Church of the Holy Car

I understand that cars are necessary for modern human life. We need them to move goods around. We need them to get to and from work. We need them to go shopping. We need them for every aspect of life, and I would never ask people to stop driving entirely.

But our culture is in a slow decline. People are driving for all kinds of reasons, not just for those that are necessary, not just for simple necessary transportation, the purpose for which our cars were made.

People are driving to visit friends and family. People are driving to go to movies, to games, to restaurants. Some people, appalling as it may sound, treat these wonderful vehicles with such contempt that they think it appropriate to go driving simply for the pleasure of driving.

We can see the effects of such degeneracy. Tremendous numbers of vehicle deaths every year. These deaths are avoidable: if people listened to my message (drive only when absolutely necessary), these deaths would be avoided. Worse than that, the social fabric is falling apart: because people treat driving so casually, they don’t feel like they need to know their neighbors, and crime rates rise, and people live far away from family, and divorce rates rise. You can trace it all back to folks’ casual attitude toward the sacred act of driving.

For this reason, I am absolutely opposed to seat belts in cars. Seat belts make the driver spend longer in the car than is necessary, they encourage people to linger in the car. Worse, they create a false sense of security in the car: people end up driving for frivolous reasons because they do not associate frivolous driving with danger.

Yes, some people say that seat belts decrease deaths. They say that a lack of seat belts in cars would lead to an epidemic of traffic deaths.

I have conveniently formulated an argument so I do not need to reconcile myself to the increased deaths that they say would result from the lack of seat belts. You see, the false sense of security people develop by using the seat belt leads to so much more driving that even more people die in crashes. You cannot solve the epidemic of road deaths by increasing the use of seat belts: on the contrary, seat belts exacerbate the problem of frivolous driving and therefore of traffic death.

My Church, the Holy Car (Holy C for short), has the following programs:
-We work with governments to minimize the availability of seat belts in their countries.
-We tell members of the church that it is a sin to drive frivolously; we also tell them it is a sin to use a seat belt, even when someone else is doing the frivolous driving and they’re forced to go along for the drive.
-We run driver’s ed schools in which we tell people it’s a bad idea to use seat belts.

Who’s with me?

I confess that the idea is not original to me. I got the idea from another group.

Daniel

Well, I’m not going to strap myself in with a condom, if that’s where you’re going with this.

No: we considered and rejected the slogan “where the rubber hits the road.”

Ok, well what about this scenario: A father forcibly puts his 13 year old daughter in the passenger seat and goes careening down the backroads of Brazil. They see a pig in the road and the father swerves the car and slams on the brakes. Too late. The daughter flies through the window and impales herself on the boar’s tusks.

Doctors rush to the scene and see the girl’s blood is clotting up around the tusks and threatening her life. The only option? A somewhat risky procedure called a boar’s shunt. They’d have to bring her to the hospital in an ambulance, strapping her down to ensure she didn’t move and tear anything.

So to save the life of this underaged girl nearly killed by her father, they’ll have to get her to the hospital to perform a boar’s shunt, necessitating the use of a seatbelt.

Is that OK with your Church?

No. The No Seatbelt rule is official dogma. There can be no exceptions, no matter what the circumstances. The application of any sort of restraint might endanger the boar (possible strangulation) and as yet unborn piggies he might father in the future.

Of course: we’re not unreasonable. If you’re using a seat belt for a purpose for which it wasn’t intended (namely, to allow frivolous driving), we have no problem with it. People keep misrepresenting our church, trying to make us look monstrous. We’re not: we just want to prevent frivolous driving.

Remember, if a person should find them selves im-pig-nated for any reason, whether or not they are driving for a legitimate reason or frivolously, or even when forced into the act of driving by others, regardless of circumstances the safety of the boar is of the highest importance and a boar shunt is never acceptable.

::holds up a seatbelt:: From my cold dead hands!

And let me guess: condemning seat belts all the while, you’re still opposed to alternatives to frivolous car use such as public transit. Oh, it’s an abomination! Thou shalt not ride under the earth as one drives over it! Pfft.

Well the hell with that: I’m here, I’m on the metro, get used to it.

Oh, and you know Jesus used transit. Hanging around with 12 dudes? What was he gonna do, rent a limo?

:smiley:

How are you with those ejection seats, like on the Bond cars? Are they like, holy venerated objects?

Incidentally, and completely off-topic, do you still have your website on the Metro still up?

So, can I use my seatbelt once the car is paid off? Also, I guess renting a car is out of the question?

Haven’t you heard about him turning the Volkswagens into Cadillacs? It was pretty cool, as far a miracles go.

Yes, I do!

There is no good reason to wear a seatbelt, ever. Whether or not the car is paid off seems quite irrelevant, and one might think the question was designed to divide the church.

Renting a car? Disgusting! If you don’t have a car, you can take a taxi – but only if absolutely necessary (and you’ll need to call for one, as driving around looking for passengers is likewise frivolous). It’s absolutely wrong to drive a car that isn’t yours.

I’m gonna fuck you with my red hot car.

I swear I had this same thread half-typed after reading the first page of the other thread. I’m glad I spotted this because you did a better job (though I was gonna go with helmets and motorcycles, but that was purely about the aesthetic analogy).