Click Wait

Cafe Society
1

I share this because
I am magnanimous I am credible I am The One
Let me say aw shucks up front
And thank you and yours too and I’ve always admired you as well
It’s the hunger
It’s the purity of our thoughts and motives

I write

You read

We bond and I have made a contribution to your life
Your miserable life
Your life that is missing so much of what I have experienced
Your blessed and sheltered life
Your life that is missing so much of what I have experienced

When I’ve posted this
No one will doubt me anymore
No one will ever be mean again
I will be recognized and carried upon the shoulders of they who can hear me

But not those others
Oh, why will God not smite them
The shitty whores who doubt me now
Who cannot see what I have seen because they have no eyes

I will post this now and you will be richer for it
I will be richer
The world will be richer
They will ask me where I’ve been all their lives
And I will be the hero
The Extraordinary and Minister Plenipetentiary

I cry as I click for I am sending my soul to be tested by strangers

I wait

I wait more

I wait and wonder what is wrong

Failure 404 Error Problem Connection Service Not Found Not Ready Not Possible

The fall of Rome

The blast at Hiroshima

The Towers in rubble

Sigh

I share this because
I am magnanimous I am credible I am The One
Let me say aw shucks up front
And thank you and yours too and I’ve always admired you as well
It’s the hunger
It’s the purity of our thoughts and motives

I write

You read

2

Correct? I think? Perhaps…well put? I don’t really know what is being asked here. Sorry.

3

A poem. For open review and criticism.

ETA

I’m honored, incidentally, to be the recipient of one of your rare posts. :slight_smile:

4

Is this an April Fool?

5

No, sorry.

6

Yeeeeeaaaah…that is what it is…an honor…that I am bestowing on you…that’s the ticket. I only WISH I had 34k posts worth of valuable insight to offer.

Of course while I was posting I was saying to myself “Please don’t be some sort of bizzare suicide note I don’t understand. Who posts suicide notes in Cafe Society? Please don’t be some sort of bizzare suicide note. Please be a poem cuz I like it. But you can’t say you “like” somebody’s cry for help.”

7

Well, hmmm.

This is a poem, then. And it is being submitted for critique?

Well, it is National Poetry Month, so I’ll bite.

First, I think it could be improved with punctuation.

Next, I would make “bond” part of “write” and “read”, and then start a new stanza, possibly replacing “and” with, say, “now” or “so”.

I’d punctuate that stanza with dashes. Kind of Ginsbergy.

I’d set aside the stanza starting “But not those others” with parentheses. And repeat the line beginning " Who cannot see" for emphasis. More Ginsberg.

I’d put more space between the “waiting” lines. I’d insert the word “some” into “I wait more”.

Bold the 404 line.

The references to Rome, Hiroshima, and 9/11 are in poor taste, particularly the latter two. Note I am not personally offended by them–they just are out of place for the tone of the poem, particularly coming directly after the 404 ‘punchline.’

I’d increase the whitespace bracketing the sigh, and maybe italicize it.

Then end with the new first verse, including “we bond” as the final words.

My edited version of Click Wait:

I share this because
I am magnanimous. I am credible. I am The One.
Let me say aw shucks up front,
And thank you, and yours too, and I’ve always admired you as well.
It’s the hunger.
It’s the purity of our thoughts and motives.

I write.

You read.

We bond.
Now I have made a contribution to your life–
Your miserable life–
Your life that is missing so much of what I have experienced–
Your blessed and sheltered life–
Your life that is missing so much of what I have experienced!

When I’ve posted this,
No one will doubt me anymore.
No one will ever be mean again.
I will be recognized and carried upon the shoulders of those who can hear me.

(But not those others!
Oh, why will God not smite them?
The shitty whores who doubt me now,
Who cannot see what I have seen because they have no eyes
Who cannot see what I have seen because they have no eyes.)

I will post this now, and you will be richer for it.
I will be richer.
The world will be richer.
They will ask me where I’ve been all their lives,
And I will be the hero,
The Extraordinary and Minister Plenipotentiary!
I cry as I click, for I am sending my soul to be tested by strangers.
I wait.
I wait some more . . .
I wait and wonder what is wrong.
Failure 404 Error Problem Connection Service Not Found Not Ready Not Possible
. . . sigh . . .
I share this because
I am magnanimous. I am credible. I am The One.
Let me say aw shucks up front,
And thank you, and yours too, and I’ve always admired you as well.
It’s the hunger.
It’s the purity of our thoughts and motives.

I write.

You read.

We bond.

8

It’s the first poem I’ve read about message board posting anxiety, and that makes it worth reading for me. I also like it in general.

For some reason, maybe because the “Waiting for Godot” thread has me thinking about Samuel Beckett, maybe because of the writing style, it reminds me a little of this poem: http://www.msu.edu/user/sullivan/BeckettPoem1.html

9

It reminded me of The Bomb in Dark Star, for some reason.

10

I enjoyed reading it, but I will offer no criticism; I never could get the hang of poetry. :wink:

11

You misspelled “Plenipotentiary.” How’s that for carping criticism?

12

Good, thanks. But “Plenipetentiary” is a (bad) Latin -> Italian pun. From a miserable begger to someone who merely farts.