Every Sunday around noon, a nearby church blasts its same awkward, halting bell riff that’s offensive enough as it is, except the acoustics created by the U-shape of my building along with my position on the 10th floor near the apex of that “U” channel that shit directly into my room. And they can go on for 15 minutes at a time.
Yeah, yeah, glory to God in the highest and all that crap.
It’s especially a bitch when I’m hungover or just want to sleep until 3, but even when I’m not so slothful and decadent it’s a huge distraction that makes me yearn for a 5" Zuni or, more realistically, catastrophic metal fatigue. Today, I figure because it’s Easter, the inept fuck behind that obeisant cacophany decided to add a little variation to it. One that includes more pauses, with extra wrong notes. At least I sure hope they aren’t TRYING to do that.
It showers downtown with the ineptitude of the ringer. It annoys the hell out of me (pun intended, of course! Hallelujia!). And I will become the antichrist and obliterate the celebration of the host of hosts in a rain of hellfire if they do not SHUT THE FUCK UP.
[Monty Python Pepperpot] Use the missile then, press the button marked “Church” it automatically homes in on the nearest place of worship[/Monty Python]
Hear the goddamn Easter bells -
Off-key bells!
What a homicidal urge their sound in Khan compels!
How they groan and clank and wheeze,
When folks are still a-bed.
See Khan go down on his knees,
Crying, “Someone shoot me, please!”
With a sharp pain in his head;
Feel the thud, thud, thud,
The bell-ringer’s such a dud
With the spastic sense of rhythm that a mercy kill impels,
For the bells, bells, bells, bells,
Bells, bells, bells -
For the clanking of the Christforsaken bells.
Yay! Somewhere E.A. Poe is doing 4500rpm but I bet he’s grinning while he’s doing it–not that he has much choice in that after all this time… Seriously, great job there, Marlitharn!
I found out the hard way that when in Heidelberg one should avoid taking a room on the top floor facing the Kornmarkt for the weekend, because the bells on that church rattle windows and nothing keeps out the sound… On the plus side, it’s pretty hard to oversleep and miss your train…
Perhaps a pair of concert amps pointed in the direction of the offending noise playing a lovely Sunday medley of Marilyn Manson, Rob Zombie, The Cramps (I suggest “Let’s Get Fucked Up” and “Dopefiend Boogie”) and Pink Floyd’s “Careful With That Axe, Eugene” and “Several Species Of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together In A Cave And Grooving With A Pict” with the sound cranked to 11 would be just the trick to resolve your issue, or at least get your point across? Hey, not everyone has the same idea of what constitutes sacred music, and you have just as much right to your sound pollution as they have to theirs…
I don’t mind honest-to-God bells, like the one the little “Community Church” near us has – a real bell that they pull with a rope and it goes, “Clang-clang, clang-clang,” etc. Attractive sound, soothing and pleasant.
I suspect what you’re complaining about is a carillon, however, a tuned set of bells that can be played from a keyboard. Which is, needless to say, only as good as the keyboardist. Who usually is somewhere between “bad” and “tone-deaf musical imbecile.” You have my deepest sympathy. There’s not much can set the teeth on edge faster, is there? Well, except for someone trying out his friend’s bagpipes. That will set teeth on edge for a six-block radius.
Ah. Thank you for that explanation. I was wondering how it was possible to play a wrong note on church bells. Now I have a bit of interesting research I can do.
I do too, but then, the ones I hear aren’t near my home, and are done properly, not by someone who sounds like the bell ringing equivelant of a 4th grader with a recorder playing Hot Cross Buns.
You have a reasonable expectation to peace and quiet in your neighborhood at five in the morning.
At noon, you really don’t.
I have some sympathy for you because the bells are played badly, but none that the church bells are waking you up when the day is half over. Get some earplugs, get to bed earlier, or make a donation to the church for hiring a better bellringer.
I’ll agree with MamaTiger in that I hate all the electronic sounds that are spewed forth in our modern age. Don’t you just despise those tinny-sounding greeting cards? How about those alleged grandfather clocks with their faux “chimes” ? Well, you get the idea.
What I really hate about noise is that it can’t be ignored. If something looks sickeningly repulsive, shut your eyes, look away, etc. But of all the five senses, hearing is the toughest one to control. Ever have a dipshit neighbor that likes to play their stereo loud and all you can hear is that “Woomp Woomp” of the bass? Well, all you have to do is go in another room right? WRONG !!! Sound (aka noise) does NOT go away that easily does it? Heck, I’m a musician (electric guitar) but enough is enough. Does every frigging thing have to make some damned noise? A copier with every press of a button? A calculator? Oh and those cell phone ring tones?? We are not living in a sound deficient society are we?
Not all carillons are electronic horrors. Some are actual bells that are controlled by a keyboard. They still lend themselves to wrong notes, but if the bells are properly tuned, they sound like real bells. The carillon at Riverside Church in New York is a good example. The bells there are amazing. And HUGE. I remember climbing the tower and being near the biggest bell, a 6-foot whopper, when it rang. Nearly knocked me off my feet.
But as soon as you have a fake carillon playing tinny imitation bell music, it’s right up there with pasteurized processed American cheese food. What’s wrong with real bells?
Nicely done, Marlitharn. Is that meant to be set to the tune of anything? That was awesome.
If I sleep in excessively on the weekends it’s reasonable to expect daytime noises to make things rather unpleasant. That’s what I get for staying up until sunrise. It’s not always about being woken up, though. Hell, that’s only one irritating example. It’s just so damned loud that it shuts everything down until the carilloneur is all praised-out.
Today, for example, I was trying to study when that stupid arpeggio started blasting in all its doddering majesty. And the shape of my building and its position relative to the church seems to funnel all that rapture right into my apartment and those around it. I might as well have cracked my cell bio book open right there on the church steps.
I dunno…I used to like the carillon concerts that were held at the University of Toronto’s campus on summer evenings. I don’t know if they still are, but I quite enjoyed them.
My wife and I lived in a small Ontario town where the local church would play a tape of a carillon playing hymns each Sunday morning. We liked it. Then the church had to stop playing its tape. Why? People in the neighbourhood complained.
I live in a small town with, apparently, 10 BILLion churches (all with Bell towers) and one massive bell tower at the Courthouse. I live two blocks from the courthouse and half a block from the local Catholic Church (which outshines all the others).
I don’t find it unpleasant at all. They use real bells and have real people ringing them with actual, honest-to-God ropes. One just, literally, went off behind me for the half-hour (the courthouse tower is half a block from my office).
I find it entertaining and useful, even when the Catholic one gets playful early on Sunday morning. Hell, I’m a Jew and I don’t mind them playing their heads off.
And you should have heard them get excited when the new Pope was announced. It went on for 15 minutes at least.
I do wonder why they consistently ring 19 times at 9:30 though. Never less, never more.
