Um, you mean “The Dead Pirate Roberts”, don’tcha Jimbo?
That’s inconceivable!
Dude, Where’s My Zombie?
It’d be much less boring, although there wouldn’t be any brains.
Punch-Drunk Zombie
There’d be even less dialogue and it’d be even more incomprehensible. However, Adam Sandler’s body parts would fall off, which I might enjoy.
They Shoot Zombies, Don’t They?
Zambi- The young deer’s mother comes back to avenge her own murder. In this one, of course, we actually root for the zombie…
The Shawshank Resurrection- I always thought a better escape plan would have been for Tim Robbins to just die and come back…
Charlie’s Zombies- I would be much more entertained if there was a reasonable chance of Drew, Cameron, or Lucy having their bits fall off at random moments…
In the big reveal of Soylent Zombies, everyone gets disgusted because it isn’t people…
Dead Man Walking wouldn’t have to change its title, though the plot would need a certain amount of re-arranging…
Ooo-- Though it would be a significant re-interpretation of Shakespeare, it would be cool if Banquo’s ghost came back and ate Macbeth. “Out, out brief candle this!”
The Vanishing Zombie: One of the most horrifying endings in film history suddenly becomes not such a big deal.
Z.O.A.: A man who has been fatally poisoned sets out on a leisurely quest to find out who did it.
Of Zombie Origin: Everything Peter Weller’s character tries works. To a point.
SeZen: See The Vanishing Zombie.
Zombie Club: The first rule of Zombie Club is BRAINS!
Things To Do In Denver When You’re Dead II, The Reunion: Twenty years later, the boys and Mr. Shush reminesce about that one magical summer.
The Deadfather: Michael avoids having to join in the family business.
The Sixth Sense, Zombie Edition: Yeah, kid, you’re not so special.
Midnight Zombie: Fewer clients, but because of the specialization they pay more.
Zombs: “You know what the real tragedy of this day is? I’m not even supposed to be dead today.” “That’s, like, 18 feet of dead.”
A Fistfull of Zombies
“When a man with a forty-five meets a man who’s a Zombie, the man with the forty-five is a dead man…well, another dead man…look, I didn’t say it was a good proverb!”
Unforgiven by zombies
“It’s a hell of a thing, eatin’ a man. Ya eat everything he’s got … and everything he’s gonna have.”
A spotlight comes up on an empty stage. A figure, looking very much like a decrepit John C. Reilly, shambles out of the shadows and into the light. His flesh is dripping off his bones, his fingers are barely claws; there are holes in his cheeks. He’s wearing what appears to be the remnants of clown makeup. Surprisingly, he begins to sing…
If a zombie stood up in a crowd
And raised his voice to groan out loud
And ate your arm
And dropped his leg
You’d notice him
If someone in a movie show
Yelled “zombie in the second row,
This whole place is a zombie feast!”
You’d notice him
And even without loudly eating men
Everyone gets noticed, now and then,
Unless, of course, that personage should be
Invisisble, unanimated me!
Eat a brain,
Mister Eat a brain,
I’ll eat your basal vein
Mister Eat a brain
'cause I can sneak up on you
Eat right through you
And never know I’m there!
Unliving Las Vegas - Nick Cage’s attempt to drink himself to death has a disappointing conclusion.
Gravediggers of 1933
Ruby Keeler gets a job in an all-zombie chorus line, and no one even notices the difference.
Death of a Nation
D.W. Griffith’s stirring tale of the zombies vs. the Klan.
Dinner is Ate
MGM’s all-star extravaganza, where zombie Billie Burke invites Marie Dressler, Jean Harlow, Wallace Beery and John Barrymore for dinner . . . Only they’re the entree!
The Zombie of Oz
Little Dorothy and her dog fight off tiny zombie Munchkins with the help of her friends.
Dead
A plane carrying a zombie rugby team crashes high in the remote Andes. Will they be allowed to continue their pleasant existence, far away from normal human society? Or will “rescuers” arrive to shatter the only peace they’ve ever known?
Dead, a triumph over the human spirit.
I think it would be “a tale of the heroic zombie Klan vs. evil, uppity blacks.”
It’s a Wonderful Death - George jumps off the bridge. His undead corpse then saves Bedford Falls by eating Potter’s brain. Then, after his friend says “Hee Haw” one too many times, George eats his brain. “I’ve always wanted to do that,” George admits.
Any Woody Allen movie: “Gee I’d really like to eat her brain, but I don’t think she’s kosher. Besides, the guilt and the heartburn would keep me up all night. Y’know, a good deli could clean up in this graveyard. Oh, I forgot, I’m on a fish diet this month, I’m only eating Jewish sailors.”
From Justin To Kelly - a zombified Simon Cowell assaults the perky youngsters and their beachgoing friends with vicious braineating attacks and scathing food reviews of each of his freshly eaten victims. Mr. Nasty declares Justin, “Too stringy and underdone, not very filling at all. Quite possibly the worst I’ve ever eaten.”
Stay tuned for:
Stop Eating My Left Foot!
The Tasty Eyes Of Laura Mars
With Six You Get Leg Roll
Yours, Mine, And Ours - The Smorgasbord
Sophie’s Choice II You know where this one is going.
The Bob Hope movies My Favorite Brunette, My Favorite Blonde and My Favorite Spy suddenly become a lot more interesting as Bob quips to the camera in between brain munching snacks.
Hope’s Road pictures with Bing Crosby now revolve around the boys getting into wacky hijinks and fighting over who get to eat Dorothy Lamour. A subplot features Bing also trying to decide which of his kids to beat and which ones to eat. Plus, Crosby’s horse has a new motivation to come in first and keep on running.
Eight Heads in a Duffel Bag - Zombie fast food.
Annie Hell
Death and Death
Broadway Danny Roast
Everyone Says I Ate You
Hannah Ate Her Sisters
. . . Wait a minute, these are starting to sound like porn . . .
Who Framed Roger Zombie
There are two worlds in Hollywood…the world of the humans, and the world of the Zombs, who for years have been eating brains in humorous ways for entertainment. Zombs are more than just ink and paint…they’re real. This is the story of one Zomb who has been framed for killing Marvin Brains, head of the brain factory, by eating his brain. The only detective in Hollywood is forced to team up with him…but he hates Zombs. Especially when they try to eat his brain.
The Incredibly Strange Zombies Who Were Briefly Incapacitated and then Continued to Be Incredibly Strange, Possibly Mixed-Up Zombies
I have no idea what this one is about.
The Music Zombie
“You say you got trouble,
right here in River City.
That starts with a “T” and that rhymes with “B”
and that stands for brains.”
Austin Powers: International Zombie of Mystery
The groovy comic time-traveler gets a makeover - no longer is he a slightly odd but sexually irresistible superspy; now he’s a slightly odd but sexually irresistible DEAD superspy.
(see also: Austin Powers II: The Zombie Who Shagged Me
and Austin Powers III: Goldzombie).
Monty Python’s Flying Zombies
A bunch of zombies. Flying.
Zombielander
Secret agent zombie male model does stuff.
To Kill A Zombie
Atticus Finch shoots them from a distance, impresses Scout. Boo turns out to have been a zombie all along.
The Dead Also Rise - Hemingway-esque treatment of the concept. Our protagonist goes to Pamplona for the traditional Running of the Zombies. (…Well, shambling of the zombies, really.)