Is she an adult? Why should you accommodate her? I wouldn’t dream of being late to dinner at someone else’s house, especially not on a holiday, knowing full well 15 other people were waiting for me.
More importantly, WHY is she always late? Does she ever have an excuse? Did she have an excuse this time?
She should eat her freaking pie and be glad you saved her that much.
(sorry, but habitual tardiness is a HUGE pet peeve of mine)
Yep! I agree completely. She knew when you were having dinner.
Wait… you mean knowing in advance that an event is likely to happen is all the more reason to ignore that it happens or get hostile about it? Hmm. This seems to have some disturbing implications.
Well, that’s always an interesting question.
I think you should spit in it for good measure! 
Or you could have a bowl of melted ice cream: “Well, it was solid when I took it out.” LOL
That’s ok, expecting everyone to live one’s way but never accomodating others one’s self is a huge pet peeve of mine. I’m sure we’re all happier now that this is out in the open!
People who are chronically late want the attention of “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN” or “WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU” so they feel like they were missed and are that important that life was held up just for them.
I feel those people are sociopaths who need a frosty mug of straighten up and fly right.
‘Gotcha Ya!’
I used to be married to a chronically-late person from a pathologically-late family. What I finally got, after years of frustration, was this kernal of truth:
It wasn’t a compulsion to be late as much as a deep-seated refusal to be early. Being early, and waiting for someone else, offended the family ethos: “Me, wait around for you? Not bloody likely. You can wait around for me. My time: valuable beyond conceiving. Your time: what the hell do I care about your time?”
Once we got all dressed for a wedding (someone else’s) and were surprisingly dressed, made-up, coiffed, etc. with 5 minutes to go. My ex- could not sit down for fear of wrinkling her outfit and STILL REFUSED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE because she might just be on time if she did. She preferred to stand in our apartment, on a hot day, in a formal dress and stare at the walls, rather than leave the apartment and, possibly, be early for the first time in her life.
I, naturally, filled those 5 minutes by fuming until steam came out my ears, recalling the words of Winston Churchill (paraphrased): “Punctuality is the respect we show our equals; lateness is the rebuke we give to our inferiors.”
Nope, you weren’t rude at all.
That’s exactly what should have happened.